Happy Monday everyone Just one more week of holiday to go, but I'm feeling that even the past few days have done me the world of good. Feeling a lot more grounded, and comfortable in my own skin.
I mentioned quietly again this morning that we needed to sort out the title of this house to NG. He does not raise any objections, but is not rushing to get the ball rolling either. If nothing happens by Weds, I think I'm going to call the lawyers myself.
Had my LOOONG overdue visit to the dentist last week, cavities are all gone hurrah Some touch up work to be done tomorrow, and I'll be all set with a much more confident smile. The party last Saturday was FAB. Caught up with some wonderful friends, NG seemed to have a good time too, though he was somewhat subdued. This is the first time that I've gone ahead and organised my own party - usually I wait for him to 'surprise' me, but figured after 20 years, it just ain't gonna happen. Might as well make my own fun.
I think he is finally begining to understand what it means not to have me bend over backwards to be helpful. This morning, I got the chequebook out to transfer some money from our business account to my current account, and he wanted to do the same. I wrote out the cheque for both of us, but filled in the pay-in slip for just mine and did the stamped-envelope bit. Now, in the past, he has been quite critical about how I'd addressed his envelope. This time, he waited around for about 5 minutes, then accepted that I was not going to do it, and proceeded to fill in the slip himself. A little grumpy about it, but I just ignored that. As I reflect on the number of ways in which I used to do little and large things, and was not always appreciated, I can kick myself. No more. He needs to ask for it, and then be appreciative.
No major drama. OW's phone numbers are still on his cell program. I guess part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, not making my concerns visible to NG. I know these can turn into walls, but for now, here is my comfort zone. As Pattie says, its time for me.
I guess we do have our moments of doubt and uncertainty. This morning, I woke up feeling it is tough to compete with the dopomine rush of being 'in-love' especially if it is a 'forbidden love' Found solace in my usual reading sources, including some old dbers' threads here. I also came across a quote about long term love being the real miracle, and found myself re-focused.
It is so true, no? The desire to stay in a relationship year in year out must be the true test of our feelings. Even walkaways who hover in their decision must see that the pull back is more than just obligation. Anyways, I wanted to reflect the new thrust of my efforts, hence the changed tag-line.
I saw this on Calystra's Tips thread - what an amazing list. And boy do I have a long way to go Goal for Oct - become proficient at validating. How will I measure this? NG will want to open up and really talk more than he has done in the past.
Quote: Tips on Validation:
*listen *put aside all distractions while they are talking *focus on them if you are in person *let them know that you understand what they are saying by either "i understand" or repeating back what he said to you *validate their feelings by saying things like "i understand why you might feel that way" *don't criticize *don't judge *don't pressure or control *don't use the word "but" at all! *don't ever tell them their feelings are wrong *always try to clearly understand what they are saying and don't make assumptions - ask if you don't understand *don't be self-righteous *don't be their parent *don't blame *don't react selfishly because of the way something makes you feel - it is your choice about how you choose to feel *don't argue *don't interrupt *don't hog the conversation *compliment them on things *encourage them *trust their decisions - don't question them.. their doing what they think is best *be their #1 fan
Slowly, I'm catching up on your new thread and your vacation. It sounds so good to me--not so much about where/how/why NG is at, but in your determination to keep learning and to hold onto yourself. Give yourself a party! Don't bend over backwards (and if you're talking about me, somewhat anxiously) to help....let him articulate and then appreciate. But learn how to validate, from the heart.
I hear you about waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not a success story in that area, am I? The dopamine was just too much for my H, at least for now....he can't think past it. But you have come a long way and for longer, and time, I'm told, does help. Especially if you are making progress with you.
Hi GBO - Thanks for the feedback, its just good to know that I'm not going bonkers slowly I am finding it a little easier everyday, just to get the stop signs out and move on to other things. Of course, I worry that we are drifting apart somewhat, but short of forcing a confrontation, I'm not quite sure what to do.
As always, reading up on wiser dbers' threads helps. Here is something I came across on one of Ellie's older ones, and found much resonance. I guess I'm having trouble opening up, and exposing myself. The 'being vulnerable' if getting tough for me
Quote: SIL asked me yesterday how do you regain that trust. And I realized, trust is really overrated. Of course I'll never really trust my H again. It will always be possible for him to do this again. I will never be naive again. And the trust that I used to have was obviously misplaced, so what value was it really? Just an illusion of security when in real life there is no sure thing.
What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs.
I know trust will take a looong time, so will 'forgiveness' - NG himself tells me he does not know what to feel sorry about, as he does not know why he initiated the affair. I feel a little stuck, and working around issues. In some ways, its as if we are back in limbo land...
That is an excellent commentary and pertains whether we are starting a new relationship with the old H or a new relationship with someone else. I wonder how much of our bad dynamic came about because we never grew up from our teenaged selves in the R (I was 19 when I started with H). And my friends and C think my H is still acting like child in the emotional arena. Which leads me to wonder....do you feel like you and NG are not matched at the moment in the area of expectations and differentiation? Just a thought. And how to work with that if so.
Some touch up work to be done tomorrow, and I'll be all set with a much more confident smile. The party last Saturday was FAB. Caught up with some wonderful friends, NG seemed to have a good time too, though he was somewhat subdued. This is the first time that I've gone ahead and organised my own party - usually I wait for him to 'surprise' me, but figured after 20 years, it just ain't gonna happen. Might as well make my own fun.
Found solace in my usual reading sources, including some old dbers' threads here. I also came across a quote about long term love being the real miracle, and found myself re-focused. 
We can all learn from those who have walked this walk before us.
I am finding it a little easier everyday, just to get the stop signs out and move on to other things. Of course, I worry that we are drifting apart somewhat, but short of forcing a confrontation, I'm not quite sure what to do.