I have noticed the last couple days that my H will not touch me anywhere other than my back or arms. What's up with that, I want to know.
I have come up with two plausible reasons: 1) He is burning with desire and is afraid to touch me, lest he get caught up in a passionate frenzy and take me way before I get the OK from doctor. 2) He is disgusted by my flabby postpartum body and would rather avoid it until it changes.
Oh wait. I thought of a third: 3) He has no sex drive and therefore no desire to touch me anywhere else because I might get the wrong idea.
Doh! I thought of a fourth: 4) He is too tired to put forth the 'effort' that PT requires.
He is an Acts of Service man and since there is no controversy on the board lately, let me spark some by saying this:
Acts of Service people suck!! What an ineffective way to show love. Isn't LOVE by definition supposed to have something to do with the other person??! I mean, come on, I appreciate the fact that he bathes the kids but does that show love to me? WHY can't I see that this is what he is trying to do?
I am mostly kidding with the above attempt at controversy but there is a kernel of truth there. When I try to show love to him, I am all about HIM at that moment. How in the hell is taking out the garbage about me? Yeah yeah, he's trying to spare me the task (and I do appreciate the gesture don't get me wrong) but it is as much about him liking a clean house as it is about doing something for me. Oh wait, I suppose all love languages are like that..cause I DO get something out of hugging or kissing H.
See, people, if you let me ramble on long enough I eventually answer my own gripes.
My bf is also an Acts of Service person. (I'm a Gift Giver.) I get your point that sometimes the acts are very impersonal and he seems to be doing them as much for him as for you. However, my late husband didn't do anything around the house; EVERYTHING was my responsibility. This was for various reasons, some of which I understood (physical disability), and some of which just pissed me off (depression). It wasn't just that I had to DO everything, I also had to THINK about everything, and PLAN everything. He made me the CEO of our relationship, and the buck stopped with me. I felt like I was always on duty. I didn't like that.
My bf and I have a much more workable arrangement. Even though we have our two houses, we live together in both of them, back and forth. It is a pleasure to live with someone who does take out the garbage without a) being told/begged/nagged, or b) asking the obvious question "do you want me to take the garbage out?" as he is trying in vain to stuff an empty cereal box into the overflowing can.
My bf cleans out the fireplace ashes at the beginning of the fall (which I despise doing), and builds a fire every night that it's cool enough (which, being a pyromaniac at heart, I LOVE to do, but didn't like having to do it every time I wanted a fire). He checks the oil in my car and adds oil when the car needs it (which is often because the car has over 200,000 miles and I drive 80 miles per day round trip into town). He adores mowing my one-acre lawn and even mows the quarter-mile driveway.
When I wash his clothes and fold them from the dryer, he always thanks me, but he doesn't wait for me to wash. Lots of times he goes ahead and does laundry. And, very wisely, he does NOT do my laundry, because (of course) I'm quirky about how it is to be done. He feeds the dog and cats (nine) when he sees they need food.
He picks up stuff at the store and comes home and cooks it. When he shops for groceries, he buys stuff he knows I like-- no one has ever done that for me before. I absolutely feel that deciding what to have for dinner, procuring the supplies, and cooking it is a responsibility we share with complete equality. We cook together and separately (in the kitchen, that is! ) Watching us together in the kitchen is like watching a pas de deux-- we're so well-coordinated. One weekend, I said I always wanted a pantry in one spot in my kitchen, so he got out tools and built the thing in one day! It involved sawing through the wall and removing sheet rock and putting molding around the sides-- It's a little room. Yikes!
So living with someone who didn't do any acts of service has made me really appreciate my acts of service guy! If I had a guy who told me all the time that he loved me, or bought me flowers, but didn't take on any responsibility at home, I'd have a hard time with that. (Anyway, I know you appreciate your H's AoS, too! )
I do have a hard time with his love language but no doubt he has a hard time with mine also.
H liked to take swigs now and then from the tap but wayyyy down the line when the baby was pretty old. Right now, we are both in agreement that the milk is for the babe.
Last night when I got to bed, H was very affectionate with me. I had asked him the night before last to make sure that the affection in our lives wasn't a one way street from me to him. He said he'd work on it. I know that if he gets distracted, I am the first thing to fall off his radar screen. And a new baby is a BIG distraction. But once I remind him, he steps up to the plate. I just hate having to give frequent reminders to pay attention to me!!!
