Hi everyone - It's a little inconvenient that real life gets in the way of bb life We have just been busy, at the weekend, as well as at work.
In all the worry about the investment, I did completely forget about the skating - I showed NG my efforts on Friday (we were out of town till then) and yes, he was suitably impressed. So impressed in fact that we have been out Sat and Sun evenings, exploring the neighbourhood He is so pleased, and has taken to bragging about his 'late bloomer' to friends. A good result. I'm not completely at ease, new places, other traffic all still bother me - but I know I'm improving with every outing - yeah me
It promises to be another busy week at work - lots of year end reporting to get ready for.
Hi GBO, Deb and Jennifer - Well, the good cheesy tunnel is still there, but we had a bit of a rude shock last night. BTW, its either very late Tues or very early Weds over here, depending on how you look at it. I could not sleep, and so here I am
As NG and I were settling down after dinner (I make a mean pasta bolognaise) the phone goes and its ex-ow's H. Some of you may remember this is the guy who vandalised our front door at the end of Jan when he hot-footed it around to our place only to find we were on holiday abroad. NG was quite cool, and ended the one-sided convo quickly. All he tells me is that it was ex-ow's H, calling to say hi. I'm like huh? The only time this guy calls is when he and ex-ow have rows. I ask NG if this is ex-ow's way of re-establishing contact (NG swears, there has been no contact since THAT email).
Anyhow, I ask NG what he is going to do about it, and he says nothing. I'm like, should we not at least report this to the police - they still have an open file after the vandalism. NG says maybe. I ask him if he will contact ex-ow - he says no, but that it would be good to let ex-ow's sister know what is going on, and asks me if I would call her I then say, well a call to say hi is hardly anything she would be interested in - NG then says the guy had been hurling abuse down the line. So, I ask him, what else am I to discover later - why do I not get the whole truth in one go - and NG says that he will tell me things at a pace he thinks I can handle
Guys - what do you make of this? ow's H is really a simple guy, and is probably being played expertly by ow. I'm dismayed that NG is not taking this harassment seriously - but neither do I think it is my place to fix the problem. Calling ex-ow's sister, or the police - surely he needs to take a lead?
Questions, questions. I'm sure you've thought of twice as many. Was the man drunk? Etc.
Your H sure is a fraidy-cat sometimes, isn't he (so's mine by the way). "Protecting" you from whatever knowledge=he doesn't want to have to deal with your feelings. Sigh. So, I guess I would say that you need to make it "safe" for him to share by giving him some space and not pursuing it anxiously. Maybe in a few days, ask casually if he's ready to share.
As for dealing with ex-ow's H, how worried are you about a repeat of the vandalism or an escalation to violence? Would the police do anything about yelling on the phone? One thing you can do is write it down in a journal or diary. H should write down exactly what was said. This can be a legal record later of what happened.
((((((Slowly))))))) I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Thanks GBO - It seems like a good idea to journal the call details in case we need to refer to it later. I guess I could ask NG to send me an email.
The extent to which he was 'protecting' me - just over this 2 minute phone call - was also a moment of truth about this chap's tendency to be less than truthful. GBO, you got it - he seems to be so scared of my reaction. Now, in my defence, I must say I'm not really that much of a shark - this definitely goes back to his childhood, and mum. This is not the first time he has projected his mum/sisters' habits on to me - the universal woman
I had expected that at some point I'll need to journal NG's childhood to get additional perspectives from all you 'tribal elders' (thanks GBO - this is such an apt metaphor ) Please all, ask questions where you feel I may have skimmed the surface - I earn a living by cutting through lather to the bottom line, and details don't come naturally
My beloved NG was born into a family that was at that time living in Africa - both parents were from reasonably wealthy families, and the marriage was one that was 'encouraged' by NG's gandparents. There were first 2 girls, and 7 years later NG. By the time he arrived, the marriage had deteriorated; NG's father did not enter the family business, and instead pursued a career in engineering, something he loved and was good at. This did not satisfy NG's mum, who by all accounts was the far more ambitious spouse. She, with the blessing of her father-in-law, bought a farm, ran it practically on her own (NG's father stayed in town) and sold it at a huge profit, sent funds back to mother England for the kids' education.
NG grew up in an atmosphere of rows - he was prone to stomach pains, and I guess being sent away to boarding school at 9 must have felt like a relief. Unlike his sisters, he did not excel academically, and by then, his parents were permanently separated, and mum focused on making NG's holidays miserable by nagging him For most of his life, he has tried to avod his mum, it is only very recently that he has made peace with the fact that she is who she is. They still have an uneasy relationship, he finds it difficult to make the weekly phone call
Needless to say, back 20 years ago, she had nothing but objections to me. NG stood his ground, so I do know that when something is important enough to him, he will take on confrontations. In fact, he has told me many times that 'we' were the one thing he would fight for.
Over the years, I have seen him 'expect' me to get up to the things he either saw him mum do, or thought she did. Many have been quashed, over time - e.g. his mum is a shopaholic, and NG used to expect me to be extravagant - after many years, he has come to be comfortable that I'm actually quite frugal (thanks to the nuns at the convent ). But I guess with the affair, he expected me to erupt and nag like his mum, and has still not grasped the fact that this shark is vegetarian.
He is fond of his elder sister, who unfortunately is manic depressive, mainly due to the traumatic childhood. NG has not been in contact with his second sister for at least 10 years - this one shut herself off, I guess it was easier to cope with the family rows that way. Very sad family.
It did not dawn on me just how deeply his experiences from 30 years ago have scarred NG. Looking at him now, the strange combination of arrogance and insecurity, I can see a tortured soul, who knows he has damaged the one relationship in his life that was good. He keeps saying that he does not know how he will live with himself.
On the surface we seem to live a charmed life, but I guess like most people, beneath the surface reality lurks.
The extent to which he was 'protecting' me - just over this 2 minute phone call - was also a moment of truth about this chap's tendency to be less than truthful.
Hmmm...even though that's what he said, I just didn't see it that way (tho' what the heck do I know)...
all of a sudden, out of the blue, in the midst of a great dinner with his w, h gets a phone call that puts him back into the middle of a terrible situation of his own creation AND contains a string of abuse (though what could be worse than what he's already told himself). Don't you think that sounds like an awful lot to process in a short period of time? If your h is anything like mine, he would have needed to get that out at his own pace...you queried, he gave you an answer to stall (he called to say "hi") because he truly wasn't ready to discuss it yet...I don't think it was a conscious lie and while he may have been protecting "you" he was likely also protecting himself (albeit briefly) because his brain had to process the info a bit at a time.
What's the name of the book that's going around the boards? "What could he be thinking" or something like that?
That book would suggest that what happened was biological in nature and not at all related to a desire to lie to you.
(FWIW, I do think that these tendencies are exacerbated by childhood experiences but that being said...there are claims that this is "how" some men's brains "work")
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
We have just been busy, at the weekend, as well as at work.
He is so pleased, and has taken to bragging about his 'late bloomer' to friends. A good result. I'm not completely at ease, new places, other traffic all still bother me - but I know I'm improving with every outing - yeah me 
I then say, well a call to say hi is hardly anything she would be interested in - NG then says the guy had been hurling abuse down the line. So, I ask him, what else am I to discover later - why do I not get the whole truth in one go - and NG says that he will tell me things at a pace he thinks I can handle 