Hi Betsey - We popped out for a pizza dinner and just got back. Strangely, we are a ok 95% of the time. Just the few hours in a week that 'I' choose to rattle his cage. Why do I do this? Part of my personal rationalisation of his A is that things were too predictable and too easy with me. Yeah, I need to change the 'predictable' bit, maybe with a different form mystery, as opposed to driving him into this zone of fear, discomfort and even irritation.

Something that I am struggling with right now is my own expectations of NG. For so many years, I accepted that he is a minimalist, dry, witty fellow, for whom displays of emotion were considered 'wet'. When OW shared with me the things he said and did with her, which were all the things I'd have loved, but thought were beyond NG's scope, it hurt. Still hurts. Why would NG declare that I am his choice, but not accord me the gestures I now know him to be capable of? I tried to broach this with him a couple of months ago, and got slammed down quite hard, that he did not want to have constant comparisons Neither do I, what I'd like is new memories, better ones...
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Honey, I suspect he's feeling all the same fears as you are. If you are adding to them, chances are he's playing out a couple scenarios in his head to hedge his bets. What on earth can you do so that he can feel as though a life without you is not an option?

Holy heck! I have no idea how I stand a snowball's chance in he!! with her! Most of the time, I really feel that we can make it, but she has some stumbling blocks that are making me fearful of us ever staying married to each other. I really wonder if she can ever forgive me so we can just get on with working on being happy? Better start putting myself in a position to make things easier on myself in case that ever happens.


Bingo. It really did not dawn on me till yesterday's discussion that the guy is harbouring serious concerns. His normal posture is one of super-confidence bordering on arrogance, it is not easy to spot the fear. On top of all this, the fact that I am re-connecting with my friends, and that they are responding BIG time, is something that is worrying him. From being fairly reclusive, I'm now socialising with a vengeance. He never used to ask who I spoke with, emailed with etc. Perhaps my 'get a life' has gone too far? Maybe I need to balance it with some reassurances of my own? But would that not defeat the purpose of 'mystery'? At what point does feeling safe in a relationship cross over to being 'boring' and lead to being taken for granted?

On the whole I think we are OK. I'm not yet completely confident that the thing with OW is over, and don't know what NG can do to make me more comfortable - this may be a time thing. We are learning how to communicate with each other, I guess that would be a good description of where we are.

Thanks Betsey for the awesome coaching - I'm enjoying this attention

Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time