Quote: I am going to tell H today that if he really wants me to be involved in the business and needs my cooperation on some things, then I am going to need to sit down with the CFO of his company and discuss all of this in detail. I am going to need to hear all of the options and all of the possible outcomes. (And I want to hear it from someone less biased than H, but I am NOT going to say that to H).
I think this sounds like an excellent idea.
Hope the game goes well today.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam, just got here to say good morning, and read this post...I just wanted to say I think you're on the right track about talking to the cfo before signing financial papers.
I'm finding it is a long and very tricky process of rebuilding even when the A is over. I'm surprised, although I shouldnt be, how complicated it is.
and I sure know what you mean about the new sexual techniques ...pretty hard to take! only thing that works for me is the stop sign technique -- I still get a lot of practice at that these days!
I am going to make a list of a few positives that I have seen in the past few days.
1. I feel more at peace, I am less concerned about trying to "fix things"
2. H is calling me again, he had stopped calling me with any frequency about 2 months ago
3. H invited me to dinner for tomorrow night, we were maybe going to go tonight but he called this am, and suggested changing it because we would have a time constraint due to the boys being at scouts tonight. Also Monday night the nice restaurants are closed and H said that he wanted to take me somewhere nice.
4. He didn't stay for dinner last night, and I was fine with that, I really was
5.Yesterday at S12's football game I was really able to enjoy myself. It used to be when H was there I would be all worried about him and what he thought, if he was happy, if his cell ph was vibrating with an OW phone call. Yesterday I was just my usual fun self, and I didn't worry about H and what he was/wasn't thinking.
6. Yesterday H put his arm around me and held my hand for about 30 seconds at the football game. First PDA in a while. Of course he took his arm away when S15 walked up, but that is ok.
There are probably more things I know, but I need to go pick up the boys.
Tomorrow is my meeting at H's office with the CFO. I told H I didn't want any sugar coated stuff, just the facts. I can deal with the truth.
Hiya Pam - I'm so happy you were able to start the week with such terrific positives. And yes, piecing can test your strength to the limit.
One of the attitudes I adopted that helps me in addition to the 'stop' sign is to consider NG truly as 'new guy'. Not only did my husband change, but also, by making a conscious decision to spend the rest of my life with him, I felt I was re-selecting him. If we were going out with someone new, would we not find it easier to accept that they bring with them 'techniques' from other relationships? I know its a bit of a mind game thing, sometimes new and sometimes old guys, but it keeps me going, till the good times roll...
Good luck at the CFO meeting. I'll be thinking of you. Slowly
Well I am feeling a little funky, there is so much going on that it is hard to put it all down to words.
H's business has reached the point where in order to proceed in a timely fashion he needs my signature on some documents pledging some real estate as collateral.
I know that sends everyone's radar up up up, as it well should.
But the truth of the matter is that H has already (back in July '03 pre-bomb) signed a personal guarantee. So the bank will get their money from H no matter what. Whether I cooperate or not.
The question is really not will I sign the loans (H has alreay signed the loan and the loan will have to be paid), but will I also sign the loans so that the business can continue.
It is all very complicated and beyond the scope of discussion here on the board I think.
I hesitated to even write this here because I know that it is really probably beyond the realm of most people's experiences here.
I met on Tuesday with H's CFO and I am meeting tomorrow with H, the bank and another money guy.
Obviously this all casts a pall over my R with H. It is hard to re-build your R when there is an elephant in the living room.
More verbal affirmation that things are tanking between H and OW...fights, name calling, crappy e-mails etc.
He asked me if I wanted to see the e-mails she sent. I said 'no' but should I re-consider? The other night I made fun of an e-mail that she sent way back in Dec of '03 titled "I dot not want you." I need to know when to keep my trap shut.
He also said some of the same stuff that Deb's H said to her regarding my being controlling and how will he know that things will be diff and my changes are for real.
I am just trying to stay focused and take this all to God in prayer. I still do not know what the right answer is.
Pam, just a note about seeing the OW's emails -- I was wondering if by asking you to look at them, your H is offering to make the whole thing less secret... If so, that is a very important step in your healing. See "After the Affair" by Janis Spring for more info. Or "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.
On the financial stuff, is there an unbiased third party who could look at it for you and advise what it is that YOU should do? A CPA, lawyer, financial planner?
Pam- I would definitely NOT look at emails from the OW, or even allow myself the space to witness anything. You want anything he decides about his R with her to come from his own heart, not to please you, or show you he is not devoted to her anymore. I would not even want to hear about fights or name calling or anyhting, leave what is between them alone.
...pretty hard to take! only thing that works for me is the stop sign technique -- I still get a lot of practice at that these days! 