Today is my first day home alone with the kids and I am feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed, mostly just because I am out of the routine of attending to their every need. H has fulfilled that role for a week and a half now and I must say that I have enjoyed my vacation! He was saying this past weekend that he was ready to go back to work (in a joking way) due to their incessant demands and the complete and utter lack of alone time when you are the caregiving parent.
The dynamic between us is a lot like Journey's situation..2 LD people living together and coexisting peacefully, if without excitement of any kind.
This has been a good exercise for me to feel this way. VERY eye opening to get in bed at night and feel like reading or talking but the thought of ML to him is just the furthest thing from my mind. And, yet, while feeling like this I still feel overwhelming love for him so I guess (insert my best begrudging voice) I should at last believe him when he says his love is as fierce and strong as any man's for his bride, but that his sex drive just isn't.
I have NO physical urge for sex but it is an intriguing idea at this point. I think if he set the stage perfectly, my curiosity would be piqued. Would I actually WANT it, then? I don't know...I would certainly enjoy the attention and flattery but I suspect that it would take intense physical stimulation to get me anywhere near desire. I relate this not because I am at all alarmed (after all, I am only 8 days postpartum!) but just to journal the weird feelings I am now having as a member of the Other Side.
H has been very attentive and noticing me but I swear as the clock started ticking this weekend...and his back-to-work date got closer and closer, I could see and feel his connection to me evaporating. Stress and dread were taking over what was formerly love and attention (even sexually noticing me!) towards me. It seems that he is only capable of processing ONE large emotion at a time...?
One other thing of note is that we are both drawing towards each other in a "futuristic" kind of way. We decided that in lieu of getting each other Christmas gifts (hey we live off one income, we have to start planning Xmas early around here..:) we will save for a weekend getaway trip instead. We have done this in the past and it was nice. (no sex, but hey who's holding a grudge) He was so excited about the thought of this. Now, we will have our baby with us so it won't count as complete couple time but they are pretty portable in the early months so I am not concerned about that. What is noteworthy is how excited we both were at the prospect of being able to reconnect with each other as adults and lovers. Cause he most certainly knows by now that there will be no more romantic weekend getaways without sex..that last one about did us in. Anyway, we were excitedly talking about where we should go and what to do, etc. It was clear that he has missed me far more than I missed him, during this pregnancy. Probably because I never considered myself GONE!
One thing his attentions this last week have done is to make me feel self conscious about my weight. Not too bad but enough to where I have felt the need to make self-disparaging remarks in some sort of weak attempt to get him to prop me up. It is silly, I know, but when you are a woman who is married to an LDH who is affected by your weight it is a hard thing to keep your head on straight. Still yet, I will do as I did with the others...lose it sensibly and keep it off. I remember quite well the same feelings of panic after I had D2--the thought of "Is he disgusted by how I look?" etc. So that will be a challenge for me the next few months to not become obssessed on this one aspect of myself and place so much emphasis on it that I drive myself batty. I am not 100% responsible for his sex drive. That will be my mantra, lol.
Well these are just the ramblings of a sleep-deprived new mother. Some journaling, some goals, but mostly just rambles.
