So much of this I want to tell you cause you said your H and mine are somewhat similar. I told him that I was so hoping we were going forward I was even hoping to surprise him with a few new "moves ". He was teary eyed and says "I guess some other guy will have to be the luck recipient of that... and then he tells me that "I should have no problem finfding someone because I am attractive and have no kids and that is a premium". Great, so I am a freakin' marketable commodity now??? Do you think I should even call him on Wednesday for our dinner arrangement for Thursday? I was the one who asked, and even though all this happened on Sunday when I said "guess that thursday thing is off now " trying to be sarcastic and fishing at the same time. But he says' "no, we can still do that" After all this I still want to see him (stupid me) , or should I just let it go and forget about it now? All my friends have told me to now consult an lawyer. Not to clean him out, but to find out what I am entitiled to so he can't "guilt" me into giving up what I am suposed to have.Everyone I tell what happened on Sunday says that I have to stop blaming myself for all of this . Yes he could have been that wounded by all of it, but it was 21 freakin years ago. And he had an affair too! They say He is just USING YOU as the excuse to get out.I am thinking that OW is not a factor that much anymore cause the last couple of time he made mention that he can turn his phone off for peace and quiet when he wants and only pick up the text messages when he wants. I think by him having dinner there and "trying on " that life may have put the squash on it. There is still that other one with the smaller kids but she is feisty, independent and recently got her own house and got her life toghether and takes good care of her kids (sounds like he was bragging on her) Like he has respect for her. . My friends say that maybe he WANTs to be challenged. Ok, maybe. Maybe he wants to just be by himself. So if there is no definite OW and he likes his life the way it is, how can I DB against that?? He says he is at ease with himself at his new life because he has peace and quiet, and he can do what he pleases and he doesn't have to think about me with that guy all the time.He says he is not yelling at contractors now because he was so angry and messed up all the time thinking about what I did to him. I feel so bad for all of it, but everyone keeps telling me "WAKE UP-ITS OVER, he likes his new life, he is NOT coming back.THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT ANYMORE!!!!!He chose to leave a person that made his life easy, and took crap from him for years. LET HIM GO!" We divorced once before and he came back.I am told that just because it happened once, it doesn't mean it'll happen again. Its too many years gone and you are both different. Why do you want this person back. Am I hanging on to nothing here? Is it still possible to DB against this? HELP!!!!
Sportster I have asked H about some things he had said to me i.e. never seeing us get back together, he and OW are very happy and sees a future with her, I need to live my life etc.. And he said he said those things to not so much convince me but to convince himself that he was trying to justify what he was doing and the decisions he was making he was completely convinced that he was doing the right thing. And eventually I realized this for myself and anything he said to me that was hurtful towards me I just tried to not let it get to me and just let it roll off my back because I knew deep down he didnt mean what he was saying. And I also adopted a new motto: "Sometimes the only way to get someone back is to just let them go" I stopped contacting him completely left it totally up to him days may have gone by and I had to fight the erge to call him but I had to do it. And H also told me that one time he called in the middle of the week to "discuss" the D papers he said he really just wanted to hear my voice. So again go back to the believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. Anything is possible miracles happen and I believe every marriage can be saved of course if there is abuse of any matter then it shouldnt be but all other ones regardless of how hopeless it seems do have a chance LostInFl
Hi sportster, was just reading your post and I felt your anger and your pain. A couple of things to remember--DON'T LISTEN TO FAMILY or FRIENDS unless they can be open minded and non-judgmental. I'm sure you've read in DR about this. They love you and are all going to take your side because they don't want you to be hurt. I have also told myself that my H likes his new life and independence and won't come back--but the more I DB and leave him alone, the more I see hope. We are spending more and more time together even though we aren't living together or wearing our rings. We are taking it slow and I am relaxing more and more. I am DBing as hard as I can, getting counseling and taking prozac to help me with my anxiety attacks and depression. You are very angry and hurt and you have every right to be. But you can decide to "act as if" you aren't around him. You can smile everytime you talk to him and let him see that you have a good life too--don't talk about R or what you are going to do, just work on you and let him see the differences. If you want to keep DBing than by all means do! Follow your heart--not the advice of friends and family. It's the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but I think you will be happier with you in the long run.
