Quote: Is there a way to ask for what you want that leaves both partners feeling satisfied with the results?
With my W, she asks for what she wants (e.g. an apology); I give it to her, and then she says it means nothing because she had to ask for it. With me, I ask for it (e.g. ML); she says no, and then I get frustrated.
More hormonal ramblings from a sleep deprived, sore and sick momma:
Last night I was laying in bed and happened to glance up and saw a photo of myself and H and our (then) two girls. This was when D2 was about 6 mos old and we had just started to repair things between us. We looked happy and healthy. Instead of smiling fondly on the memory of that day, I found myself gripped with fear. Fear because I realized that, soon enough, we will be those people again, albeit with three little girls now. While I griped to no end about his lack of desire during pregnancy, at least there was a REASON for it then.
Soon enough, we will be back to "I don't know" as his reason for why he does not desire me. I am fearful of going back to this place with him. Now, it aint all bad..our frequency was quite high back then and the sex is always satisfying. It was not creative or romantic but satisfying. Sometimes it was even passionate.
But it was a struggle. Not every single time, but the struggle element just never left. It never became "easy". I was afraid to stop being the Guard of All Things Sexual and H could not--or would not--ever take up the slack himself. He relied on me to keep us on track.
The fear I felt last night was in pondering my return to being the Guard.
Also there is a little mental adjusting going on as I look at myself and know how far I have to go before he will even be remotely turned on by me. I am so envious of the women out there whose husbands have desire for them that is not dependent on everything under the sun, including what they look like. I'm sure my H sounds very shallow...he really isn't; he just needs that stimulation to perform at the level that I want him to. So it isn't all him; I have my own contributions. Right now I am leaky and sore and overweight. Not only did he not notice or care that I attempted to look nice yesterday but he literally shunned any attempt by me to get physically close to him last night.
I don't know why I am focused on this now; my mood has tanked. Probably just tired and worn out from kids' throwing up. You'd think that I wouldn't have an extra thought for this crap in light of the fact that I smell like puke (oh yeah I forgot to add that to my list of Reasons Why I am Undesirable), but I do.
I think when I get stressed and overwhelmed I crave my H's touch and reassurance that it will all end soon and that I am going to make it through. He craves solitude and wants me to leave him alone. In that respect, we are a very very bad match for each other.
HoneyP, who needs a good joke like the one TonyP posted yesterday.
HP, I think that you hit yhe nail on the head with fatigue, sleep deprivation, flu, stress, hormonal swings, post partum depression, etc., etc. You are bound to feel a letdown right now and that might continue for a bit until a routine establishes itself.
I understand completely the need to be held especially when having emotions grip you with their deadly hold. FWIW, you have made great strides while very preggers. Let things calm down and sort themselves out before thinking about all of the "what ifs?" Give yourself time to adjust to being a woman again, not just a Mommy. It will take the H time to see you as a woman again, too.
Quote: Is there a way to ask for what you want that leaves both partners feeling satisfied with the results?
Im my opinion, the way to do it is to remove all the "quid pro quo". I am not willing to do a single thing to get my H to have sex with me that does not have to do with sex directly, therefore he does not have any positive reinforcements for sex besides sex. Of course, it's impossible to remove all negative reinforcements because I will have sex with someone else eventually if he doesn't have sex with me and he knows this, but I have tried to remove as much negative reinforcement as possible by making it clear that I will try very hard to do nothing that will make him unhappy if he doesn't want to have sex with me besides having sex with someone else (I won't throw a fit or make his relationship with the kids difficult or make him feel bad about having a low sex drive etc.). Therefore, the only reasons he can choose to have sex with me are because he wants to have sex with me or he simply doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else. IMO wanting to have sex with me or choosing to have sex with me so that I won't have sex with anyone else are so emotionally close, I don't care which is true and I doubt he could even distinguish between these motivators himself. Therefore, I am happy with the results when I ask for what I want (sex) and my H is happy with the results because he has no choice except to be happy with the results if he wants to be in a relationship with me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Not only did he not notice or care that I attempted to look nice yesterday but he literally shunned any attempt by me to get physically close to him last night.
IMO your H is acting very Mr. Wilson-like. He knows that you really need him now, so he is free to be jerky with no consequences. I'm not saying this is conscious jerkiness, but it still sux.
I think you should bundle up baby and her sisters, put on your sexy jeans and go out in the world in search of positive stranger reinforcement. I'm sure you will find at least one kind soul who will say "That can't be your baby! You look way too good to have given birth so recently."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You are allowed to feel sad that you didn't get that hug that you really, really needed. Try not to personalize it--- you are just two very different people in this regard. FWIW, I am more of a hugger and H is not ( surprise, surprise) and we made up times in the day for that kind of connection. Your life is so hectic now; schedule in 10 min of connection time with H each day.
You have a lot going on and things will eventually calm down for both of you. I don't have a joke to amuse you with but I did have this weirdo dream last nite: My sis-in-law was showing me picutres of me and I said to her, "That's not me, that's a mannequin." So we look at the set of pictures closely and both agree that it's a "dummy" me, and as we go through them, we see a hand, and the next set of pictures shows it's George Bush---he is manipulating dummy me. I am really not into politics too much so it is really bizarre. Maybe AtlDave's C can figure it out...
Thank you guys. I do know that my hormones are getting the best of me. Trying to stay on top of these damn things is hard work!
Jenny, Yep I already had strangers say Wow you look great for having a 10 day old baby. Etc. H will not say anything complimentary to me, though, and I don't know why it is eating me so bad. Probably for the reasons listed above in JoJo's post. He did ask last night if I had jaundice cause my skin and face were looking "pretty", lol. What a charmer.
I do realize that H is stressed. He hates it when things go to crap around here and they certainly have done just that, this week. He feels helpless to help me so he basically ignores me and dives into "fix it man" who is going to get things ship shape, since there's nothing else he can do. There are, of course, other things he can do but THOSE things make HIM feel stressed and frustrated so he avoids them.
Btw, JJ, I wasn't talking about asking for sex necessarily. Just asking for ANYTHING that you need in the relationship. Specifically, I was thinking of asking him to be a little more sensitive and aware of my emotions these days and my needs as not only the mother of his kids, but as his wife. I am slowly making the transition from pregnant lady to mom of three. I need him to remember that even though I look different (and have for a while) that I am the same person inside. I still needed his physical touch while pg, and I still need it while recovering, although in a different form. Why this man continues to misunderstand what I need from him is beyond me.
Ok, enough complaining. Off to give kids a bath and clean this house o' mine.
Sometimes the house needs to go to he!! because you need to take care of yourself and the babe first. Right now you can't be everything to everybody so slow down and give yourself a break. This is not the time to be a perfectionist, but a realist. Gees, you gav birth two weeks ago and you need some much needed sleep.
I remember what it was like when I had my kids, and obviously Oblivious Deadpants isn't their father.... LOL
Do what you can and ignore the rest for a few weeks. It'll still be there for you when you get your physical and emotional strength back.... And if not, you ain't that far away of a drive away.....
