4 months ago on 6/13 my husband decided to tell me (and mind you this was our 6th anniversay DAY!) that he was not sexually attracted to me and that he needed to leave me. I was at a loss I was soo shocked I didnt know what to do! He left and came over the next night to watch our son while I had to stay late at work. When I came home we talked and I told him what he meant to me and he said he had no idea I still felt like that and that he was sorry for hurting me but he just didnt have any feelings for me. He said he had been feeling different for almost a year but never could tell me he thought it would "get better on its own". Well I preceeded to find out that he met someone 2 days before leaving me in a bar and that he has feelings for her and needs to "explore" those feelings. I had a hard time believing that he feels for someone just 2 days after meeting them so I did check cell phone records, home phone records, emails and the very first phone call that came or went to NC (thats where she lives we are in FL) was on 6/14. Well 4 months later we are still living apart he sees her on a regular basis whether she travels down here or he goes up there and that she has left her hubby as well and has now rented a house to which he has recently helped her move into and he also states that he will be moving up there after the 1st of the year and that he is now giveing her $$ to help pay for the rent of the house. (Now a little back story we have a 3yr old son she has 3 children only 1 is with her though we are both 28 she is 34 her kids are 15,14,and 9 she wont move here says he has to move there of course he thinks its best all around if he just leaves and basically runs away and this is her 2nd marriage and also the 2nd time she has left him) I try to talk to him and show him that she is using him regardless of how much she says she loves him and cant live without him BS because if a married woman walks into a bar alone she is "shopping" she wants out of her marriage but doesnt want to be alone to do so. And if he was already having these feelings of no self worth and along comes this woman that makes him feel all warm and fuzzy he is latching completely on to her and totally walking away from our life together. Im not standing up for him by no means but I do still love him and I want to remain married to him and I know I have to let him go to make him see the mistake he is making and that the inner issues he has (he is doing what his mom did to him and his sister) will not go away just because you are with someone new. And he says he could be making the biggest mistake of his life but that he has to find that out on his own and I am like so in the meantime your throwing your family away for a CHANCE!! He also seemed to mention that if he did move up there and it didnt work out and he came back to FL he thinks his job will take him back and Im like you havent even moved there yet and your already wondering if you job will take you back here if you came back! Im at a loss I know I need to stop "pestering" him everytime he comes over to see our son and I tell myself that everytime he does come over but I always end up doing it I need to "Act happy" and go on and just let him go and realize his mistake and maybe just maybe it he will realize the mistake before he moves I dont know am I crazy!!!
DITTO!!! Your sitch is very similar to mine also but mine is about 1 1/2 months further along. My H has said some of the almost exact same things as your H. My H is also leaving for OW with three kids that left her H because of "them." My Big Bomb happened 3 days before our 7th anniversary. Sick, isn't it? My H also left after knowing the skank for a very short time and maybe put a week's worth of thought into our 12 year relationship. My H has also been unhappy for at least a couple of years. He seems to be having a MLC also. I'm going to follow your thread. Please take a look at mine, maybe you can learn from some of the mistakes I have already made - LOL! Just do a search for lastresort04 in "separated" forum if you are interested. I have 2 or 3 longer ones going.
HI lost in FLA, sorry it took me so long to find you over here. I've been on the Newcomers side for a while. MLC's are the worst aren't they? One thing I can say, is if you want your M then just hand tough and STAND!!!. No way a R formed in 2 days is going to last. The logistics are impossible. You have a right to leave and file D. Don't forget that. But if the reason you are on this site is to save your M, then you have to do certain things. Number one is realizing that pride will not get you what you want. Yes it hurts. No what our H's are doing is not right/justified/or God sent as they may try to tell you. No, it is probably not your fault if your H like mine, failed to let you know they were having issues in the R's.
Step one is that you have to let them come to their own conlusions about your M. We cannot convice them, cry in front of them enough, or rationalize with them at this point. They have already convinced themselves of all the necessary reasons to "justify" their actions. They are not about to listen to you/us and say "oops, I didn't think about that".
Step 2: Let H make all of the D moves. Right now you are seperated, so at least the OW is not in your face everyday. Take this time to figure out what impact you had if any in the deterioation of your M, and then do the 180's. B/C you have a S3, you will certainly be in a lot of contact with H to show him the changes. You are probably already beautiful, but make sure that you always look GREAT in his presence.
Step 3: I noticed that you are a believer. Put your faith in the Lord. Check out in your free time. Another great support sight focused on Godly restoration. I find both of these sites extremely helpful.
Step 4. Work on being o.k. with yourself. Pray for the best, be prepared for everything. But don't YOU initiate and further proceedings. Stall if you can. These things take time. This is my 5th going on 6th month of this. There are small tiny improvements here and there, and then there are times like this weekend. Even though this morning I was very teary eyed, I am feeling better. I Read a little of the Word.
Later this afternoon, H called on his way out of town to ask me my opinion on a situation he was having at work. He still values so much about me. I feel strengthened that God will show him the love he has for me. Just try to stay focused on things you can change for you and S3. Be a good mommy for him. Read DR and DB and check out the website. I will try to keep up with your sitch. Thanks for hanging out on my thread.
Sorry I lost part of my message. tried to put it in color, and it deleted the whole thing. In step 3 I was saying to check out: www.restoreministries.net a christian site to help biblically.
