Pam, you sound like you are in a good place, uncomfortable, yes, but a place where you know what you know and you know what you can and cannot do.
You know that he is not as into the OW as he used to be, and gaining momentum out of the R with her. You know that she can't hold a candle to you in terms of stability and maturity and 99 other things. You know he is down there, but you don't know if he is getting closure or not. That is OK, bc if he isn't, this is nothing you can close yourself.
You know that your conduct and attitude helps out your sitch. He has to do the work of getting his brain back and getting his stuff together without you, because you want to be legitimately in his heart, not wrangling in there. Sometimes I want to know all the grossness of my H's actions- is he sleeping wtih someone, flirting with someone, or contemplating it all? I am tempted to snoop, but what would it get me? bitter, angry, mean, jealous, crazy insanity. I think I will just take today, and what I know today, as that is about all I can handle. I will hang in and believe that G has a spectaclar plan for me, much better than I could have made for myself. Is that too hokey?
Take care and treat yourself nicely while he is gone! Anne
I finally went to the doctor last Friday after feeling like I wasn't getting any better. I was just tired, abnormally so, and when I would lay down esp. I just felt like I couldn't breathe. Turns out that I have bronchitis, so at least now I have medicine to take and I am finally starting to feel better.
H had been feeling icky too, although his discomfort was more intestinal in nature. But the doctor did give him antibiotics as well. He came Friday afternoon to pick up the boys. I was taking a nap in the guestroom, so H went and took a nap in our bedroom. We both woke up around 6pm when the phone rang.
I ended up making dinner for all of us before they left. It was nice and comforting to eat together as a family, I miss that.
They left around 7:30, S15 also took a friend with him.
I took it easy all weekend, never even got out of my jammies on Saturday.
When I spoke to the boys Sat night their dad was making dinner for them. I was blessed by that. He does a mean breakfast but his dinner repetoire is painfully small. When he is by himself he always, and I do mean always, eats out. Not too pretty on the credit card either.
H told me Sunday am that he would be bringing the boys back around 10:30 before he had to leave to go to the airport to go back to Brazil. So I ended up going to 9am church so I could see H and say goodbye to him. 10:30 is my preferred service these days, but I think it would have been way too cavalier to blow him off by not saying goodbye personally.
I did do a small 180 in here.
I made plans to go with friends to brunch after church. So when H came to drop off the boys I told him, "I just want to say goodbye, no tears." H - You mean you want me to leave right away, my flight isn't until 3. Me - No I am leaving to go to brunch with_____.
So it was sort of an interesting dynamic in that he walked me to my car and said goodbye to me, not vice versa.
He kissed me several times and said ILY, after one kiss he said "I could take about a thousand more of those." So that was nice. He also hadn't been automatically saying ILY as of late so it was nice to hear it before he left.
All in all it was a plesant goodbye - no crying, weeping or gnashing of teeth.
He will be arriving in Brazil this am.
I am planning on being gracious and loving. Not pumping him for info on his whereabouts. If he is staying in a hotel he will tell me, otherwise I can prob ASSume he is at the ow house.
Hard to believe that a year ago this month - almost to the day I think- I was making this trip with him.
Just goes to show that they cannot be forced out of an A or their MLC, it has to come to its natural conclusion. What a hard hard lesson that has been.
Sounds like a very healthy exchange (bronchitis notwithstanding!). I loved that you left before he did - it was probably a little deflating for him, but showed your strength and GAL attitude...
I'm guessing it'll be hard not to wonder where he is and what he is doing and with whom - what can you do that's extra special this week to keep your mind occupied with other things? To treat yourself well?
I am glad that you thought it was a good exchange, I thought so too.
H called this am from the airport in Brazil. Without any prompting or questions from me he said that he was on his way to the hotel to take a shower. If he was going to ow's then I don't think he would have volunteered that info. It has been his usual modus operandi not to lie but just not to say the real truth, if that makes any sense. ie. He wouldn't lie and say he was going to a hotel if he wasn't, he just wouldn't say where he was going.
I am not sure what it is, but in some ways it is harder now to deal with him being there when I have these darn expectations. When I knew that he was there with her, but he and I were not "together" it didn't bother me as much.
I am going to have plenty of GAL time. Maybe even 3 or more weeks. It is quite possible that H may need to go to NYC straight from Brazil and thereby wouldn't be home until the 10th or so of Dec.
Right now I am still putting my house and life back in order from being gone.
Today I had lunch with the editor of the small magazine that I am writing for...
My short term goal is no ow talk, no questions, just be light breezy irresisitable me.
As I am writing this I just got a phone call from my aunt. She is on her way to FL, as my grandpa just had a stroke. Depending on how he is when she gets there, there may be a trip to FL in my future.
Hi Pam - Bronchitis, Granpa's stroke - oh what a lot to deal with, even without the speculation about H. Lunch with the editor can be so easy to overlook; please remember to celebrate Pam-moments
Very proud of H calling you with an update - he does seem to understand what you need to hear. Keep on being light and breezy, my friend, the contrast with ow will not be missed.
I have been awake since 3am, busy thinking about what I am thinking about.
I finally got out of bed at 4:15, the earliest that I could actually justify making coffee.
I had all sorts of plans in my head for what I was going to write to each of you.
I know that I have mentioned more than a few times the daily e mail from www.rejoiceministries.com It has been a lifesaver to me many times.
Well lo and behold the subject of today's e mail was using the internet.
The following is a brief excerpt from today's e-mail. I do not have official permission to re-print it, but I will beg their forgiveness if I am doing something wrong, as I am sure that they would agree with the spirit of my intentions.
Quote: "Charlyne and I are brokenhearted over the effect the Internet is having on some who claim they are standing for their marriage, yet putting God second to their computer. Have you spent as much time in the Bible as you have spent on the Internet this past week? Have you prayed as much as you have posted prayer requests? Have you told God as much about what is happening as you have told others? When a crisis comes today, will you run to the keyboard or to the King of Kings?"
It may not speak to any one of you, but it spoke to me in a powerful way this morning.
I love you all and value your opinions, but I once again need to get MY priorities straight. And I respect the fact that we may not all have the same priorities.
I didn't sleep well last night either. H got up at 4:30 to leave for work and I've been up ever since!!
I receive the emails for Rejoice Ministries and that email spoke to me also:
Quote: Have you told God as much about what is happening as you have told others
Which is why I don't post as often, I found I was running here for answers when the Lord is the only one with the answers.
Quote: You see, I was sensing the same conviction that your prodigal spouse should be sensing, if your prayer life and walk with the Lord is as it should be. They may be resisting, and you may not even be aware of it happening. It took a long while, crisis after crisis, almost a promise of a plane crash, and even coming face to face with three visible demons in my bedroom, for me to do what the Lord desired. Yes, I had my own "free will" as people are reminding you, but it would take a book to share all the ways God used to bring my free will into alignment with His will for my life.
This is awesome, prayers do work and eventually, well for most, the Lord will get their attention.
I started to receive the emails from the rejoice folk. There's usually some sound food for thought. Good to get rid of any anger, isn't it? Focus on what to be thankful for this weekend.
I hope you have a peaceful and joyous Thanksgiving weekend!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Depending on how he is when she gets there, there may be a trip to FL in my future.