I am really genuinely happy for you and your H. However, I have come to believe that my M cannot be saved. I snooped (bad db'ing) and I found out that he has spoken to OW who lives in the state he is in. I also found out he has lost his job, so he is basically just hanging out in this other state and having fun. Its not business at all.
I am devastated. I began to not even mind hearing OW on his voicemail, I guess because they weren't significant. But the fact that he is now talking to OW #1 again has me on pins and needles.
Sorry to vent here, I am just devastated and crushed.
AMI
H-29
amIow(me)-30
son-8
married 8 yrs
"together" 10 yrs
AMI I thought the same thing that my M could not be saved because H had moved in with OW. Dont assume that he is hagning out having "fun" I assumed the same exact thing and it turns out that H was telling people he was happy and he did believe it for about a week but the 2nd week he was up there he was completely miserable and missed "our" family and while he was feeling this way I was beating myself up thinking man he is having fun enjoying his new life blah blah so dont beat your self up over assumption after all you know what assume means. H and I are doing pretty good although yesterday I was having some esteem issues I had this really bad feeling that she had called or he had talked to her and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I told H how I was feeling and he said no she hadnt called and to be honest I hadnt thought once about her all day today until now. He showed me his phone with his recent calls list and she wasnt on it . He understands that Im going to have these feelings once in awhile and he said he will help me through them. I went to my C yesterday and she advised that H see a C on his own a few times before we have C together that way H can start to understand his individual problems before we start on the marital problems so H is going to call today and set up his appt. LostInFl
Lost, thanks so much for replying I am looking up to you these days I guess. You're one of the ones who made it outta this . I was debating wether or not to even call my H today and ask about the dinner tomoorow, and my text alert goes off this morning. Its H!! "Do you want to meet me for dinner or somewhere tonight. Call me when you can". My head was spinning, and I felt a little sick. I called back and acted all friendly like he calls everyday or something. What was this? I call ed him and he was all nice .I thought we were just going to meet, but I he suggested coming to get me and it was "no problem at all". Ok, so NOW what? I called my friend and asked what the hell is this now, and she says first "there is something wrong with him-why is he doing this? it could be one of two things , he feels really bad about what happened the other night or he's just keepin you stringing along so you don't get all legal on him." Either way I gotta act "as if" and be all light and breezy friend-like . I am working on about 2 hours sleep from last night, so it'll be tough.I don't think anyone can blame me for being cautious. This past Sunday's call sounded like it was going to be a good day too, and look what happened! I still think he is pretty confused. I DID find out that he will not be bringing a date to his family for Thanksgiving, and he told his Mom that he did go to dinner at her house, but they are not dating. Ok, so here we go on the roller coaster ride again where my stomach is in knots till he gets there, and not knowing what will happen. I may be an idiot but i still pray every day that he will come back and say I was an idiot, I really overblew this thing it really wasn't about your past at all,lets try and make us better. He is coming at about 5pm tonight. I'll let ya know how it goes. Good for your H going to C!!!! Sounds like he really is committed to making this work Lost! Ya gotta know you guys are in my prayers too!
My copy of DR is STILL not here. I will try to DB from what I've learned here as best i can tonight(read my reply to lost please!!!) After this weekend I am cautious. I still can't figure out what is happeneing with him.He did tell his Mom though that it does look like we are getting a divorce. I gotta stop makiing myself crazy with this. I don't sleep, don't eat much. I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks fgor being here for me, I'll try to follow your and LOst leads!!!
