I had expected that at some point I'll need to journal NG's childhood to get additional perspectives from all you 'tribal elders' (thanks GBO - this is such an apt metaphor ) Please all, ask questions where you feel I may have skimmed the surface - I earn a living by cutting through lather to the bottom line, and details don't come naturally

My beloved NG was born into a family that was at that time living in Africa - both parents were from reasonably wealthy families, and the marriage was one that was 'encouraged' by NG's gandparents. There were first 2 girls, and 7 years later NG. By the time he arrived, the marriage had deteriorated; NG's father did not enter the family business, and instead pursued a career in engineering, something he loved and was good at. This did not satisfy NG's mum, who by all accounts was the far more ambitious spouse. She, with the blessing of her father-in-law, bought a farm, ran it practically on her own (NG's father stayed in town) and sold it at a huge profit, sent funds back to mother England for the kids' education.

NG grew up in an atmosphere of rows - he was prone to stomach pains, and I guess being sent away to boarding school at 9 must have felt like a relief. Unlike his sisters, he did not excel academically, and by then, his parents were permanently separated, and mum focused on making NG's holidays miserable by nagging him For most of his life, he has tried to avod his mum, it is only very recently that he has made peace with the fact that she is who she is. They still have an uneasy relationship, he finds it difficult to make the weekly phone call

Needless to say, back 20 years ago, she had nothing but objections to me. NG stood his ground, so I do know that when something is important enough to him, he will take on confrontations. In fact, he has told me many times that 'we' were the one thing he would fight for.

Over the years, I have seen him 'expect' me to get up to the things he either saw him mum do, or thought she did. Many have been quashed, over time - e.g. his mum is a shopaholic, and NG used to expect me to be extravagant - after many years, he has come to be comfortable that I'm actually quite frugal (thanks to the nuns at the convent ). But I guess with the affair, he expected me to erupt and nag like his mum, and has still not grasped the fact that this shark is vegetarian.

He is fond of his elder sister, who unfortunately is manic depressive, mainly due to the traumatic childhood. NG has not been in contact with his second sister for at least 10 years - this one shut herself off, I guess it was easier to cope with the family rows that way. Very sad family.

It did not dawn on me just how deeply his experiences from 30 years ago have scarred NG. Looking at him now, the strange combination of arrogance and insecurity, I can see a tortured soul, who knows he has damaged the one relationship in his life that was good. He keeps saying that he does not know how he will live with himself.

On the surface we seem to live a charmed life, but I guess like most people, beneath the surface reality lurks.

Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time