How brilliant of you to at least realize after the fact that it was within your power to have changed the dynamic.
It is easy to forget when we see our H's being self absorbed or thoughtless, that they really do want to be manly men. I know I am guilty of taking some of that away from H because I perceived that I could get things done quicker faster better on my own (prob true). But by doing everything for myself or on my own H didn't feel needed. Now I am trying to let him be in the drivers seat more.
Part of that is also living with the choices and decisions that H makes w/o saying "I told you so." I am talking here about small things, like if H wants to go to a certain restaurant and I think that it will be really crowded, I just keep my mouth shut. If we get there and it is too crowded, then so be it, we will either leave or wait. But then H doesn't have to listen to my litany of "that is too crowded, or that is too far, we have to get up early."
I need some practice on letting go and just living, without having to analyze everything from every angle along the way.
You get it, you get it! Woo hoo! Now that you had that second of clarity, I'm going to bet that you create more opportunities in the future.
I thought of you this morning when mulling over my reaction to a bizarre play I saw last night. It was about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in a personalized setting--where people represented the situation. It was both very disturbing yet funny, and it ended with humor but no conclusions.
Anyway, the character who represents George W. (and yes, he has his Tony Blair counterpart as well) had a really interesting role. They were both funny and their interaction with each other was hilarious. They are called to help "friends"...
All 4 characters are in the apartment and he's watching the 2 representing Israel and Palestine go after each other with a vengeance.
Both sides aim to get what they want... "Israel" to be allowed to have her own space in the apartment they share, for her grandfather used to own the apartment and the family still owns the deed to the place. Since she hates Brutus (Palestine), you imagine she should just leave.
"Palestine" wants her out and for things to go back to the way things used to be. His family hates her, and they are threatening her and taking the offensive to get her out of the apartment. Since he lives there too, he says he's not leaving. He launches into a diatribe about history, implying that some things should never change because of the deep-rooted history--because they've come to learn that their families have been bitter enemies for a very long time.
The George W. knockoff character shouts out loudly, "What good is history if all it does is make you mad and make you hate now?"
Well, the hate part didn't apply to you or anyone else here, but the mad part did. And I'm guilty of this as well.
So the magic question? Why do we continue to let the past interfere with forward movement? I might have to take this to my own thread, you know.
Just a thought provoking comment I felt was pretty powerful. Now, my segue into changing dynamics...
One of the things I finally learned in MC last year was that I do have the power of changing a dynamic... by not doing anything. I was the person who forced and maintained momentum in my R, and it was I who expected him to keep stoking my fire even though I was clued in that he didn't appreciate my expectations.
It took months of just doing absolutely nothing for me to turn things around. I really and truly cannot remember the last time Mr. Wonderful and I had an argument. Since we talk more now than we did when he was living at home, I have to tell you that this is big stuff. And we now talk about really difficult, touchy and emotional topics.
For me, I can now see our recent history as pleasant (decision making notwithstanding). The memory of his leaving me (which in our "history" only spans a very short period) is now replaced with mostly good memories before then and a lot more pleasant ones in the interim.
I think he and I are both very willing to see each other as we are now. And the sum of who we are individually, right now, is a product of all the experiences and lessons we have both brought to the table. I can now see his lesson to me as a very valuable one. How can I hate him for what he's done, when it's so clear that we have both come out of this mess happier?
My point is that we're "creating history" each and every day. I'm sure some of it isn't going to bring smile to anyone's face, but I really and truly see that change is imminent and it CAN be achieved if we just let nature take care of the momentum.
I really and truly see these desires here with you and NG, Slowly.
I hope your weekend is filled with abundance and fondness as you create NEW history.
Now, time for me to workout!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Happy to repprt no major drama over here. Both of us getting back to the work groove, expecting visitors this weekend, ho hum stuff. I'm taking a sabbatical from learning, just for a few days...
Sounds like you are having some promising discoveries. Letting them lead in territories that they were unable to lead in before is really tricky... like having then initiate social gatherings, etc. but it is great that you are no longer filling that part of his dance card. Patience and babysteps... and maybe WOA when he makes a date with auntie... praising his efforts to keep up with family, etc. mentioning how happy it makes her... he might get the message.. Then after you praise him, maybe ask how is grandomther is doing...
With respect to the things he does for OW that he does not do for you... Figure out what each of them may be and then, well, I KNOW we can set a path for that to happen!
What things can you do that will shake the familiar roles that each of you have fallen into? I liked what was said about his ability to try new things with OW or things you would have loved... Well let him meet the new you! What would he be doing? What do you imagine, knowing he loves you, prevents him from expressing himself in that way to you? What would you be doing that would make him want to do those things? And what might you be doing that may send signals to him that you are not open to his behaving that way with you?
I read about this couple that had a game they played. In their case, H was ignoring her charms and was also looking for love (?) in all the wrong places.
