yes I know I cant believe that things CAN change quickly! I just had no idea it would only take 2 weeks of living with OW if I had known that I would have told him to move up there months ago!! LostInFl
Yes, the rose colored glasses are beginning to come off. I also think that they begin to do a lot of comparing when they are TOTALLY faced with the OW, and although the OW may have qualities they "like"...they don't share the history as we have with our H's.
On the other hand LIF, please proceed slowly. As I told you, this is not my first time in this sitch with my H. I don't want to take away your joy, however I believe I must tell you to be cautious. You must become a better person (for you), which will cause better dynamics within your marriage, which will lead you to have a better marriage. Am I making sense?
Anwyay, YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
AMI
H-29
amIow(me)-30
son-8
married 8 yrs
"together" 10 yrs
Yes very very slowly He called to tell me he is on the road and heading back he should be back about 10pm tonight told him to wake me up when he gets here. I asked how OW took it and he said he called and told her he was leaving and that he had called me, get this she was pissed off at him for calling me she told him that she wanted him to have no contact with me whatssoever and he was like I told you from day 1 she will always be a part of my life because of S3 and also because I want her to be. Guess OW pulled in as he was finishing loading his truck and I asked how it went and he said she didnt ask me to stay and she didnt tell me to go I just left and didnt look back. He asked if he could stay at the house on the futon till he found a place to stay and I said ok and he also said he is going to his old job tomorrow to try and get his job back. Im also going to ask him if I can call and make an appt for us for a councelor as well. LostInFl
Yes, a C is indeed necessary. Have you had any luck finding one that practices DB techniques or similar? I am trying to find one in my area, just in case my H decides to want our M to work. I am trying to keep up my PMA, but today I just feel so doubtful.
Your sitch however has definately lifted my spirits.
H-29
amIow(me)-30
son-8
married 8 yrs
"together" 10 yrs
Quote: Just journaling... Im really missing my H right now and I figured I better sit here and post rather then fall victim to calling him i want to hear his voice so bad right now its killing me, sitting here in tears trying to work through this moment. I just want to talk to him but I know I cant this is so hard I dont know if I can do this much longer I want my H back so bad I literaly feel like a part of me is dying. Everyone says how strong of a person I am but I dont know how much longer I can hold up being strong. I just want to collapse with all this pain Im feeling I feel so alone and abandoned at the moment by the one person I thought would never abandon me. I put my whole body and soul into loving this person and now they are gone and probably gone for good. I just dont know if H will ever want to try and get his family back and Im so close to just totally giving up that he will want us back too. I just wish he would realize what a great family we had and that IT IS worth try to save!!! Ok feeling a bit better not much but a bit LostInFl
Oh my Goodness, LIF, you wrote my heart verbatim...I asked H to leave Monday after 6 months of A w/ OW, we were just starting to not like each other. I am soooo lonely. He does call me re the kids and to see how I am, but it's not having him back.
I wish I could offer words of encouragement, but maybe read Xalells thread on Newcomers. He has pretty much busted his seemingly hopeless sitch. There are few other ones that have come out of the bottomless pit recently and are looking good. That is the only thing keeping me going right now.
We know what is right and what our M's can be, but H's just don't want to accept it. I am sorry you are feeling this, I wish this feeling on no one. - mem
one of the things I am getting off of here is learning to be yourself. DON'T ask him about making the appointment with the counselor-he already said he'd go-just make it an dtell him when it is. You can add that you're looking forward to building a better repore between the two of you. I wann know how it goes, cause maybe if my guy ever comes to his senses I can get him to go!!
sorry to tell all of you this but instead of being a day of renewal and hope my H asked me for a divorce.It all started good, kiss hello (peck)and we had chit chat about work, his bonus, nascar. Then he tells me he is intending to get a townhouse after the first of the year. I say "ok, sounds like you're moving on with your life. I have been thinking of getting a town house too! What do you mean for me to do now? "and he says "I want you to move on with your life too. " I asked how far we are moving on with our lives, is he wanting to do something more? (I couldn't say the words and I guess he was not wanting to say them either) so I asked is he gonna go file papers, and he said that yes he wanted to do that. He likes his life the way it is right now.
Well, I said I was sorry to hear this I thought after the last visits we were finally getting to a good place. Last visit we almost ended up ML, but he stopped it.Iasked why he did that and he said he didn't want to complicate things.
I did ask if he had also moved on with his realtionship with that woman at work, but he said they are still just good friends (bullcrap) .
