At first More, and More Led to Less and Less.

[Underdog]

Lou,

I wonder if she doesn't really know that you are a real gem? Sorry, but your thoughts about the zoo made me smile. I have a couple family members who fall into that category, and they are just really nurturing people. I have a cat myself, but she's just one...

I hope you see the value in being what you called "a simple person". I will tell you honestly that I have a few friends who would define themselves this way, and I find them so easy to be with. They really want little out of life and are happy with what they have.

I struggle to keep things simpler than they are. With a bunch of issues that arrived on my door step with my D7, it's often impossible, but I try.

I think my dad could have written your post about controlling vs. caring in the "GET TO BED" story. I swear that this was a big issue in their house for the exact reason as well.

Now that I'm a mom and have been someone's spouse for awhile, I see the control in it but with the underlying reason that you so astutely observed.

My mom used to go on and on about how she was sick and tired of hearing my dad complain about his back in the morning and for commenting that he didn't sleep well. Uh, she kept at the nagging, and he kept sleeping on the couch.

Yet, she would tell me on the phone (just between us girls, you know) that she just missed having my dad next to her in bed, even though he snored like the dickens. And she also worried about his poor sleeping habits and the fact that he was sleeping in a recliner instead of in a bed.

How much easier would it have been if she had just told him that?

Then there was my dad, who was steeped in resentment for the fact that she always defended my brother when my dad laid down the line on boundaries (they were both very distraught over my brother's poor choices and drug problems. Since they allowed him to live with them, against my dad's will, he got angry but didn't address it).

He told me on the phone that he was too angry to sleep with my mom.

One day they decided to resolve it--how, I don't know, because I never wanted to be sucked into their marriage.

Lou, it just reminds me of a saying I used to keep taped to my PC monitor: "Nothing is ever what it seems".

I think the best gift I can give anyone is to assume that they are not trying to control me. They just care, and if they aren't as studied on how this is a mask for covering big fears, we can understand that too, can't we?

So:

I am validating W comments more without feelingI have to act on what she says. She used to say "I wish xxxxx and I thought she was hinting that I should do xxxxx to help her reach her goal.. Now I try to listen and try to not think about helping her reach that goal.

Lou, this is absolutely perfect! That's exactly what a friend does, and you are being a friend.

I bet you're one terrific grandfather too. There is nothing more heart warming than a man who is willing to go to the extent to understand that you are doing. I think you are incredibly awesome!

But then again, I guess I'm a little partial to men who hail from Big Sky Country. (Yes, Mr. W. has a big Chevy pickup with the requisite mudflaps.) He's making progress too, so don't write him off as a complete loss. It's been hard to watch, but I have to just sit and validate. He's slowly getting there.

Big hugs, Lou.

Betsey