Hi GBO - Thanks for the feedback, its just good to know that I'm not going bonkers slowly I am finding it a little easier everyday, just to get the stop signs out and move on to other things. Of course, I worry that we are drifting apart somewhat, but short of forcing a confrontation, I'm not quite sure what to do.

As always, reading up on wiser dbers' threads helps. Here is something I came across on one of Ellie's older ones, and found much resonance. I guess I'm having trouble opening up, and exposing myself. The 'being vulnerable' if getting tough for me

Quote:

SIL asked me yesterday how do you regain that trust. And I realized, trust is really overrated. Of course I'll never really trust my H again. It will always be possible for him to do this again. I will never be naive again. And the trust that I used to have was obviously misplaced, so what value was it really? Just an illusion of security when in real life there is no sure thing.

What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs.



I know trust will take a looong time, so will 'forgiveness' - NG himself tells me he does not know what to feel sorry about, as he does not know why he initiated the affair. I feel a little stuck, and working around issues. In some ways, its as if we are back in limbo land...

Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time