sportster dont forget act as if tonight do not assume anything remember believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. I know somethings they say can be hurtful but believe me from my WAH filling me in its just them trying to convince themselves not necessarly saying it to you to hurt you so let as much of whatever negative he says tonight to slide off your back. Thanks for your continue prayers for my sitch as well Im sending you positive prayers as well for tonight!! LostInFl
Well, there I was, dressed nicely, good PMA going. He shows up on time. Comes in, says "You're probably gonna want to kill me, but...I had a really bad BAD day at work I am not gonna be good company. I was riding over here, and I was going to just call you, and hoped my mood would be better, but its not." I asked if he wanted to talk about it and asked that wasn't he was supposed to have a short day, which appaerently he did not,not at all, but he said no, he didn't wanna talk about it .He wasn't nasty. He said he was just gonna go for a long long ride and chill out. To which I surprised the living hell outta myself and said "hey-no problem. I am sorry you had such a bad day" He said "I know you're gonna be upset.." To which I replied "Nope, not really ,I understand. Its not a problem" As I walked him out I said again if he wanted to talk about it.What was it at work- did you get fired? Nope, but it was all work related . He said a couple of things about what went on.Yeah, that stuff was annoying, but he awas leaving out alot of SOMETHING, I am sure. He said he was sorry a few times during the conversation. I couldn't help thinking if this had something to also do with HER. I was AWSOME- I was upbeat and friendly -yet empathetic and validating. He said he was sorry again, he was really looking forward to this tonight-this morning when he talked to me. Then I said again, well, hope tomorrow is a better day than today for you. Be careful driving, its not good to drive with so much on your mind. Maybe we can do this another time,ok? And the he says "I promise we will do it soon ok, honey?"and he kissed me goodbye. He seemed like he was genuinely sorry, but at the same time he wanted to leave.He must have been here all of 10 minutes. But the big surprise was me- I didn't cry, I didn't get mad,I was a friend, I pretty much detached myself and try to see what was really going on here... Of course after he left --I sat down and speculated as to the reasons for the hasty departure. 1.)- Ok, you had a hellava day. And he said he was looking forward to tonight by his own admission. So wouldn't it stand to reason that spending the time with me make your day better???(see "He's just not that into you")
2.)- "We'll do this soon , I promise, ok honey" Well, if you felt REALLY that bad about cancelling wouldn't you already have another date in mind? Like tomorrow or Friday or Saturday?Or do you plan to have a bad day those days too???? 3.)-He DID look tired and stressed, and I would really rather NOT have him spend time with me if he is gonna be a grumpy butthead. This whole thing has been stressful enough. 4.)- Maybe the work related stuff also had to do with her. Whiole my H is not the type to be pressured, he definetly looked pressured and stressed tonight. 5.)- While he did seem sincere, it is entirely possible that something better came along like HER, or some event that he would rather go to, or thought that was cancelled, but now was back on. 6.)- It was almost dark by the time he got here, so thats why I think there must be something else besides his bad mood. 7.)- While I was happy he wanted to schedule this time with me, now thats its cancelled and he beat a hasty retreat I will NOT call or text. The next move is up to HIM.
Lost that is great. Your C also sounds pretty good as well, I totally agree with her suggestion.
Yes, I know what you mean regarding those esteem issues and the panic attacks. Your H seems to be very helpful though in helping you through this. That is a very good sign. Please try hard not to bring up OW too often though ok? I did that even when my H was calm about it(after 1st sep), but I think I overdid it somewhat.
As for my H I got a chance to hear his voicemail. Remember he hasn't been to that state in over a year. He has "NEW" women from there calling his VM already. Why? He has been there now for almost 3 weeks, and already he has a slew of women calling him (not ones from before). Hearing OW #1 on there just about killed me. She didn't say much on the voicemail, but I did notice she tried calling 2x (2hrs apart) and he ignored the call. (must've been with another OW) See I think its different with my H. My H's single buddies are there and they party all the time and things like that. Its not like he is just with OW full time. I just don't know. He is acting like he hates me now.
If you read my sitch you will see what has actually taken place. He is not calling anymore AT ALL, and told me that we have nothing to talk about when we did speak last Fri. We were just together for nearly a month, having contact daily. All of a sudden he just changed. Lost, I am so fearful that he will "fall back in love" with OW #1 and forget about me. Do I sound ridiculous?
I'm sorry for venting, I am just very scared and have no one I can turn to here.
H-29
amIow(me)-30
son-8
married 8 yrs
"together" 10 yrs
. He understands that Im going to have these feelings once in awhile and he said he will help me through them. I went to my C yesterday and she advised that H see a C on his own a few times before we have C together that way H can start to understand his individual problems before we start on the marital problems so H is going to call today and set up his appt.