Mem and LR04 Hey guys thanks for insightfulness!! I actually have read both of your threads completely before I started mine and its just so odd how all these situations are soooooo similiar you know. Yes I want my M to work! and the last 4 months I have done alot of soul searching within myself and have gone to a C. I have realized my failures in the R i.e. we were trying for baby #2 and I have problems becoming pg I have to do meds, charting etc.. so our sex life become very static and scheduled not really fun you know kinda hurry up and get this done kinda thing. And MY life revolved around getting pg and nothing else really mattered to me and honestly if H had tried to talk to me (which he said he did) I probably wouldnt have heard him...THIS made me hear him....and I just worry its to late now since he is in love with OW . And I have big self esteem issues and guess never realized how big, I never felt I deserved H that he could do much better then me and so therefore I had a hard time trusting him (although he NEVER did anything before this for me to ? his faithfulness)and he tells me now that that really killed him that I didnt trust him and I try to tell him now that it wasnt him it was how I felt about myself and of course he says now well you had a hard time trusting me before how do you think it would be if we got back together (although he hasnt said anything about getting back together in 3 months) and I told him those are issues I would have to work on through C but that I wanted to do that. I did find out through a friends mom that spoke with H in Aug and H said all these wonderful things about me and she just looked at him and said H if she is this kind of person then why are you leaving? And he said I have feelings for W and for OW and I have to make a decision by end of Dec. Well I told her that I think he already made his decision if he has moved things into the house OW has rented and is giving her rent $$ now. The funny thing is all his friends that have met OW have told me what she looks like and they ALL said man she's nothing to leave your family for I just dont see it whats the big draw?? And 1 friend his exact phrase was man if your going to leave your W for someone dont U think it would be for someone thats at least a wow and not a uhhh hahaha. My H is 6'1 and they say she is as tall as he is. I will keep up with you guys threads as well, this is a great place for venting and support just the last week that I have been hear have helped me tremendously!!! LF
It doesn't matter what the OW looks like. It's all about that they have the same anger, selfishness and sadness as the WAH. It's not about looks at all.
I've been reading M Go Blue's thread in Midlife Crisis and Calling All Former Walkaways. You will get some comfort if you read those threads. Unfortunately those problems fall under the "things I cannot change" category.
I'm not doing so well myself these days. Got a crumb yesterday and had an anonymous "run in" today. See my thread...I'm about to do something stupid if nobody convinces me otherwise.
It does seem like you're doing the best you can do and doing all the right things right now. PATIENCE!!!
yeah I know it doesnt matter what the OW looks like and I never rally had any interest in knowing either but with everyone making these same comments I cant help but be curious you know. H called me today (he has nevered called while he had shayne for the wknd before) he said he was calling because S3 got his shoes wet and he doesnt have any other pairs and wanted to know if I was home so he could stop by and pick up another pair(mind you he had called the house and left a message about 5mins before calling my cell and left a message as well) and I said no I wasnt I was in orange park he was like oh and I said sorry and he said thats ok and we hung up. Now here is the thing where he is living is about 35-40 miles from our house now if it was that big of a deal drive over to the closest walmart and buy him a pair or better yet stick them in the dryer for a bit to dry why call and see if you can drive over to get another pair?? I just got home from my friends house and have the earge to call him and see if he got shayne some shoes, but Im not and thats why Im here instead to keep me from doing it!
LR04 I read your thread and responded but left out this: dont contact H!!! Thats what he wants you to do and if you do call and make a comment about why he didnt speak to you in the pub you will open it up to an argument and you dont want that (he could say something like why would I wave at you because you were stalking me checking up on me and where I was...so dont give him that chance.
I had the misfortune of finding a picture of my H and OW and a nasty card to him from her one time in the early days when I was "snooping" (while I was still in the house). I have to admit she is kind of cute in a way. She's 32, H is 36 and I'm 39. Younger woman thing kind of gives me a little complex. What I meant though, was that it doesn't matter how cute or ugly OW is, H's are attracted because of their "like" energies.
It sounds like your H was looking for an "excuse" to call. That's good! I think you're doing the right thing by dropping the ball and not calling back.
Like I said in my thread, H didn't see me, but I just wanted to call because I missed him and wouldn't have had a good excuse so I'm glad I didn't give in and do it.
LR04 I hear ya about finding the pic. A friend of mine went to the wedding that H took OW to a few weeks ago and he didnt take any of H & OW so bummer on that although if I was to see a pic of her I would prefer it to be one of just her and not of her and H together. And about the age thing I guess Im in a different boat myself and H are both 28 and the OW is 34!!!! Whats up with this!! And I understand the "likes" that they are attracted to because here she is in a bad marriage and isnt happy and wants to be happy and here is my H (not in a bad marriage just in a rut) and he isnt happy at the moment so 2 people with "everything" in common finding comfort in each other. LF
Another coincidence...my H in a rut and OW seperated already cuz of her unhappy marriage. The good thing is (depending on how you look at it), even these R's where they seem to have everything in common, are as "doomed" as any other extramarital affair. Doesn't that suck hearing about them being "spotted" together?! I feel like we're instant messaging. LOL! There is a lot to the MLC thing, I think. I'm going to try and get some books and read up on it.
. And I have big self esteem issues and guess never realized how big, I never felt I deserved H that he could do much better then me and so therefore I had a hard time trusting him (although he NEVER did anything before this for me to ? his faithfulness)and he tells me now that that really killed him that I didnt trust him and I try to tell him now that it wasnt him it was how I felt about myself and of course he says now well you had a hard time trusting me before how do you think it would be if we got back together (although he hasnt said anything about getting back together in 3 months) and I told him those are issues I would have to work on through C but that I wanted to do that.