Quote: I ran through folks from my part of the list who have confirmed and asked NG how he got on with his. He said he was waiting on one couple and that was it. Now, one of the other folks on his list did ping me to say she could not make it, we happened to be emailing about a work related issue. NG does not know she was in contact with me. I asked NG again if he had invited anyone else, and he said very clearly NO.
From where I'm standing, it looks like one of three things:
1. He simply forgot about her 2. She replied to him already, and while she was talking to you about work stuff remembered and decided to tell you, too 3. You asked if he'd INVITED anyone else, and he misunderstood the question to mean, "anyone else you didn't already know about."
Slowly, could it be that maybe he was embaressed a little that someone he invited declined?
either way you look at it lying is an issue i had to kill a long time ago, while we were still together. i just accept the fact that he will lie. i cannot change it, or control it. once i stopped making a big deal about it, he started making it a bigger deal. now he will constantly tell me right away if he lied about something.
i also tried to thank him every single time he told me the truth when i knew the truth was a hard thing for him to say. i always look for a way to praise him for being honest. "thanks for being honest with me about xxx, it may have hurt a little when you first said it, but now that i think about it, i can do this now. if you would not have told me the truth i would still be doing xxx. and i know it would have been easier for you to protect my feelings by lying, so want you to know i really appreciate it."
i say this so often you would think it would be old by now, but every time i say it, i see a possitive reaction. 100% of the time it works well. and like i said, he is making telling me the truth a huge priority now.
plus i am very much happier looking for ways he is truthful instead of watching constantly for the lies. trust me, i know this is hard, and it takes practice, but for me it worked.
My fellow dbers - Thank you so much for helping me feel that there are many shades of grey, even in something that at first glance can seem so binary. I will respond more appropriately in a few minutes about the issue of lies. But first, some good news.
My trip was a huge success, the paper I presented went down a storm, many clients thought it was an outstanding piece of analysis. I have to tell you, when you are bruising, every little bit of recognition helps The time away from NG also gave me some fresh perspective on where we were in Nov 2004 - and it really is not a bad place.
On Friday, as we were IMing, NG starts getting flirtatious online. Ellie - you were so right, I only needed to let him know that I was open to this sort of chat, the man can certainly apply his imagination. Sooo, I guess we were both humming along nicely till I got back late Friday afternoon, and got some serious attention from each other before we went to a dinner party NG was verrry attentive during the party, practically waited on me the whole evening. I like this kind of attention, and told him so
On Saturay, we went o pick up one of our cars that has been in the body shop for a bumper replacement. As we get to the garage, I notice the car has some amazing sports accessories added. NG quite defensively says he decided to proceed as it was going to cost only a little more than a straight bumper replacement. He was fully expecting me to go into fish-eating mode - guys - you will be sooo proud of me, I just agreed that it made sense, and that I would have done the same. Can I say he was shocked - gob-smacked as we say? It was worth going on that fish-free diet
The weekend just kept getting better. He has to travel on business this Weds and actually invited me along - and yeah - I'm going. These days, not only am I surprising him, I'm surprising myself too
Oh, Slowly, I'm so glad to see that things have picked up and that you are noticing (immediate) positive reactions to changes you are making. And congratulations for the success of your paper!--You are so right that outside affirmation helps tons.
Asking yourself, how important is this in the grand scheme of things, like, in twenty years from now, will getting angry about this have helped?
I may be "right" (even that is debatable, of course) but will it contribute to a happy home? Will D look back and think she had a happy childhood? Will H want to return to this atmosphere?
What is the true cost of being "always right"?
Love conquers everything.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi GBO and LnL - Thanks as always for the feedback and encouragement - it has kept me going
We left home Tuesday nite, NG is on client meetings everyday, I'm camped out in the hotel room, getting through a HUGE backlog of analysis, and feeling quite productive. Only just managed to get on to broadband, on the day before we leave, aarrgghh. Better late than never, I guess.
In terms of the ole' R, I guess we are both quite busy, so it's not an issue that is in our face. I'm of course very happy to be here with him, which has helped enormously with the anxiety.
I think it's great that you went along, as well as him asking. Probably validating for him. Glad you could get some work done in the process (broadband or no).
Hi Slowly! Great that NG invited you along. Shows he was feeling very comfortable with where you are and that there would be no R trouble whle there. I think this is where S. gets hung up - he doesn't want to deal even with the POTENTIAL for trouble, and so he would rather I not be there.
Congratulations on the decisive win (your presentation)!
Hi Ellen - NG is short for Nice Guy (and of course we had an entire discussion on what nice actually meant )
It came about after one of those discussions with H and why he was taking his time ending the affair, he said he did not want to 'hurt' ow - well, what a 'nice guy'
The time away from NG also gave me some fresh perspective on where we were in Nov 2004 - and it really is not a bad place. 
NG was verrry attentive during the party, practically waited on me the whole evening. I like this kind of attention, and told him so 
