Give your H a break... he's already doing a lot more around the house than other husbands would when faced with the same situation. Plus, he has told you that he's stressed over the sick kids, probably because sick kids = more work for him to do while you nurse the baby or rest. I'm sure he's overwhelmed and just wants to be left alone at night after he finally lies down.
As a result, couldn't you go snuggle with the baby when you need to have body contact with someone? And, you can talk to babies and they'll always give you an honest answer. *gurgle gurgle, coo coo, burp*
Your H sounds a little like mine, I remember him getting very stressed out when both girls came home and things descended into chaos. I also remember really, really needing a hug and cuddle, and not getting it, and I remember how it felt.
'Fraid I'm not very good at asking for things either, though with H it has to be at a time when things have been pretty calm, I'm in a very good mood and have managed to engage H in some friendly banter first. Then I might be able to slide somthing in sideways without him noticing before it's too late
Any chance you can find someone to watch the older two for a while, to give you and H a chance to be as alone as you can be right now? Your two older ones would probably enjoy getting 'undivided' attention from an adult too, so it would be good for all of you.
Do you have a relative or friend that could come in to help with the housework? I know everyone suggests just letting the house go, and I would have been fine with that, but my H, like yours, gets stressed out over that, and it ended up being better for my sanity to just clean it. H did do stuff too, but it usually ended up making him more stressed out.
I do think it kind of stinks that we moms have to get stretched out and torn up, play cow, deal with hormones, be tired to the point of psycosis, and try to deal with a stressed H.
I guess in the 'old days' that's why all the female relatives piled into the house with a newborn, to take care of the mom. It really is too bad we've lost that sense of community. We can't really expect our Hs to take over all those roles.
Flutie, This is so so true. There is no community of females who descend upon the house when Baby arrives to take care of things until mom is healed. My own mother is an engineer for the government and travels nearly every week. Asking her for help is out of the question. I have people I could ask, but believe me, people are not lining up at your door wanting to help when there are kids blowing chunks inside. LOL They pretty much keep their distance and who can blame them.
Chris, I think you misunderstand that this 'problem' of H's is not due to the kids having the flu--he is like this all the time. I can't help it that I am in need of a hug right now and may seem needy to him--tough sh*t, I say. Sometimes you just gotta step up to the plate and be a man to your wife.
Journey, I was rethinking your 10 minutes suggestion. A couple yrs ago, I suggested that we do 15 minutes a night. We did it for about 3 nights when H put a halt to it saying that he just couldn't commit to it. I was shocked that he would admit, to my face, that he was unwilling to give me 15 min of uninterrupted time.
At the risk of making my H out to be an ogre, let me explain his personality. He is hyperactive and does not slow down until his head hits the pillow. He has a huge workload at his job because he can do the job of two people, so why not take advantage of that. When he gets home he is constantly on the move, sometimes doing household stuff, mostly playing with the kids and tending to them. This is his choice--he wouldn't be able to sit still even if he tried to. He loves to exercise but has a hard time setting boundaries with our children. Last night I was nursing the baby in my room and he was in our master bath. The kids came barreling in wanting to know where he was and he answered them from the bathroom. His voice sounded funny...as if he was on the floor. I instantly asked what he was doing (thought he may have hurt himself) and he said that he was doing pushups!! He was laughing saying that it was the only place he could do it..locked in the crapper, lol. I really don't feel sorry for him, as it is his fault that he sets no boundaries with the kids and they run all over him. Come to think of it....the ONLY person he sets boundaries with is me. I mean, every other person (his parents, his employer, etc) gets whatever they want and he cannot say no to them. I am the only one he feels safe enough to do that with. It is both a compliment and an insult, I guess.
Anyway, he runs himself ragged every day of his life and at the end of the day has nothing left for me. That's why the 15 min thing did not work out. He was bushed and very resentful that he "had" to do this at the end of the day and THEN I might even want sex, too.
Hmm, now this boundary thing is bubbling around in my brain. I think he even enjoys setting the boundary with me, in a forceful fashion, because he is too much of a nincompoop to do it with others.
Oh and Flutie, one more thing: You are correct that I'd rather just clean the house than watch him stress out and have a cow when he gets home. It really is not that huge of a deal, although if it gets to be too much I will have NO problem telling him to do it himself. Plus, in some sick way, it makes me feel like a normal human being...to be doing things that are a part of my usual routine, even though things are in a major transition right now.
It sounds to me that he has a low-level 'mad on' at you.
Is it possible that he is feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated right now?
One thing is for sure, even if this is the third child, he still is feeling the weight of the responsibility - in all the 'guy' ways. Financial, health, figuring out how the hell he is supposed to act or even feel. You are busy, he is confused.
I know this is unfair, but try and eek out a verbal appreciation and acknowledgment of his involvement and help.
