<<<<, Why not keep completely seperate accounts and each be responsible for paying certain bills? If you did not know about her spending, and she was totally responsible for paying for her purchases >>>>>
W had her money accounts (checking, IRA, and retirement) for 15 years. I did that because I wanted her to be accountable for her financial actions. I did the separate IRA because she wanted to sell some of our joint retirement account I managed “To have some fun” as W puts it. I wanted her to keep track of her funds, and watch her account grow. I wanted her to be a sole owner and “buy in”, not just be a Monday morning quarterback. Kind of like setting aside part of a garden for the kids when they were little. They could see the results of their actions or inactions.
We went to a M counselor 10 years ago. C suggested I support the relationship, be a proper husband, (pay for house, utilities, food, transportation) and W pay for her personal things, clothing, pets, furniture, and decorations. Now, if I we go shopping and buy groceries, dog food, and pantyhose, I pay the bill at checkouts and W writes me a check for the dog food and pantyhose.
I used to loan W money for her purchases. I stopped 3 years ago. Then 2 of her relatives died and willed her money. So she replaced my no brand, 7 person spa that I bought in 1985, with a 7 person spa that had a “brand name.” It took me 3 months to move everything and sell the old spa. W did the same with 3 yr. old 32” TV. Started out talking about a 36” TV but bought the 49” TV.
I work out of our home and can see when UPS, FedEx, and the mail service each deliver something she bought from QVC etc. There were days when two delivery services delivered a “present to myself” as W put it. Some weeks at least one thing came every day from a delivery service. I asked UPS driver if he made the most deliveries to us. “No, a lady 2 blocks away has you beat, but you are a close second.”
I think the root of the problem with the spending is W sees the neighbors have more than we do, the very liberal, “you deserve it” attitude among her co-workers (many are in credit counseling), liberal policies promoted to the clients at work, and she had a lumpectomy 5 years ago, which triggered more spending.
As far as not knowing, the only things that are not obvious are the jewelry purchases. W admits spending is excessive. To her credit, she has reduced QVC to $100 a month. Still buying the “hair care system.” To me it is just shampoo, conditioner, and styling gel. W buys into the fancy terms and promises QVC host use.
<<<<< Would it ease your mind>>>>>> No. W is spend what you have, I am spend for what you need.
In my work I visit agencies that frequently state they have a difficult time functioning because they are under funded but at the end of their fiscal year they are busy spending what money they have remaining to replace perfectly good office furniture or office machines, dumb trips or new vehicles, etc.
<<<<<<<< Some changes she would like to see you make>>>>>>> Simple answer, I have too many cars and too much business related inventory at home. I have the extra cars up for sale but few lookers. I have been donating the old computers, copiers, and printers that were traded in and junking out some completely obsolete machines.
W buys transportation based on looks, what is trendy, and age of vehicle. I buy transportation based on, does it do the job I need it to do, how many miles will the vehicle go with some servicing, and is the price very reasonable.
W almost always has trouble cold starting the cars we have ever owned. Was complaining about driving an 84 Caravan with 80,000 miles on the odometer (she drives 4,000 miles a year) so I bought her a fuel injected Caravan and one for myself. She did not like hers so after a while I bought her a newer Caravan that looked better. That one was good until she wanted a vehicle with 4-wheel drive. In the mean time one of the dying relatives gave us a car with 34,000 miles on the odometer but W does not like it so I drive it. Next, W gets $7,000 from the now dead relative and buys a used 4-wheel drive SUV. Now the problem is I have 4 cars parked in my fenced-off area (local ordnance for extra vehicles) plus 3 in the driveway that get used.
HP I have been impressed with your advice to others and post about your R with your H. Persuasive, not demanding, stating what you need and respecting H’s feelings. I am Impressed with the balanced. Happy new baby wishes to you and family. So many people on the SSM threads write so well. I wanted to post there but I know other things in our R have to be more harmonious before the EC and PI improves. Thanks for interest.
OG Lou I worked in a deliquent boy's group home once. Some of the boys were from the LA CA area gangs. OG means old gang or origional gang. They used to call me OG which is like being a charter member.