Ahem. Anyway, so I got into bed and he was caressing me, etc, and I sensed that he was getting turned on. He never said anything re: ML but I can tell the difference between sexual and nonsexual touching, regardless of where the touch occurs. I asked if he was getting anxious to get the green light for ML and he replied that he had just started to feel antsy the last 3 days. We went to sleep wrapped up in each other, so nice.
So the baby starts spitting up and choking at about 4:00 a.m. and we both jumped up and got her taken care of. When we laid down again, H reached over and began stroking my leg. Then he moved on to the squeezy bits! We did not ML, we were both too afraid, but we had manual sex. Now, to some, this is no big deal but you have to understand that the last time I gave my H a hj was probably 1996. Or maybe before that, I really can't remember.
He dislikes them for various reasons. The fact that he was allowing himself to lay there and have me do this to him spoke volumes to me about how horny he was. Oh and this was one erection that I did not have to induce..I just about cheered at that.
I am still so surprised that this happened! I'm sure to the HD fellas it seems like no biggie, eh. I am proud of him for letting me into his world even if it is only once every 8-9 yrs, LOL.
I think I'm going to have a hard time waiting until 4 weeks has elapsed but I do intend to do it. Wish me luck!
HP, That's great. Glad to hear he is 'standing up' on his own, and willing to accept a 'helping hand' LOL. Hopefully he takes note of what if feels like to be truely horny so he knows when it is your turn. Out of curiosity more than anything else, did your OBGYN explain why the wait since you said there was no cuts or tears? I bet if you asked, you'd get the green light for as soon as YOU feel up to it.
Virtually all we do is oral (me on him) and manual (him on me or me on me). Regular IC is practically impossible to sustain for any length of time (few minutes at most) before he loses the E... the E is VERY fragile... if I squeeze or move the wrong way, it's gone. Hope that situation improves over time... So... count your blessings.
I did have a bf years ago who had a hard time coming from IC-- there just wasn't enough rough friction. He preferred HJ-- hard rubbing right on the head. I guess MB set this up. I suppose there are some guys in the "pressure" school and some of the "friction" school... Info from guys would be helpful (if you can think about this while at work! )
You know, GGB, I didn't even ask him. Maybe I should call him today. I suppose I am afraid of him saying, "Two and a half weeks? Are ya serious?!"
Besides, at the time it seemed like a fabulous idea and yet this morning I am very glad that we didn't. I still feel a little unready, physically, due to a procedure that I had performed last Saturday, rather than the birth itself.
I was feeling a little unsure this morning how H felt about the whole thing. I emailed him, hinting around (how lame, I know) and he wrote back that this was by far the best recovery period for him. He said the other two were much more traumatic. He has really come so far.
In fact, my thoughts for the day are in regards to:
The Honeymoon Period
I think that, in contemplating repairing our R, I thought that we would work through our problems and that there would be this wonderful hmoon period where we were crazy for each other and loving every minute of our reconnection.
The reality was that, in the time of us drifting apart, SO many resentments had taken hold that it was nearly impossible to even connect at all, let alone with any kind of good Hmoon vibe. It took forever to work through those and I suspect there are still a few lying around in the recesses of my brain..who knows about H's.
But this time I am looking forward to a nice period of reconnection for us.
Now, things will not be perfect..I know that. We really are sexually mismatched (as one other poster put it) but it seems MUCH less insurmountable this time than after D2 was born. Back then, I never thought he would desire me again (he was convinced it was a sin, the lunatic). I never thought I would trust him again. ETC ETC.
There have been so many disappointments but each one paradoxically brings up closer. I was really bummed when he told me that lingerie does nothing for him..it is nothing more than another piece of clothing (remember the So Long, Thong thread, lol). However, now that I know that I can proceed with wearing it if the mood strikes me and will not be disappointed at his lack of reaction. We are finally learning about each other, IOW.
I feel very positive today, but who doesn't the day after they get some action after a loooong drought.
) Watching us together in the kitchen is like watching a pas de deux-- we're so well-coordinated. One weekend, I said I always wanted a pantry in one spot in my kitchen, so he got out tools and built the thing in one day! It involved sawing through the wall and removing sheet rock and putting molding around the sides-- It's a little room. Yikes! 
) 
Regular IC is practically impossible to sustain for any length of time (few minutes at most) before he loses the E... the E is VERY fragile... if I squeeze or move the wrong way, it's gone. Hope that situation improves over time... 