Quote: Great that NG invited you along. Shows he was feeling very comfortable with where you are and that there would be no R trouble whle there.
Yes, yes, yes. I think this is where we have got to.
But, I have to say, there is a price to be paid. I've to some extent shut down my most intense emotions when in NG's vicinity. I find it just far less painful to keep things in my head, paste a smile and just keep acting-as-if. To be honest, if I were NG, I would not want this. BUT, it seems to be what he prefers, so I'll go along, and vent here.
We got home last night and I must say it is good to be settled in for the weekend. Looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Do you feel in acting "as-if" and NG's seeming happiness wtih this that intimacy is being kept at arm's length? What would you want this to look like, ultimately?
Try to bear in mind that this is a process. An interesting question to ask might be when would be good to take the temperature on the relationship from your perspective?
Hi GBO - Yeah, a few days away from you guys and I start forgetting the 'slowly' part of this process. I guess I keep remembering NG's words in his final email to ow
Quote: The talks we had about ending it over the last few weeks have I guess materialised, and that I too want to start a new chapter with clarity and conviction, and start to rebuild the trust and innocence that has been lost in my life.
I think it is the lost trust and innocence that I sometimes feel the need to mourn. I find myself wearing a mask with the one person I used to think I could really be 'myself' - of course, we will never go back to that place of uncomplicated easy-going one-ness.
But, I know we will be ok, in our own, new way. Everyday, I find myself learning something else about myself, or the R that I am in. About NG. I probably expected way too much of him. And now, we are both adjusting - testing out the waters. I find myself, strangely, more confident about myself. Not sure why, though.
So GBO, the thing that I yearn for sometimes, an R that is totally open, well, I'm not sure it is desirable. Where is the challenge and mystery in someone who is an open book? Dbing is now a lifetime assignment
slowly, i dont think i will want a life of complete openness either. i was always completely open with h. my feelings were always known and felt, and that was definatly not always good. i feel better knowing that there are things about me that i can hold just for me. both good things and bad things. it keeps me feeling like a separate and unique person.
I think that especially in cases of A, it is the LBS that has to "eat" his/her feelings for a very long time before the R is on stable enough ground to - and you may disagree with me here, but I'm starting to learn this in my own sitch - just forget about it.
I'm not saying that you will EVER completely forget, but I've come to realize that stuffing my emotions over OW and not outwardly freaking out over every little thing (like the anxiety I feel when S's cell phone rings, or when he brings the mail in) feels oppressive at first, but then when the trust and confidence comes back, it feels liberating not to have to talk about it or think about it anymore.
Someone recently recommended Stephen Mitchell's "Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time" to me as a high-level and worthwhile read. I haven't read it so can't give my own review. From what one person wrote on Amazon, the main premise seems to be that
The most common motivation for coupling is the perceived need for security most people associate with connectedness to another person. Romance is not associated with security, however, it is associated with risk and unknowing. In the end, the need to acquire security via knowing all the details about the beloved, i.e. objectivity or elimination of the 'unknown', overwhelms romantic love. Generally, individuals who grew up in chaotic situations have an excessive need eliminate the unknown and are therefore very likely to kill romantic love.
Apparently Mitchell argues that the illusion of security is something we need to overcome in order to grow up and also to sustain the passion and romance over the long haul.
Don't know if this is relevant to your current musings about NG and the loss of trust and innocence in your "new" relationship. I do know that the mutual co-dependence that H and I developed is very much related to this. I think he thinks that he doesn't have this with OW....he is freer....even though, as my C says, "she has him by the balls." Ugh.
Anyway, I've got the book on order and Maya plans to read it too.
Holy cow, GBO, I think Mr. Wonderful and I are the poster children for the kids with chaotic upbringings. Slowly, you haven't discussed NG's roots but yours certainly sounds a bit, well, different as well.
I'm working as a volunteer at Borders on Wednesday night for D7's school fund raiser. I'm going to look for this one myself. Uh oh, I just realized I broke a pact I made with myself: no self help books until 2005! I'm now a liar to boot...
This sounds like an excellent read! Thanks!
Betsey
p.s. Slowly, how the heck are you doing?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Kelly, Jennifer, GBO and Betsey - You guys are just so good for me I honestly think I'm getting to grips with what I used to believe was the role of transparency in a relationship, with the need for each of us to just be ourselves, complete with personal space.
Can I just say, NG and I have had a really rough evening - not with each other, but with some bad news regarding some old investments. Basically, we stand to lose almost all that we put in, the equivalent of a year's combined earnings. We agonised over what to do, and finally decided to bite the bullet, liquidate the holdings, and move on. Painful, though. But, even in this situation, I found dbing useful. Validated NG's perspective, looked at the big picture and generally focused on what was important.
Looks like lots of discussions for me to catch up on here - its been a while I've looked forward to insomnia
Yes, lots of good discussion (and yikes, ANOTHER book to read! ), but I have just a couple of simple questions: How's the skating? And did you tell/show NG your new talent?
Slowly 
Betsey