At first More, and More Led to Less and Less.

[Underdog]

Lou,

You ask difficult questions! I am curious at your W's perception of you being available for everyone but her? What do you think gives her that idea?

Before I embark on your test, let me make the following statement. Because I am responsible for how I feel, and it was also my responsibility to figure out why I acted so nutty, I really don't want to put the emphasis on the latter part of that equation where Mr. Wonderful needed to do something to help.

It would have been nice, but in the end, I still needed to figure out why this dynamic was present so I could stop the cycle.

A true crazymaker will do things to get a specific result. The problem? They don't go about it in a straightforward manner... leaving the rest of the world wondering how in the world they are supposed to figure this out.

My H was married to his job. Not because he loved it or because he was really trying to run away from me or his daughters, but because the position he was in was very visible in his company (and the government) and he was the point man. Unfortunately, it resulted in him being on call when he wasn't, getting calls to come in to work in the middle of the night (and holidays too) and many times, I was expected to drop what I was doing to cater to this.

This sounds reasonable, but we were both frazzled, dealing with a developmentally disabled daughter who was sick a whole lot and functioning on constant fatigue. None of this made good bedfellows. The more he had to work, the more he craved time alone.

He would walk through the garage door when he got home... and where he USED to come upstairs to greet me and give me a hug or a kiss, instead, he dumped his stuff in front of the bar, poured himself a drink and promptly walked out on the back patio without acknowledging the rest of us.

Have I laid enough ground work? And yes, I had my own crappy dynamic to add too. Mainly, expressing my dissatisfaction with how things were going. I was a constant burr under his saddle.

I can give you one or two examples right now, because I have to call in payroll in a few minutes...

I felt abandoned when Mr. Wonderful did not acknowledge me when he arrived home. What I wanted from my H was a smile and a hello. Maybe even a comment like, "Bets, I'm really missing you lately." If I got one of those, I would have encouraged him to go sit out on the patio until dinner to regroup.

I felt resentful when Mr. Wonderful was able to take a day off of work to go fishing--which put me in the driver's seat with the girls and their activities. What I wanted from my H was for him to encourage me to do the same--once a year would have been fine, but a few times a year would have made me elated. Instead, I met objection and a martyr for having to rearrange his schedule to allow me some much needed downtime. If I got time alone without worrying about the repercussions, I would have done the same for H.

Thanks to some self introspection and input from friends, I think I'm not very complex. Where I've always considered my LL to be Words of Affirmation, I'm pretty sure my LL is QT. It doesn't have to be much, but it does have to be present. And I don't want to be resented for needing it.

I used to accuse him of putting everyone else before me. I still think that. And now he admits it... because he was full of resentment toward me, and knew the one way to hurt me most was to deny me what I wanted the most--HIM, BEING PRESENT WITH ME. Unfortunately, resentment is one of those gifts that keeps on giving. And the more you add to the pile, the more momentum builds as the vortex gathers speed.

It's funny. Now we both are very receptive and kind hearted about this sort of stuff. While he doesn't give me the QT, he does encourage me to have some down time and to get my QT from the people who DO want to be with me. So when he needs the same, I'm happy to give it to him.

I don't know who started it, but I figure it's like the chicken and the egg... someone did, and it feels awfully nice to be respectful and considerate toward each other.

I did think of another one. I used to ask him to call us when he was out of town just to check in and say hello. He refused... assuming it was a point of control for me. It really wasn't, but he wouldn't budge on his perception. The fact is, the girls loved hearing their dad's voice and it made all of us happy if he did call to say hi.

This issue came up ad nauseum in MC. He steadfastly objected to my request, saying he shouldn't have to do it. Our MC finally had a light bulb moment and made the following statement, "Well, K, she doesn't NEED to wash your clothes, but she does. If she were my W, and that was the one thing that made the difference between the type of reception you get when you get home (a chilly and resentful one or a warm and happy one), I would be the first one to dial that phone."

Mr. Wonderful looked at both of us incredulously. I wasn't sure if it hit home or not. But he went on a business trip a few weeks later and called when he got to his hotel. I was surprised but did not comment. He said, "I realize that your request was not unreasonable and the fact is, I really would like to talk to you and D10 when I'm gone." He's been calling ever since.

He's in Los Angeles on a business trip right now. He called me from the parking lot (afraid that he was going to miss his flight, which had a near miss but happy ending) and left me a VM when he landed (my cell battery was dead). So he phoned again an hour later at home and filled both of us in on his adventures. Of course, he had a few items to add to my "to do" list!

Thanks for your pull with the weatherman... I'm sure it will make all the difference!

If I'm not back on before I take off, have a great weekend. Be good...

Betsey