How about if you just cuddled up with her, and kissed and touched her instead of asking anything? Would she take it from there if she wanted to continue?
You do seem to put yourself through alot of guilt about the past. The past is just that, the past. May I ask what is the reason for your ED?
I believe my H's ED is mostly mental. He seems to be able to hold an erection a little bit longer each time we do get intimate. Unfortunately its only about once a month. H has always been scared to death of needles. He has a weak tummy. He cannot even tolerate the sound of someone vomiting without vomiting himself lol.
Anyway, back to you. Have you thought of C? Have you thought of why you could not bring yourself to ask or indicate ML?
annette, The W rarely initiates anymore as she has been shot down so much in the past so even if I cuddled I doubt she would take it from there. I understand W's reasoning though.
My ED is purely mental on my part. I have been to the best doc's around and had test after test and they have not found anything medically wrong. I do have major guilt and I know it and getting over it is the majority of the problem IMO
I don't have time to get into non-demand pleasuring as described in "Rekindling Desire." It will take a while, and I am at work. I will post tonight when I get home, everyone's gone to bed, and I have time, opportunity, and the book sitting in front of me.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
annette, I have major amounts of guilt about my indesrcetion. I am not saying that the W and I don't ML it is just fairly rare that we do.
We have been to C but with not much results. All of the C's we have been to blame everything on the W and I think we all know that is not the case. So when C goes on the attack with the W I get pissed and that sure doesn't help things. Don't get me wrong I do think there are some things the W could change but they are very few!!! I am the one with the LD not her and I do see how it effects her. The major problem is that I can't seem to make changes that stick to correct how I react.
Things are getting to the point that I think that the W would be better off without me! Even though this is not what I want I am getting very tired of W going through the heartache and dissappoinment that she is.
I love my wife more than anything but it is hard for her to believe as my actions do not reflect what my words say. This is the major thing I am TRYING to work on.... making my actions reflect my words!!
I have major amounts of guilt about my indesrcetion
What kind of indescretion are you talking about?
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We have been to C but with not much results. All of the C's we have been to blame everything on the W and I think we all know that is not the case. So when C goes on the attack with the W I get pissed and that sure doesn't help things. Don't get me wrong I do think there are some things the W could change but they are very few!!! I am the one with the LD not her and I do see how it effects her. The major problem is that I can't seem to make changes that stick to correct how I react.
In most cases there are two parties to blame. And maybe "blame" is not the correct word to use. Maybe you could find a solution based counselor instead of one that puts the blame on one person or the other? A counselor that can work with both of you to help you find a solution.
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I love my wife more than anything but it is hard for her to believe as my actions do not reflect what my words say. This is the major thing I am TRYING to work on.... making my actions reflect my words!!
I think we all want instant results. I don't think that is going to happen. You have to give yourselves time to work on this and correct it. Really, look into a counselor that you like, that can help the two of you. Good Luck.
You might want to take a look at "Rekindling Desire" by Barry and Emily McCarthy. It reads like a session with a sex therapist. Their main emphasis is that we tend to jump to intercourse too quickly instead of allowing it to flow from erotic stimulation. The pressure to perform can kill arousal, particularly with men who have trouble achieving and/or maintaining erections.
They talk about five levels of touch, like the five gears of a car: 1) affectionate touching while clothed - hugging, kissing, holding hands; 2) sensual non-genital touching that can be nude or semiclothed; 3) playful touching that combines nongenital and genital touch; 4) erotic stimulation to orgasm; 5) intercourse.
Non-demand touching is gears 1 - 3. The authors advocate putting a hold on intercourse while working on performance anxiety issues and engaging strictly in non-demand pleasuring. No BJ's, no f***ing, no pressure to perform. If you get aroused during the course of pleasuring, that's fine. If not, that's OK too. The main point is that by focussing on goal oriented sex, we take the pleasure out of it and put the pressure into it. Intercourse becomes a pass/fail test, rather than a whole spectrum of sensual touching. The authors feel that we should be spending much more time in 3rd gear, and that hugging, kissing, massage, and other pleasuring should be done outside the bed as well as in, and does not and should not always lead to sex.
The key is requests not demands. None of this works without mutuality. It's best if each partner is willing to initiate touching, but it's OK if one initiates more than the other. If one partner says no, the other partner must be accepting. When one partner always says no, as in my wife's case, well then nothing works. That's why, you Totally Lost, have a chance to make this work, since both you and your wife seem ready to work on your sex lives. The difficult part, for you, is getting your W to accept a moratorium on 4th and 5th gear while you learn to feel aroused. While the two of you are at it, she might learn some things about her own arousal patterns that she didn't already know.
An exercise that the authors give starts out with the couple taking a shower or bath together. They reciprocally wash each other all over. They don't give any more attention to the genitals than to any other part of the body. The idea is to touch and to feel. If you get aroused, great, but no sex. If there is no arousal, that's ok too. After washing each other the couple should dry each other. Then they should proceed naked to the bedroom and begin touching each other, taking turns. One partner touches the other partner, then when the giver is done, they trade roles. The receiver, at this stage, should be passive, and focus on the sensation (mutual pleasuring is a different excercise, I guess). Touching is done slowly and sensuously all over the body, first the back, then the front, again without paying any special attention to the genitals.
This is just a sex therapy excercise. At some point you would want to vary the pleasuring to try different things, and it would be natural for more erotic touching and intercourse to flow from pleasuring. But intercourse is much more likely to flow from non-demand pleasuring than the pass/fail sex test that has you in a state of anxiety.
I really don't know what I'm talking about. I can't even get a hug, because I'm not my W's 6 year old kid. Annette, sorry to say, I think your husband might touch you if you stick the TV remote down your shorts .
Totally_lost, I think you should take a look at this book, and maybe look up a sex therapist. A needle might give you a hard on, but it's not sexy. Your W is sexy if you let her be sexy, and you let yourself be sexy with her. Don't perform. Feel.
Good luck
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
I would love that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However H is one of those, lets get right to it kinda guys. I have tried to get him to slow down and just enjoy touching and kissing and stuff, but alas, he just ignores those requests. *sigh*
