It has been a long time since i posted, but i think i need to get some stuff out of my head. It has been one year and one month since H left and 8 months or so since he returned to our M.
On the home front things 'appear' good. H and i are together and moving forward, but i don't know if i really am.
I fought so very hard to recover this M. I applied Dbusting and it worked, but now i often wonder if it is what i want. H is trying so very hard to make this M work. He has done everything i have asked him to do and then some. He has come so far personally and i think it's great and i'm proud of him for doing it, but........
I find myself in a strange place. I think i might be getting a touch of WAS syndrome. Is this because of the walls i have built myself, the distance and detachment from the M i put there inorder not to be hurt? I rarely find myself looking at my H and think 'what a good looking man, i just want him!!', i used to feel this all the time. Now i don't think this about any man. Sure when we have sex, it is great, but rarely do i feel the like i can be bothered! I know that i have love for my H, but what does that mean?
Right now, I'm living in a different state to my H, because of work (I'm in the navy and currently on a ship which is away alot), I love to go home and do often infact every chance i get which has been at least once a month but mostly just for a couple of days. But i look forward to seeing my dog more than H! We talk via email and phone a lot, but we run out of things to say on the phone, whereas i can talk to my sister and friends for hours! What does this mean?
I don't really miss him, but at the same time i do! The frustration of it all. Poor H is trying everything, and i think that he believes that he is in danger of losing me. He has even reading relationship resue and other books, which is very different of him, but still this does nothing for me.
He has no danger of me leaving him, i just wouldn't do that, but i think we are in danger of spending out lives in an R that just isn't very fulfilling for either of us. Again i think this might be my fault, i just don't know how to let down these walls and trust. I don't know how to feel the love he is giving (H shows love by buying presents) I wish that he could comfort me, but he just isn't able to and nothing that he does seems to be enough for me. But it is almost as if i don't need him, well i don't but i do want him and i want to have a great marriage with him. I know we could have this, if only i could find the key to my discontent. Where do it come from?
I recognise that he is doing what he can or at least what he thinks is needed to make me feel secure, he even wants us to start an reconnect financially (we have been financially independant since he left and have maintained that since his return). It makes me feel uncomfortable when he talks about this, but i don't know why.
Is my fear of being hurt holding me back? Is it because we just didn't have time to reconnect properly before i had to leave with work? I just don't know and i wish some one could give me the answers.
I have tried goals, which worked so very well for me when we were sep. and yes they still work well for me professionally and in my personal goals, but not in my R goals.
How is it that i could apply dbing so well to myself, but now that i have an R again i can't apply it to that????? Dbing saved me when he left, but now i need to find a way to save us now that we're back together.
I really do think that i'm so very distant from him, i don't even know what to get him for an anniversary gift, i have no idea of what would show him that i love him and make him feel that love..... but then i don't know of anything that he could get me that would convey that to me.
I just feel a little lost in the whole thing.
We are moving at the end of this year. I will be shore posted and H is moving to join me. I am hoping that this will be a chance for us to have a new beginning. A new house with no bad memories, a new place where, although i have many friends, we will be forced almost to spend time together. a new position ofr me that will mean i will have the time to give my R and H the time they deserve.
But i don't want to wait, i'm sick of being patient and waiting for things to get better, i want them to be better now. I want to feel love for my H, i want us to never run out of things to say, i want there to be passion between us always. I want to know what i have to do in order to get this!!!!
ARRGGG I just don't know what to do to move forward on a more intimate and deep level. As i said, on the surface all looks well and it sort of is, but for me deep inside, it isn't and i think that H would be shocked at my level of discontent, even as I am shocked by it.
