Slowly -- those "trigger" times are tough, aren't they? I hope you find somethings -- whatever they are -- to help with the anxiety. One thing I've found to be true for me is that it does get a bit easier AND each time I get thru a rough patch well I can look back and think "yah, I did that".
Come vent/express here if we can help! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Slowly - any possibility you can start going along on those business trips? Or at least have phone sex with him while he's there?
I know I never appreciated how lonely my H got on those trips (he's very extroverted and doesn't need much time alone - unlike me, I'm the opposite.) I would always have very practical reasons not to go (who would watch the kids, he'd be working most of the time anyway, why spend the money on my ticket, etc.). Since the bomb I have made every effort possible to travel with him when he goes, and he really appreciates the company SO much. And you know what? I get to stay in nice hotels, work out in their gyms, have lunches with DBers all over the country (okay, San Francisco, Boston and New York so far, but you never know when I might be coming to your town, guys!!!) and the nights with H are pretty great
So - instead of focusing on OW fears - why not figure out a way to travel with him.
Hi Sage and Ellie - I guess these are the building blocks of piecing, how we cope with predictable, but nevertheless difficult episodes. Since May, NG has been good about letting me know of upcoming trips, and even organising flight tickets for me. This time, all he said was I need to be gone for a week, and that was it. I guess I'm quite up to my eyes at work too, and perhaps did not respond sufficiently positively, dunno. Anyhow. he has been very sweet, setting up our mobile phones so we can chat often, exchange pictures, without it costing a bomb.
I may also be borrowing trouble a bit, as part of me is anxious the following week after he gets back, I have to go away for a couple of days. Now, what I'd really like is for him to come with me, and we can make a long weekend of it. I gotta work on this...
I'm ashamed to say I don't know how-to phone sex - ugh. Good idea, something else to learn
Also, his birthday is coming up mid Nov, don't know yet what I'll get him - any ideas folks?
Quote: I'm ashamed to say I don't know how-to phone sex - ugh. Good idea, something else to learn
Okay, I'll admit it here, for some reason I was totally shy about doing this too! Just get in bed, call him at night when you know you'll be in bed, then start telling him where you are and what you're wearing (you could be wearing sweats for all I care, but DESCRIBE some beautiful lingerie from Victoria's Secret) then start telling him what you'd like to do to him or have him do to you or how you're touching yourself. Trust me, he'll help you along with this
Quote: I hope you find somethings -- whatever they are -- to help with the anxiety. One thing I've found to be true for me is that it does get a bit easier AND each time I get thru a rough patch well I can look back and think "yah, I did that".
the temptation to cancel my work appointments, and take the next flight out to join NG is so strong, BUT, I have to learn to live with the uncertainty of what he is up to while not withing sight of me, so the learning might as well begin now
One topic that I did not have the courage to dive into related to anger - why we anger, and that perhaps it is easier to be angry than to reconcile our own insecurities.
Quote: When we get angry and focus on the behavior of the other person, we are being dishonest. Because we are truly angry with how we feel. Yes, they may trigger those negative feelings. But it's much more fair if we can say to them instead, "When you walk away from me in the middle of a conversation, I feel ignored and unimportant. And it makes me sad. Instead of telling you that you're a rude a*hole for walking away, I need to tell you how I feel when you do that."
Just as anger management, I believe feeling management can be developed. Now, I find myself asking the question "how do I feel about this' before I go down the path of judging someone else. Happy to say I've rescued myself from a lot of heartache and erroneous conclusions
The anxiety that I felt wash over me as NG was leaving on his week long trip was quite overwhelming. Strangely, I was focused on the narrow scope of 'is OW joining him' which then broadened into 'has she left her husband - the only way she could travel' to 'what else has NG not told me' Of course, all this is manifestation of the fact that I no longer find myself able to believe him. And am feeling frustrated with myself for still wanting to believe him, when his recent behaviour indicates that he does not value my trust. It is my limitations that are frustrating me - my inability to develop a relationship with NG that does not have 'trust' at its core. Not quite sure how I can go about enjoying my time with him, without getting hung up on those things which may in fact not be make-or-break issues.
So this week now looks like a gift of time and space to ponder on these sometimes esoteric points.
Managed to keep myself occupied today - after work, went to get some waxing done. Got persuaded to go the whole way and try out a brazilian - yeowwwww. Feels good though, and looking forward to NG's reaction on Friday
He was quite preoccupied with work tonite - working from his room, and he was on IM with me most of the time, so unlikely that OW was there, unless she was mucho understanding... Big presentation tomorrow. Ellie, I'm going to try the 'talk' tomorrow, wish me luck
Funny how we see what we need, here is my Cainercast for the day
What will come of your current adventure? Where will it lead? What lasting benefit will it bring? There is a sense in which these are all inappropriate questions. You don't ask such things when you decide to go to a movie . You simply feel attracted to an experience, so you go off and allow yourself to have it. As long as it is a good movie, you feel glad you went. Maybe what's happening now is a similar "intense but irrelevent distraction" or maybe it is something more. Either way, it should be enjoyed, not analysed, this week. A historic eclipse will soon bring you much-needed help.
Living is going to a good movie, living is going to a good movie
sounds like your anxiety was only that - and now you can relax! (Of course, who can relax after a Brazilian?! )
One thing to remember when you try the talk is just to take it slow and don't get flustered if he doesn't get it. You can start so subtly that it could in fact turn out to be his idea! I suggest startiong out by saying in a flirty voice that you have a "surprise" for him when he gets home. Give him little leading hints, but don't tell him what it is (you can tell him what it feels like instead). Good luck!
Hi Jen - Thanks for the tip - in the end the 'talk' plan tonite got hijacked by an electrical problem at home, I called NG on the mobile and he talked me through replacing a fuse. Unexpected drama...
I guess I'm also feeling a little funky, his uninitiated contacts are so few, not sure why. It is more that what we used to do pre-A, but I guess having seen the number of calls to OW on our bills, I'm just getting stuck in 'why don't I deserve that kind of attention' groove. I guess I need to earn that kind of attention, huh?
Two more nights that he is away, to try out something different...
Today will be a better day than yesterday. Reasons why I might be feeling less than wonderful:
1. Problem project at work, finally got some breakthrough, goal for today is to finish my part of the report - I know I will feel better once this is out of the way 2. Anxiety over the 2 days that I will be out of town next week, wondering what NG will be up to. I have invited him to come out with me, but he is hawing. Sigh. If I can get thru this week, surely I can cope with a two day separation next week? 3. I think I'm battling flu. Not down yet, but lots of symtoms, feeling less than 100%. NG has been nursing a cold/cough for 3 weeks now... 4. Feeling like I've not had closure on the affair - I know, I should leave well alone. But surely you guys feel this too - the 'why did this happen'... 5. Discord with my mum - we go through this every 6 months or so, things go well, she starts expecting more from me, I pull back, she gets upset, we recover slowly, and the cycle begins. Need to manage her better, but we are talking a totally different set of values
Of course, all this is manifestation of the fact that I no longer find myself able to believe him. And am feeling frustrated with myself for still wanting to believe him, when his recent behaviour indicates that he does not value my trust. It is my limitations that are frustrating me - my inability to develop a relationship with NG that does not have 'trust' at its core. Not quite sure how I can go about enjoying my time with him, without getting hung up on those things which may in fact not be make-or-break issues. 
)