We talked some more amd I did cry and tell him I was sorry for what I had done and that I would give 10 years to take back all of it . He said that was the first time in a year and a half that he felt I was truly sorry and showed some emotion. (again all crap, I apolgized EVERY time we discussed this and even brought it up 2 times on my own).We still proceeded to talk about all of it and he was just so hurt, devestated he said and that he could not stay with someone he did not trust. He said that I was a liar, and that he could not believe that it only took one month of talking by this guy to get me on my knees , or spread legs,.He said he felt I made a jackass out of him.I did say I understood him and tried to validate as much as he would allow. I blamed it all on me. I tried to tell him of how I got to that point in my life and why I felt this had happened. But he kept going on and on, and said I did it to him twice, once from high school (thats 30 years ago) and then my A(21 years ago). He said (about the highschool thing) you don't "f" someone when you are breaking up with them. He called me a slut. I said I wasn not a slut. He said a married woman that goes to a motel is a slut. I was 17 for the first and not married ,25 for the second thing- and not very worldly at all. I should have realized then what my future would hold. But we married and I got browbeaten with the truth for 7 years. After the high school incident, I never felt like my H msde our relationship a safe place to tell the truth. That constant undercurrent of jealosy and mistrust must have really been in my brain. I felt disconnected to my H. He was intimidating, and I knew we were not doing well, but I was afraid to talk to him. We were both working hard to make a life. He was grumpy alot. We DID still manage some great times, vacations.Anyway, I ended up trading woes with this guy in the bar. Little did I know I was giving him all the ammunition he needed to rope me in. Look, I take full responsibility for my actions, an affair is a CHOICE-a BAD one at that. But It was nice not to be constantly judged, appreciated, admired, .We never went to dinner, had a date.I came home from work every night. We only had sex 2.5 times.(don't ask)One time we did go to a motel. That was the last time for me.I realized I did not want to be this person, a woman that cheats. I broke it off immediately. While I did get sucked in by the attention and validation, the affair never really held anything for me sexually. It went with it, but I was more into the niceness. And yes I did fell guilty the whole time. My H wanted to know why I didn't leave. I still loved him (he doesn't believe me, of course).But I was not mentally equipped at that point in mjy life to deal with all that I was feeling. I made bad choice on how to handle my problems instead of going to my H. I managed to lie about it for 21 years(even through my H's affair) He did ask me for the truth when he came out of his affair, but I lied because I did so want him back and I figured enough hurt, we're even you got me back, lets just move on. He says now that if I told him the truth we could have started with a clean slte. But then he also says trhat I knew if he told me that divorce would have stayed final (we did get divorced over his A-he asked for the divorce).
I sure wish my copy of Divorce remedy would have been here before this. Now its too late. At first he said he wanted no contact with me after the divorce, but after I cried and told him I'm sorry and we discussed it again he said we can call once in a while.
I really didn't think that anything would happen one way or another till at least after the holidays. I called his mom and my SIL and they were so supportive, and they both said kick him to the curb, and that he 's gonna find out its not so easy out there. They didn't like the names he called me, and said I shouldn't have to live like that, and
they both think he's MLCing to the max. They (and everyone else )think this was not really about what I did at all, and especially since he had A also. That he just wanted a good excuse to get out, and thats why he pressed for details. MLC-ers are like that I'm told.
I do not think the divorce remedy can help me now. I did tell him I still loved him, always will and that my heart would always be open to him.And if he changed his mind before the papers get signed, thats ok too. We could go to counseling (he refused) . We did still agree to meet for that burger on Thursay (doubt that'll happen.) My chest felt like it had a 50lb weight on it and my stomach was in knots. I must have burned up 600 minute of phone time talking to family, friends. Thanks for listening to me. I still can't belive that he will no longer be in my life. He said he thought we would grow old together, and that we were a team. I tried to tell him that he was treating this like I was with both those guys in one week and it happened this week.He does not care, I hurt him and he said I knew it would hurt him and he can't live with that. I never planned to have an A. Yes there is deciet and hiding and stuff during, but I went to great lenghts to hide it. Because I was ashamed, and did not want to hurt H. And that meant lying and denying it for 21 years. I finally did tell because we had been through so much together, I knew he would be mad, but seeing he did it too, we could make it through. I just feel so worthless and like trash that he said I was right now. I never intended to cause him such pain, but I also think this is not all about me. I'm glad Lost made it to the next level now anyway.....
sportster My H said some of the same things to me i.e. not the slut part but the whole I want a divorce and I like my life the way it is now give him time to really "think about that" LostinFl
