Ya know HP, I don't know why you are drawn to LD men but I do believe that you have the H you do for a reason-- in some way, he provides a balance for you. The trick is to appreciate those traits in him even when those very things drive you crazy!
I remember AtlDave posting once about his aloof, b!tchy wife and then recognizing and thanking her for her stability.
I am recognizing these personality differences in my own marriage and how they relate to our sex life( have just posted something about this). The funny thing is, our kids don't really represent a "blend" of the two of us which would have been a nice thing...my D is more like H and my S is more like me. It will be interesting to see whom they choose for partners when the time comes.
Just a quick response to your HD/HD query: I don't think HDs relate to sexual expectations as pressure, but as opportunities. I could be way off here, but I just can't imagine a HD saying, "I feel pressured to do what I love to do most."
Quote: I originally was pondering these thoughts, wondering what it is about an LD man that I am attracted to
I've decided that I'm not at all attracted to LD men any more. When my H shows any sign of LD behavior, the adjective that now comes to my mind is "peevish" and I pretty much treat him the same way that I treat my kids when they whine. The few times lately that he's started behaving this way, I have been the opposite of understanding. I absolutely refuse to compromise. He understands what I want from a relationship and he has promised to do his best to provide it. If he decides that he doesn't want to be respectful, affectionate and frequently sexual, he is free to leave and I will find myself a man who knows on which side his bread is buttered.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, There is nothing attractive about H's LD right now but at some point long ago there must have been a personality trait that appealed to me. He was not LD in the first yrs of our marriage (about 1.5) but in hindsight he didn't have the typical HD guy characteristics either. I'm generalizing here but he was never grabby or handsy, always respectful and polite. He was not aggressive with his sexuality although he definitely loved sex and was very disappointed if a day went by and we did not ML. Here is the really telling part: I loved the fact that H was 'wowed' by me. An HD man would have loved my sex drive but the wow factor would have been gone..he would have a whole bag of tricks of his own and sexual confidence to spare and no need to be in awe. In the early days of our relationship I was definitely the pursuer, the dominant force and H sat back with a contented grin on his face and completely besotted with sex with me. But............that all begins to fade (for the soon-to-be LD partner that is) and the dynamic of being in awe of someone loses its luster, I imagine.
The whole thing sounds pretty stupid in hindsight. It appears that I was very other validated and loved the feeling of blowing his doors off more than I loved the actual sexual dynamics between us. I think that I still crave this validation from him. I still want to blow his doors off but it is increasingly hard to do this over the years. He is accustomed to my body, my sexual moves, etc. Nowadays blowing his doors off is more of a physical release thing rather than a complete mind/body experience. Sometimes we reach that level but not often. NOP mentioned one time that when H's role as provider slows down and he is not so consumed with being a dad and career man that he will naturally gravitate back towards me. I hope so.
What I am trying to say here is that the dynamics between us have as much to do with me as with him. It is easy to pull a Cemar and gripe about his bait and switch but it appears that there is something that I am intentionally choosing in partners and I need to address that, I reckon. I do feel sexy of my own accord, regardless of whether he is fawning all over me (which never ever happens), but I have lost the will to be the pursuer and aggressive one that blows doors off. I want to be pursued now and am disappointed when that doesn't happen. Is this fair of me? Hardly. It's what I signed up for.
I think that we all are stupid when we get married...we really don't have insight into what we are responding to, who we are, who the other person is, what marriage involves, etc. And to add to that, we go through individual changes and have different needs at different times.
I am speculating that if I did remarry, it would be to someone who would have to fit a set of criteria based on some negative experiences with H. I would put a lot of time and care into thinking things through, looking for certain characteristics, and prob marry someone exactly the opposite of H,lol. But the statistics are bad for second marriages as well, so it all goes back to appreciating what you have and making the most of it.
I loved what you said earlier about H balancing me. That is right on target. Actually, we both balance each other in almost every area of our marriage. I wish it were easier to accept that I am the higher drive spouse and that this 'balancing' isn't anything personal.
I think that I would have a much easier time accepting his drive if he were more aggressive and sexual during the times that we do ML. The fact that it comes from his physical need for release, as well as a desire to "please me" and not from a place of lust and desire makes it less enjoyable for me. The disappointment I feel when H does not notice my attempts to seduce him is so REAL that when he finally does come to me I often feel like saying, Oh forget it; I want to be more than a sperm receptacle--I want you to want me.
But now I am digressing into Cheap Trick lyrics so I will go tend the baby.
Honey, who actually has on a pair of JEANS, people!! Ok, so they are several sizes larger than my normal 6's but who gives a flyin leap...it's been a long time since I had drawers on that didn't have a stretchy panel instead of a zipper.
Yeah, wearing jeans and singing Cheap Trick. You're getting back to normal, HP.
Here's some fun for you:
Quote: You Know You're From St. Louis When... You love toasted ravioli with your Budweiser. You can find Pestalozzi Street by aroma alone. You still can't believe the Arena is gone. Your non-St. Louisan friends always ask if you're aware there is no "r" in "wash." You know at least one person who's gotten hurt at Johnson Shut-ins. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football. You think the four major food groups are Beef, Pork, Budweiser and Imo's. You know there are really only three salad dressings: Imo's, Zia's and Rich and Charlie's. It just doesn't seem like a wedding without mostaciolli. AND YOU PRONOUNCE IT 'MUSKACHOLLI'. You listen to Mike on KMOX and wonder what game Mike Shanahan is watching. A tear forms in your eye as someone mentions their favorite Jack Buck story. Or why Harry Carry was forced to flee St Louis for Chicago. Your favorite summer treat is handed to you upside-down You bleed Blue between September and May. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from St. Louis.
Hairydog, This was too funny! Yep, I got all those jokes and was even nodding my head at a few (the Johnson's shut-ins one for sure!) with the only notable exception being that I think Budweiser tastes like sh*t.
Yes I am starting to feel like myself, mentally. Physically I am having a bit of a setback and am a bit depressed about that..
However, last night I had a dream that was very interesting. I was in a Mexican restaurant and the owner of the place came to our table to ask how everything was. I replied that it was delicious. This big beefy Latino fella replied back, "I'm glad you are enjoying your meal. If there's anything I can do for you, let me know." Now this doesn't read sexy but in my dream it was hot..he was boring holes in me with his eyes and all those other romance novel cliches. Next thing I know, I am in a room alone with this man (guess H was back at the table enjoying his chimichanga, LOL) and he was sitting in a chair and I was standing over him, straddling his legs. It was clear we were having sex, although we never came into contact! I think my brain is protecting my sore squeezy bits from anymore trauma. It was very satisfying in my dream and the fact that he was not touching me did not seem weird at all. I wonder if contact with my nether regions will ever sound normal again...? I'm sure it will, but what a strange concept these days!
Thanks for the laugh, Hairy, you always seem to know when I need one.
Honey, who is trying not to set herself up for a fall when H does not notice or comment on the jeans.
