Hi Slowly, I just read through your thread and got caught up. I hope you get to feeling better soon... I will be following your thread very closely, as usual I feel like we are long-lost siblings.... I too am struggling with triggers that create terrible anxiety....then I have a melt down. much of my problem also stems from the knowledge that contact hasnt ended after all the, as you put it so aptly, "fluent lies"... I also just came to the realization that I want what H gave OW....I want the tenderness and romance....he started to give this to me, and seems to have pulled back, so I will be searching for ways to change the dynamics of our R.....as I've told him, I am not going to live the cool, distant life we led before again. So, sister, I'm thinking of you, and as always appreciating the inspiration I get from you! Deb
Glad your reunion with NG after the trip was good and intimate.
Quote: I used to jump out of bed early at weekends to clean/organise files etc, while NG was having a lie in. I honestly thought I was being a constructive partner Given that QT is his major LL, I can see how he would have felt his tank depleting every time I woke up hours earlier.
I wish S. could see this. I'm the one lying in bed hating that he is already up and I can't get the attention I need. Good for you for recognizing this.
Hi KAW - Good to see you back in this neck of the woods
Actually, I went home after lunch and just went to sleep, felt a LOT better. We had a quiet night, and both of us slept better. NG definitely has the more severe chest infection, but then again, he is also less respectful of being ill, and pushes himself. I used to nag, now I just 'understand' that he needs to do what he needs to do Dropping the rope is a skill applicable in many circumstances.
We are starting Tuesday on a more healthy note Still learning, Slowly
The triggers will always be there, I reckon, we just need to give ourselves time, so the emotions that arise from these triggers are not so overwhelming. I am now finding that if I allow myself 5-10 minutes to let it all flow, so to speak, in the privacy of my bathroom, and then compose myself, get my act-as-if face on, and step out to face the world, I seem to be coping better. The few minutes of indulgence seems to do the trick for me
Quote: I also just came to the realization that I want what H gave OW....I want the tenderness and romance....he started to give this to me, and seems to have pulled back, so I will be searching for ways to change the dynamics of our R.....as I've told him, I am not going to live the cool, distant life we led before again.
Yes, yes, yes. Me too. I think this is where the baby steps are again needed. For example, NG still starts the night with a tight hug as we drift off to sleep, but my nid-night, we have each gone solo. In the past, I used to wait for him to come back to me, and feel put out if he does not . Now I just reach across and hold his hand, and I seem to ALWAYS get a tight hug back in return, even if he is half asleep. A small change in my response, and we have a new outcome.
I still feel I'm doing much of the heavy lifting, but you know, I'm getting so much in return. Plus, I may not be recognising the work he is doing, it may not appear as work to me
Just popping over to your place now, Deb. We do have a lot to glean from each other's situations, don't we?
Thank you so much for posting the 'other side's' perspective, now I KNOW I've made the right changes
The big unveiling of me skating will happen next Weds - I cannot wait to see his face
Something strange about patience, for as long as I thought I needed a deadline so that I can 'make a decision' patience seemed to be a difficult beast to tame. Now that I've re-framed myself to view little improvements or changes as something I will do for the rest of my life - well hey, there seems to be all the time in the world Regardless of whether I will be with NG, I see myself as someone who will now be constantly re-evaluating what I am doing NOW, not preparing for some hypothetical future.
Quote: Something strange about patience, for as long as I thought I needed a deadline so that I can 'make a decision' patience seemed to be a difficult beast to tame. Now that I've re-framed myself to view little improvements or changes as something I will do for the rest of my life - well hey, there seems to be all the time in the world Regardless of whether I will be with NG, I see myself as someone who will now be constantly re-evaluating what I am doing NOW, not preparing for some hypothetical future.
Slowly, this is so worth reading over & over again. There are two points which resonate clearly with me: (1) Setting a 'deadline' was often a way of avoiding the pain of a situation by imposing an artificial limit to the amount of time I would have to reach a result. Sometimes I think it would inhibit creativity in finding solutions as well. (2)I realized that I was often living by planning for the future and missing the fun of right NOW. Rushing around trying to make the 'next thing' perfect all but erased the moment I was in. And as long as I kept this up, it felt like that future never came bec. by the time it did I was beyond it, working on the 'next'.
