I have been working on taking my problems, cares, and concerns to God.
Updates: Violence errupted at S15's school last Wed. He was not physically hurt, but the whole community has been emotionally wounded.
H was not home for T-giving, as he was still in Brazil. But he "surprised" us by showing up unexpectedly last Saturday.
Slowly but surely we are re-connecting but the pace is maddening.
Recent revelations have allowed me to discover several hurtful things. One being that he continues to support ow financially. He sent her $ even after we returned from China. He always says it is the last time, but it never is.
When he went to Europe back in September, he had ow fly from Brazil to meet him there. This is extremely hurtful to me as he never, in 15 years, took me there, and the last 8 years he has been going 2x a year.
It also sucks because $ is very tight and this was an expense we could not afford.
My grandpa is now in a nursing home after his stroke.
My brother and I had a huge blowup fight on Sunday. He does not respect or understand my standing for my marriage or belieiving it will be restored.
Positives- To the best of my knowledge H stayed in a hotel the last time he was in Brazil, rather than with ow.
?H says that the $ he spent on taking ow to Europe was a cheap way to find out that he couldn't live with her 24/7.
H came to church with us this past Sunday.
S15 was not physcically hurt during recent school violence.
Today my financial planner is coming to pay me a visit and taking me out to lunch (just business). I am a big girl and can do this w/o H having to be involved.
Tomorrow is a fun day in Chicago, shopping and lunching with 2 gal pals.
I am still trying to be positive and upbeat, not always easy in the midst of this storm.
I am reading a book called Every Heart Restored, which is about a wife's healing in the light of her H's sexual sin (has more to do w/ the effects of porn , but does also apply to an A).
The revelation I got from reading is that certain emotions such as love, forgiveness, and committment can exist in a vacuum, meaning that they can be one sided. But trust can only be in relationship. I can only trust H when he is being trustworthy.
Reading that, it makes perfect sense, but I had been beating myself up because I would keep trying to trust H and keep being disappointed.
Now I know that I don't have to trust him until he proves himself trustworthy.
