Still Learning

[Underdog]

Slowly,

Happy belated birthday! I haven't forgotten you... have just been concentrating on my life away from the computer for awhile.

Your post resonates with me... all the way around. I like what Ellie has to say. We are all human and subject to making mistakes. I think the value in building trust lies when someone hurts us (or we hurt others) and there is a mutual agreement to put it aside in order to rebuild the R once again--in whatever shape that needs to take for both of you to feel good.

I look back on my own life and see that I have had BIG conflicts with the best friends I have now. One of them resulted in a 3 year silence that damn near killed both of us. Yes, we have scars between us. But the beauty of forgiveness is so obvious: that we choose to forgive the sin and choose to love the sinner.

My best friend since childhood is the one who I had a 3 year silent treatment back in our 20s. Our parents are good friends and they were as devastated by our falling out as we were (and neither one of us was budging).

The night before I moved to California, she called me and broke down in tears. "Betsey, I could never let you move to the other coast without telling you how much I love you and miss you." I broke down myself and we began working on our friendship again--with 2400 miles between us rather than 1.

She came out to visit me a year later. We were lying on my bed, and I was still in pain with the guilt for shutting her out (it was MY choice). She, on the other hand, was at peace. And she chose to love me even more. As I was crying, I asked her why she felt that she could forgive me for being so cruel?

She smiled very tenderly and gave me a hug and said,

"Because my life with you in it, in whatever capacity that is, is FAR better than my life without you for any reason."

Slowly, that conversation took place more than 15 years ago and I have not forgotten it. She is a role model in forgiveness for me. She indicated to me that forgiving me was a commitment she made to herself so that she could enjoy our friendship again.

And while she did that, she shared with me that my reason for being so frustrated with her was valid. She wanted us to be friends again and base it on a more adult foundation than the one we had from childhood.

Can you tell yourself those words when you look at NG? Can you put aside all your doubts and fears to see a man who is in your life for a good reason? A man who is making steps toward repairing himself so that you can see him through a different pair of spectacles? Granted, it won't be the same view you had before... but you might just have the chance to see him more clearly because you got a new Rx in those glasses... and more fairly because there is truth between you now?

I think limbo is a pretty crappy place to be. But this reminds me of a conversation I had with DB coach, Laurie, awhile back. I was in limbo because I chose to be there... no matter how awful some choices are, they ARE choices. I can only be stuck somewhere if I choose to remain where I am. Nobody has locked a door to me. If a door is locked, it's only because I have locked it.

So, my dear, where do you want to go with all of this?

Big hugs to a really lovely lady!

Betsey