Please let me know what you think.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: It sounds to me that he has a low-level 'mad on' at you
I agree with this, but I disagree that HP should validate his lame LD method of expressing his anger by expressing her appreciation for him. He needs to learn that withholding affection and/or sex is never an acceptable way to express your anger in a marriage. He needs to grow some big ones and learn to express his anger verbally. I told my H that if he's feeling overwhelmed by me he needs to just say "bullsh*t" or something similar and appropriate and I will probably just laugh and he'll "win", not giving me a hug is going to make me mad/sad and I'm going to say "bullsh*t" again and again if he persists in that sort of behavior.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I also think that he needs to grow up regarding his behavior, but right this minute, they BOTH have a whole lot on their respective plates, both are stressed, and if HP can defuse the situation with a small effort, then they are better off for now.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I was thinking HP that my H never is able to give me a hug when I most desperately need it...it's as if he is afraid of my neediness and puts up a wall. He does much better at the hugging thing when I don't need him, lol.
I am trying to think of a way that you don't feel so starved at nite. I can see how he would balk at the 10 minute suggestion. How about something that puts it more under his control, like saying, " I need 2 or 3 hugs a day from you right now...it doesn't matter when, but at some point in the day." I realize that it's nowhere near what you want, but I do feel you need to remind him about your being on his list again.
I do think modern culture really makes things hard for new moms. I was reading a book called "The Red Tent" which is a fictional though compelling story about biblical times, and it emphasized how the women would come together in a clannish/tribal way during periods of stress, especially when a baby was born.
I'm hoping H has more time for you over the weekend...hope everyone is feeling better there!
LHJ, did you love The Red Tent? I just adored that book. All of my friends have read it. Reading it was like eating the biggest piece of chocolate cake in the world... so rich... I hated for it to end. In our day when so often other women are seen as competitors, and when overworked, overstressed nuclear families are trapped alone in their homes with no help, the "tribal" way of life seems very appealing. The extended families of the past at least provided for other adults on the premises to help with child care and housekeeping.
NOP, I don't think that, in general, H is mad at me or carries any resentment towards me. I do think that it is my timing rather than what I am asking for that ticks him off. I don't know if he is aware of it but there is still a lot of residual crap going on at bedtime, even though there is no pressure for sex these days. He hates it that the only time of the day that I ask anything of him also happens to be the only time of day in which he allows himself to relax. I think I do this for two reasons: first of all, it truly IS one of the only times where we are alone and a hug or snuggle is feasible. Secondly, I think that it is just the time of day that I prefer to reconnect with him. He will often come to me for a hug earlier in the day and though I hug back, I do not get as much out of it as I'd like. There is no deep connection when I have kids hanging on my pants' legs. Even when the kids are occupado, I just flat out don't get that warm and fuzzy feeling that I get when we are skin-to-skin, in our bed, with no noise and chaos reigning. To him, the bed is for sleeping. So he definitely gets a huge mad-on when I ask anything of him at the moment that he has finally allowed himself to relax and rest.
I told him last night that he hurt my feelings with that "you give me stress and frustration instead of comfort" line and he didn't even remember saying it. Then he went on to tell me that Thursday (the day he said it) was one of the most hectic and busy days at his work that he can remember in a while. In fact, his company was bought out 2 years ago and last week the new company announced a new CEO. One of the first things that this new guy announced was that they are closing down H's building at some point in the future. So he will be out of a job... sometime . (nothing like specifics to help people adjust to traumatic news, eh!)
This was also the second day of him coming home to my lovely new amusement park, Barfland. Then I start in with my usual demands at bedtime. I think he just wanted to scream at that point.
Now I am not letting him off the hook. I still think that he is obligated to give his wife a hug or snuggle if she needs it, and ESPECIALLY if she has asked for it. That is just cruel to put your neck on the line and ask for something from a loved one and get shot down. It sucks!
But it seems that we were both operating in our own worlds o' misery and, in typical fashion, he retreats and needs alone time and I pursue and need physical contact with him. We are a distastrous match in this respect but we do love each other, so on we go.
Quote: in typical fashion, he retreats and needs alone time
I've decided that there is a word for this type of behavior and the word is "sulking". The best way to handle a "sulky" adult is the same as the best way to handle a sulky child. Inform him that sulking is not acceptable behavior and let him see that your world can and will continue to spin happily on it's axis without him. Here is how I would handle the sich you described. I would say to my H "I am really feeling stressed out and down because it's been a rough day. I wish that I could count on you for a hug when I feel like this but you are obviously not emotionally available. I feel like you should be a bit more mature and try to recognize and express the love and affection I know that you feel for me rather than feeling sulky and resentful. How would you feel if the planet exploded and the last interaction between us was you refusing to hug me? I can't believe that this type of behavior is good for your self-image and tolerating it certainly isn't good for mine. That said, I still feel the need for some human contact and affection so I am going to call my Great Aunt Ethel in the nursing home and tell her all about the new baby because by being kind to her I will feel good about myself and balance the level of kindness in the universe that you just reduced with your unkind behavior towards me.". Then I would call Aunt Ethel AND leave him alone in bed while enjoying a "chick flick" on cable (starring a guy who looks remarkably like Hank) and a nice cup of diet cocoa, maybe two!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