One day she got all dressed up and went to a bar. On the way out she seductively teased him and told him "I am going out to the such and such bar and ALL I can tell you is, you better show up and make sure that the man I go home with, is you!"
He arrived later and by the time he arrived she was hanging out and talking to some men.... her h had to "win" her attention and flirt with her and then, well, finally she went home with him. Sounds silly, but she really described it well and it became quite an adventure for them.
Now this is not necessarily what I am suggesting for you. This would absolutely NOT work with my H! But she said it really made her husband feel the thrill of the chase! And he was thrilled that she "chose" him. And she felt like she had found a creative way to shake him up and get her to take notice.
Anyway, I think the emotional gifts that you feel OW was receiving, are there for you, as well. You may have a small list of other signs of interest, caring and concern from that you want from NG. The point is to identify them and discover a way to break out of a pattern so that he may give them to YOU.
He really seems to be responsive to you when you initate in certain areas. We have spoken before about her damsel in distress stuff... we know you do not want to play THAT role but there are other ways to be demonstrative and let him know that he is your hero....
ugh. cannot believe this feminist is putting this stuff out there... sheesh. but
Ya know? The truth is, he could be your knight, your hero, your sweet, sweet snuggling king or whatever it is YOU want. You know how hard it is for men to stop and ask for directions.... give him a map.
Of course, I got the largest bunch of flowers with two boxes of chocolates. No note though. I admit, I was letting my expectations run away with me, and got a little teary because there was no tenderness all day, and no words with the gift. He saw me less than happy and so ...
Uh. I wish I'd read this two days ago. Wow. There's a lot of wisdom over here.
NG, this year it would make me happy if you gave me a gift from your heart. The gift I would cherish most is if you write me something that tells me why I'm special to you.
I, too, yearn for these words. As I learned the hard way this morning, I tend to pout at the unmet expectations of what I think S. should be doing, rather than exalt at the wonderful things he IS doing. Last Val Day we talked about spending it together, and I cooked, and I bought special food, and a present. He had taken me to dinner the night before (not for VD but as something planned before the theater). There was no gift from him - nothing, not even a card. I was devastated. I could NOT understand what he could be thinking. And he simply said he wasn't in the habit of giving gifts on Val Day.
Anyway, Betsey hit it right on the head when she said I was the person who forced and maintained momentum in my R, and it was I who expected him to keep stoking my fire even though I was clued in that he didn't appreciate my expectations.
I'll thowm my lot in with you guys... I'm still learning, too. Me too, me too!
P.S. Forgot to ask: If you can see OW's numbers on NG's cel. phone, can't you see the call history - whether she's called or not? or whether your H is calling her?
I'm not reallllly advocating for snooping, but sometimes it does you good just to see that your fears are unjustified (if indeed they are).
Hi Jen - I forgot to update the board - them numbers are all gone. as of the day I had my meltdown, perhaps just an hour later
Something else I'm learning, NG never, but never, backs down during a 'discussion' - but if my point is valid, he does then take the necessary action - quietly. I now don't labour my point. Mention it once, then move on. It used to be that I wanted closure during the same discussion, and we both end up taking positions we are loathe to back off from. Things are so much simpler now, no protracted arguments, no 'loss of face' - and we seem to be doing more of the right things....
Being a solution 'detective' takes time and the right frame of mind. The ways around issues are all there, just waiting for us to find them
Quote: Something else I'm learning, NG never, but never, backs down during a 'discussion' - but if my point is valid, he does then take the necessary action - quietly. I now don't labour my point. Mention it once, then move on. It used to be that I wanted closure during the same discussion, and we both end up taking positions we are loathe to back off from.
Yes, I am very guilty of this as well. And S. does the very same thing - will not admit my point is valid at the time but quietly will go and act later. Funny enough, my mother used to tell me not to say things over and over - I used to say things repeatedly in arguments, changing the syntax but not the meaning, when I wasn't getting validation. Steamrolling, as it were. Years later, I was still doing it until 5-6 months ago, when I realized S. would stonewall, no matter how liquidy I melted down, and then in his own time, and NOT without saving face, would quietly do whatever, as if it were his own idea all along. I always wondered why he thought I sounded so "condescending" when we argued. It wasn't my tone - it was the repeating the point as if he hadn't understood!
So yes, it's so hard to realize you've been heard when your partner is sitting there staring at you, or arguing, or whatever. It takes a lot of vigilance to say it once and then stop yourself before you say it again (or again...).
NG is off on a week long business trip - this brings back memories of his 'business trips' last year when OW would join him, for at least part of the stay. Yuck. I'm really having a hard time managing my anxiety. I knew this test would happen some time, but boy, I'm so not ready for it... The temptation to ask him if she will be there is so strong, but I know it must not happen. Ugh
) 
Betsey 
