My bf is also an Acts of Service person. (I'm a Gift Giver.) I get your point that sometimes the acts are very impersonal and he seems to be doing them as much for him as for you. However, my late husband didn't do anything around the house; EVERYTHING was my responsibility. This was for various reasons, some of which I understood (physical disability), and some of which just pissed me off (depression). It wasn't just that I had to DO everything, I also had to THINK about everything, and PLAN everything. He made me the CEO of our relationship, and the buck stopped with me. I felt like I was always on duty. I didn't like that.

My bf and I have a much more workable arrangement. Even though we have our two houses, we live together in both of them, back and forth. It is a pleasure to live with someone who does take out the garbage without a) being told/begged/nagged, or b) asking the obvious question "do you want me to take the garbage out?" as he is trying in vain to stuff an empty cereal box into the overflowing can.

My bf cleans out the fireplace ashes at the beginning of the fall (which I despise doing), and builds a fire every night that it's cool enough (which, being a pyromaniac at heart, I LOVE to do, but didn't like having to do it every time I wanted a fire). He checks the oil in my car and adds oil when the car needs it (which is often because the car has over 200,000 miles and I drive 80 miles per day round trip into town). He adores mowing my one-acre lawn and even mows the quarter-mile driveway.

When I wash his clothes and fold them from the dryer, he always thanks me, but he doesn't wait for me to wash. Lots of times he goes ahead and does laundry. And, very wisely, he does NOT do my laundry, because (of course) I'm quirky about how it is to be done. He feeds the dog and cats (nine) when he sees they need food.

He picks up stuff at the store and comes home and cooks it. When he shops for groceries, he buys stuff he knows I like-- no one has ever done that for me before. I absolutely feel that deciding what to have for dinner, procuring the supplies, and cooking it is a responsibility we share with complete equality. We cook together and separately (in the kitchen, that is! ) Watching us together in the kitchen is like watching a pas de deux-- we're so well-coordinated. One weekend, I said I always wanted a pantry in one spot in my kitchen, so he got out tools and built the thing in one day! It involved sawing through the wall and removing sheet rock and putting molding around the sides-- It's a little room. Yikes!

So living with someone who didn't do any acts of service has made me really appreciate my acts of service guy! If I had a guy who told me all the time that he loved me, or bought me flowers, but didn't take on any responsibility at home, I'd have a hard time with that. (Anyway, I know you appreciate your H's AoS, too! )