NG loves to skate, and it is something I never learnt to do. Today, I enrolled on a training course that guarantees I'll be able to skate after 4 lessons - in time for NG's birthday. My plan is to surprise him - I know this will give us more opportunities to do fun things together...
You've got some great ideas to work on here, Slowly. So glad you are working *through* the anxiety here (though sorry you have it, ugh, I do know all about that). Do keep moving forward....one foot, or skate, in front of the other.
Hey Slowly! Just checking in. Wish I knew how to avoid those "trigger's"!!!!
I think maybe I should start a thread called "Trigger Happy" and see what we can all come up with as a way to deal with those ugly things.....They always seem to catch me off guard and I HATE dealing with the anxiety. Doing 180's distracts me for a while but it isn't dealing with what's at the root of the trigger....ya know what I mean? Anyways, hope you are having a good evening! Trish(Cycler)
Hi GBO and Trish - Thanks for the encouragement, this week I seem to need it more than usual
Well, I intend to make Thursday the best day of this week so far. Broke the back of my 'problem project' for work yesterday, plan to work from home today to finish writing up all the notes and reports. Then I have my first skating lesson in the evening, and hope to swing by some home deco shops before dinner. Full day.
NG and I had good contact last night, he was having dinner in his room, we were on IM, and got some suggestive conversation going first online then on the phone. Baby steps. Let's see how far we can take it tonite Still feels a little awkward to me though, but he swung into it fast... More learning for Slowly.
Anyone got good results on discussion the why of the affair? I know me, for as long as we don't have adequate understanding, it'll haunt me. Just don't know how to go about it
the "Why of the Affair" was something I have really been struggling with..until lately..
Go read my thread from the last few days on "Once reconciliation has occured" for a post I sent to Betsey (Underdog).
I had been grappling with the subject and came to some realizations..
Also go read MGOBLUE in MLC .....great stuff there about the why's and why they don't want to share it( all the 411) about their reasoning for the A.
At this point I feel like I could do a book on the why's, so I will not write some long drawn out post on it right now...Suffice it to say I came to realize...You DON"T have to understand the reasoning to move beyond it....You may not find out..because basically until THEY can figure out why they did it they cannot communicate to YOU why they did it and they may not understand it for a very...and I mean very( YEARS AND YEARS) not understand it, long time.
If they ever get some councilling then maybe they will, or if God deems it nessessary for them to learn they will, otherwise you are going to have to make some decisions for yourself.
What can you live with What can you not What good will knowing be for you? What good will it be for them Will knowing change anything? Why do you want to know? What are you trying to control? Do you think you can predict what will happen? What will you stand for now?
Please consider some of these questions, it may give you some of the peace that you search for.
Dang it, Trish! I got back to work yesterday and didn't have anything to say. Well, at least until I see your $10.02 worth here. As usual, you struck gold.
Slowly, she's kept me focused for over a year now, so I find Trish's musings worth pondering... for days.
It reminds me of a question on Hud's thread many moons ago. Someone asked, "Is it helpful to understand the plane wreck you were in? Or is it more helpful to replay the survival techniques?"
Hud, in his infinite brilliance combined with humor, had a lightbulb moment. He commented that he HAD survived a real plane crash and commented that the experience was one he would consistently choose not to relive.
The point? Some people do not know the answer to the question. Others choose not to take the time to figure out the reasons. And still, others find the truth too painful to broach. I knew why I chose to have an EA, but that doesn't mean everyone is willing to replay something that brings them shame and guilt and whatever other horrid emotions that bubble to the surface.
What counts is the steps we take to get past it. Right?
Trish's questions are definitely worth considering... and answering. Somehow, I think you already know the answers so I doubt this exercise is going to trouble you for any longer than it takes to write them out (or think about them).
Big hugs to you both today. Now I'm afraid I have to get back to work.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My H tried to explain to me why he had a ONS and it made me feel better for all of two seconds. Knowing why didn't take away any of the pain or any of the fear. I am still questioning why even though he has told me over and over. I think knowing why has made me question everything I ever did when it happened. If only I had done or said such and such it wouldn't have happened. It is making me live more in the past than I should be.
Time is the only thing that will take away the pain and fear. I think asking why will just stir up too much pain and may make him want to distance himself from you.
I can contribute a little piece of wisdom my DB coach, Chuck, passed along to me:
Quote: If you HAD to answer this questions once and for all, would you rather him be with her, thinking of you? Or with you, thinking of her?
I thought for a good long minute (the $$s were ticking away, so I would have thought longer if I could ) but came up with a sure answer: With her, thinking of me. He said, "In my years of counseling no one has EVER said anything different. So now why would you want him to relive the experience of being with her? Why would you remind him of it?"
And I had no good answer.
Focus on the positives, Slowly. Easier said than done, but just try to let it drop. I have to remind myself of this every single day. Take it one day at a time. Ask yourself, Will this question bring me closer, or push him farther away?
Affair questions have serious potential for pushing him away. Not worth the risk for a briefly positive A conversation, that as MF said, makes you feel better for a day at the most. Won't it just bring up more questions? and then more after that?
Trish, Betsey and MovingForward - thanks so much for your wisdom, it is just so nice to have my struggles validated, more than anything else. Especially as I'm getting no recognition from the person who could make all this so much easier
Trish - I will read up your thread and the one in MLC that you recommend. It may not answer my questions, but like much on this board, it will certainly help me acquire some tools to cope better
Betsey - Welcome back! I can empathise with the work thing, part of my 'problem' is that the mountain on my desk is not allowing enough time for contemplation I think Maya is drowning too. Must be something to do with the eclipse
MovingForward - I've never thought of what happens after he tells me why it happened - you bring a new perspective to the table - that the satisfaction is short-lived I guess for me, one of the things I'm looking for is for him to feel that I am important enough for him to put the effort into explaining what and why it happened, not just brush the whole thing aside.
And yes, time is what will ultimately do the job. I know I'm still in the 2-month since contact ended zone (at least, I'm told there has been no more contact, see the problem, I'm not even 100% sure, finding it sooo hard to believe after all the fluent lies )
I fully accept it is these kind of struggles that make piecing worth having its own forum - there are real challenges. On the bright side, I know I'm improving myself, and no matter what, I am coming out of this a better person. It also dawned on me that I do not have to change my life, in order to live a different life. That feels liberating.
P.S. Learning to skate as a surprise to your H is an EXCELLENT idea. Great QT idea. Might steal it (for ice skating) as it gets colder around these parts.
Still feels a little awkward to me though, but he swung into it fast... More learning for Slowly.
Betsey 
) but came up with a sure answer: With her, thinking of me. He said, "In my years of counseling no one has EVER said anything different. So now why would you want him to relive the experience of being with her? Why would you remind him of it?"
I guess for me, one of the things I'm looking for is for him to feel that I am important enough for him to put the effort into explaining what and why it happened, not just brush the whole thing aside.