More hormonal ramblings from a sleep deprived, sore and sick momma:

Last night I was laying in bed and happened to glance up and saw a photo of myself and H and our (then) two girls. This was when D2 was about 6 mos old and we had just started to repair things between us. We looked happy and healthy.
Instead of smiling fondly on the memory of that day, I found myself gripped with fear.
Fear because I realized that, soon enough, we will be those people again, albeit with three little girls now. While I griped to no end about his lack of desire during pregnancy, at least there was a REASON for it then.

Soon enough, we will be back to "I don't know" as his reason for why he does not desire me. I am fearful of going back to this place with him. Now, it aint all bad..our frequency was quite high back then and the sex is always satisfying. It was not creative or romantic but satisfying. Sometimes it was even passionate.

But it was a struggle. Not every single time, but the struggle element just never left. It never became "easy". I was afraid to stop being the Guard of All Things Sexual and H could not--or would not--ever take up the slack himself. He relied on me to keep us on track.

The fear I felt last night was in pondering my return to being the Guard.

Also there is a little mental adjusting going on as I look at myself and know how far I have to go before he will even be remotely turned on by me. I am so envious of the women out there whose husbands have desire for them that is not dependent on everything under the sun, including what they look like. I'm sure my H sounds very shallow...he really isn't; he just needs that stimulation to perform at the level that I want him to. So it isn't all him; I have my own contributions. Right now I am leaky and sore and overweight. Not only did he not notice or care that I attempted to look nice yesterday but he literally shunned any attempt by me to get physically close to him last night.

I don't know why I am focused on this now; my mood has tanked. Probably just tired and worn out from kids' throwing up. You'd think that I wouldn't have an extra thought for this crap in light of the fact that I smell like puke (oh yeah I forgot to add that to my list of Reasons Why I am Undesirable), but I do.

I think when I get stressed and overwhelmed I crave my H's touch and reassurance that it will all end soon and that I am going to make it through. He craves solitude and wants me to leave him alone.
In that respect, we are a very very bad match for each other.

HoneyP, who needs a good joke like the one TonyP posted yesterday.