Hi Sage - It wasn't until I got to your note about 'protecting himself' that the penny dropped - I know Betsey and many others have discussed the many rationales as to why less than the complete set of facts is apparently acceptable, and I KNOW this is something I need to get over.
I guess the big adjustment for me is that until the affair, NG was painfully honest with me, it was always us against the big bad world. Suddenly he seems to have found a new set of behaviour modes, and I think I'm just having a hard time adjusting. But I will.
And I will read the book you had linked up. After I clean up my closet and get rid of the other affair-related books
Quote: "Protecting" you from whatever knowledge=he doesn't want to have to deal with your feelings. Sigh. So, I guess I would say that you need to make it "safe" for him to share by giving him some space and not pursuing it anxiously. Maybe in a few days, ask casually if he's ready to share.
Precisely - and this is what i struggle with with S., as well. He has not felt safe enough in the past to be truthful with me. (Now, we are struggling with his not feeling safe enough to talk about his feelings. Same thing.)
So, you need to find ways to create that safe space for him to share. GBO's suggestion is excellent. Other ideas:
Not calling him to the carpet for not sharing something right away (i.e., validating his choice to tell you when he decides HE is ready).
Truly making an effort not to react to things emotionally.
Reacting in a way he wouldn't expect. ("Is THAT all that happened? I thought it was much worse, from the looks of your face.")
Hi Jennifer, and Sage - Reading Sage's post just before hitting the sack was good, I obviously need to sleep on things for them to get processed properly. And of course, such welcome validation from Jennifer this morning.
I now understand that this is not about me, about why he may want to hide things from me. It really is about him, why he is not ready to communicate, simply because he has not processed stuff. Even when we were courting, I recall that he used to re-read my letters over and over again, finding meaning at every read. Only then would he respond. Just his style I guess.
Why the change from someone who blurted out everything pre-A to the more reticent NG now - well, I guess this is part of the symtoms that led to the a - at some point I was no longer his 'safe' companion. And I guess the journey in front of us is to make our relationship safe for us both again.
Thanks for the gentle whacks everyone, I finally get the message. I should just accept that he will tell me all when he is ready, and it will be on his timetable.
Lots more fun stuff going on in our lives for me to get stuck into. Slowly
I'm so happy to be waking up to Friday - the prospect of a weekend just doing nothing beckons. We have been quite, quite busy at work, which may also have contributed to a sense of impatience with NG's prevarication. I'm also feeling like I really need time to chill out and process some interesting developments/changes.
Last night, ofter dinner, as we were on the couch mindlessly watching the idiot box, NG mentions oh-so-casually that he is thinking of instructing our lawyers to file a restraining order against ow's H - that the most recent episode was just the last straw. He was looking for my support, as this will cost us $$, at a time when we are still bruising from some investments gone bad. From my perspective, it was a welcome move; I've always been uneasy about ow's H. So folks, there you have it, a few days later than I would have liked, but the right decision, at least, one consistent with my thinking
It just dawned on me that in the past week, NG and I have been apart for the sum of 6 hours. Starting last Thursday, we were on a business trip together, and Friday. Sat and Sun - together all the time. Mon thru Thurs we both worked from home, except for 2 occassions when we went to our respective offices for 3 hours each time. We've had breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner together, every day. Should I be worried about this ?
Ah well, an early start today, hoping to get some work finished and maybe even some visits here.
Slowly 
Slowly