Viewed as life-long process and knowing that all we really have IS right now will serve us well.
Hugs, -H2H
PS: Way to go on the skating! I thought it was a fantastic new thing to do. Looking forward to reading H's reaction.
Hi Slowly! your observation about deadlines and patience is very helpful....and H2H's observation about setting deadlines being a way to ease the pain is exactly on target in my sitch.
helpful stuff here gals, thanks!
Boy, Slowly, do I know what you mean about doing the heavy lifting! Is your H predictble in his responses? Sometimes it seems mine changes so much from day to day, it's hard to know what to do.
Quote: I see myself as someone who will now be constantly re-evaluating what I am doing NOW, not preparing for some hypothetical future.
Ohhhhhh, thanks for this. It resonates particularly with me, as S. and I are deciding whether we want to be married to each other. I find myself all too focused on the goal - the marriage, the kids, the beautiful house - and not enough on the steps it takes to get there. I feel so impatient to get there already that I'm tripping over my own cloddy feet, which are most definitely IN MY WAY.
A few months ago, Betsey very wisely asked me to 'trust the process" and I am so glad I took her advice; what started off as a journey to fix my marriage has turned out to be a far more significant voyage of discovery and re-alignment Interestingly, I just saw my Cainercast for the day:
Where do you come from? Try again. The answer you have just given is interesting and true, as far as it goes, but that's not where you come from. It's just a place where you previously found yourself. Where were you before that? And what were you? The fact that it is impossible to answer such a profound, cosmic question doesn't detract from the need to ask. Indeed, it makes it all the more vital. As too, does the growing realisation that you are perhaps identifying too narrowly, with something too restricting.
Hmmm. The thread that Sage and Pam started last week on dbing 'ourselves' started me on the path of consolidating some random thoughts, feelings that I've been wrestling with for a while. Then there was the discussion about how we handle parents over at Bets' - here is her response, and I wanted to bring it over here so I can focus a little more
Quote: Slowly, I'm totally at a loss to understand why parents do that sort of thing. I have enough exposure in the special needs world to have learned that children crave touch and love... and when they are denied either (or both), tend to have attachment difficulties or disorders.
I saw your journaling on your thread, and I guess I'm wondering if you might also have some big abandonment issues that are surfacing with NG? Hey, I know firsthand that I've had them for a lifetime. They're finally out on the table, and I'm finally tackling that demon. Though I will admit that this is going to be an uphill struggle for the rest of my life.
As a dear friend of mine suggested a few weeks ago, I need to take care of this business in order to get close to others. I saw that one loud and clear, and I'm processing how my fears trigger some pretty awful dynamics.
Someone told me that there are differences in dysfunction. A functioning dysfunctional attempts to resolve the fears that pop up along the way so they can become more emotionally healthy. A dysfunctioning dysfunctional refuses to do so.
I'd say that most of us here are the former, don't you think? If not, we'd have never embarked on this journey. Face it, most of us here have been MORE than willing to address our issues and tackle them head on. We might have done it with great reservation or even unwillingness, but we did it. And that's what counts in the end.
I know, intellectually, that I've been keeping the lid on 'abandonment issues' - but I guess tha fact that I was ready to write about its genesis means it is time to tackle them. I have no idea how, but I'm now in the consciously-incompetent quadrant with regard to this one.
Its way past my bedtime; NG is fast asleep from taking his knock-out meds - poor babe, his chest does not seem to be getting better at all. I was planning to stop here for just a couple of minutes, but sometimes, we find the pull stronger, don't we?
Its a wet and miserable Wednesday here, both of us are working from home, which is nice. I'm on a plane tonight, and will not be back till Friday evening - not looking forward to this trip at all
I have to hit my work pile today, not sure just how much contemplation will be done ...
Dropping the rope is a skill applicable in many circumstances.
Slowly 
. Now I just reach across and hold his hand, and I seem to ALWAYS get a tight hug back in return, even if he is half asleep. A small change in my response, and we have a new outcome. 
