sorry to tell all of you this but instead of being a day of renewal and hope my H asked me for a divorce.It all started good, kiss hello (peck)and we had chit chat about work, his bonus, nascar. Then he tells me he is intending to get a townhouse after the first of the year. I say "ok, sounds like you're moving on with your life. I have been thinking of getting a town house too! What do you mean for me to do now? "and he says "I want you to move on with your life too. " I asked how far we are moving on with our lives, is he wanting to do something more? (I couldn't say the words and I guess he was not wanting to say them either) so I asked is he gonna go file papers, and he said that yes he wanted to do that. He likes his life the way it is right now.
Well, I said I was sorry to hear this I thought after the last visits we were finally getting to a good place. Last visit we almost ended up ML, but he stopped it.Iasked why he did that and he said he didn't want to complicate things.
I did ask if he had also moved on with his realtionship with that woman at work, but he said they are still just good friends (bullcrap) .
We talked some more amd I did cry and tell him I was sorry for what I had done and that I would give 10 years to take back all of it . He said that was the first time in a year and a half that he felt I was truly sorry and showed some emotion. (again all crap, I apolgized EVERY time we discussed this and even brought it up 2 times on my own).We still proceeded to talk about all of it and he was just so hurt, devestated he said and that he could not stay with someone he did not trust. He said that I was a liar, and that he could not believe that it only took one month of talking by this guy to get me on my knees , or spread legs,.He said he felt I made a jackass out of him.I did say I understood him and tried to validate as much as he would allow. I blamed it all on me. I tried to tell him of how I got to that point in my life and why I felt this had happened. But he kept going on and on, and said I did it to him twice, once from high school (thats 30 years ago) and then my A(21 years ago). He said (about the highschool thing) you don't "f" someone when you are breaking up with them. He called me a slut. I said I wasn not a slut. He said a married woman that goes to a motel is a slut. I was 17 for the first and not married ,25 for the second thing- and not very worldly at all. I should have realized then what my future would hold. But we married and I got browbeaten with the truth for 7 years. After the high school incident, I never felt like my H msde our relationship a safe place to tell the truth. That constant undercurrent of jealosy and mistrust must have really been in my brain. I felt disconnected to my H. He was intimidating, and I knew we were not doing well, but I was afraid to talk to him. We were both working hard to make a life. He was grumpy alot. We DID still manage some great times, vacations.Anyway, I ended up trading woes with this guy in the bar. Little did I know I was giving him all the ammunition he needed to rope me in. Look, I take full responsibility for my actions, an affair is a CHOICE-a BAD one at that. But It was nice not to be constantly judged, appreciated, admired, .We never went to dinner, had a date.I came home from work every night. We only had sex 2.5 times.(don't ask)One time we did go to a motel. That was the last time for me.I realized I did not want to be this person, a woman that cheats. I broke it off immediately. While I did get sucked in by the attention and validation, the affair never really held anything for me sexually. It went with it, but I was more into the niceness. And yes I did fell guilty the whole time. My H wanted to know why I didn't leave. I still loved him (he doesn't believe me, of course).But I was not mentally equipped at that point in mjy life to deal with all that I was feeling. I made bad choice on how to handle my problems instead of going to my H. I managed to lie about it for 21 years(even through my H's affair) He did ask me for the truth when he came out of his affair, but I lied because I did so want him back and I figured enough hurt, we're even you got me back, lets just move on. He says now that if I told him the truth we could have started with a clean slte. But then he also says trhat I knew if he told me that divorce would have stayed final (we did get divorced over his A-he asked for the divorce).
I sure wish my copy of Divorce remedy would have been here before this. Now its too late. At first he said he wanted no contact with me after the divorce, but after I cried and told him I'm sorry and we discussed it again he said we can call once in a while.
I really didn't think that anything would happen one way or another till at least after the holidays. I called his mom and my SIL and they were so supportive, and they both said kick him to the curb, and that he 's gonna find out its not so easy out there. They didn't like the names he called me, and said I shouldn't have to live like that, and
they both think he's MLCing to the max. They (and everyone else )think this was not really about what I did at all, and especially since he had A also. That he just wanted a good excuse to get out, and thats why he pressed for details. MLC-ers are like that I'm told.
I do not think the divorce remedy can help me now. I did tell him I still loved him, always will and that my heart would always be open to him.And if he changed his mind before the papers get signed, thats ok too. We could go to counseling (he refused) . We did still agree to meet for that burger on Thursay (doubt that'll happen.) My chest felt like it had a 50lb weight on it and my stomach was in knots. I must have burned up 600 minute of phone time talking to family, friends. Thanks for listening to me. I still can't belive that he will no longer be in my life. He said he thought we would grow old together, and that we were a team. I tried to tell him that he was treating this like I was with both those guys in one week and it happened this week.He does not care, I hurt him and he said I knew it would hurt him and he can't live with that. I never planned to have an A. Yes there is deciet and hiding and stuff during, but I went to great lenghts to hide it. Because I was ashamed, and did not want to hurt H. And that meant lying and denying it for 21 years. I finally did tell because we had been through so much together, I knew he would be mad, but seeing he did it too, we could make it through. I just feel so worthless and like trash that he said I was right now. I never intended to cause him such pain, but I also think this is not all about me. I'm glad Lost made it to the next level now anyway.....
