Hey Pam- I am a new member on DB and dong DB for just a month and a half. REading your sitch made me feel hopeful that space and time do work for the H to think things over. It seems that slow and easy does it and not too muchhtinking on your part will help you enjoy what you are doing- how I wish I could go on a trip with my H and just relax and enjoy myself! I also have been told I think and worry too much. Today I will only think and enjoy this day. Tomorrow will take care of itself.
Hi Pam...I've been following your sitch, but I'm ashamed to say havent found time to check in. I'm so happy for you, it sure sounds as though your H has come to his senses at long last.
I have to 2nd what Slowly said about them being back but us not feeling confident.......this is a VERY hard place to be in from my experience.
Also what PS Luke said about it seeming to be the same cycle/process that shows up around here so much.......
You are doing great....I'm so proud of you. Cant say I have much input to add...I think you are right on track with the way you're handling things.
Hi Anne - thanks for checking in, yes this does take an enormous amt of time and patience. My H's A has been going on for almost 2 years (yikes) although I have only been aware of it for about 14 months. In that time he has prob broken up with OW at least 3 times. I kicked him out of the house in April of this year and started actively dbing at the end of April.
Deb - thanks for coming to visit too. I am always glad to hear from you, even if it is just to say "hi." I know that there is not always anthing constructive to add to the discussion, but I do appreciate your steadfast emotional support.
Well H came over again yesterday afternoon and again stayed until about 9, I do see him making an effort to re-connect. Although when he speaks about it he describes it as an easing back in, and that he wants to have a courtship period of dating and not just move back home and be done with it.
Co-mingled in with the whole personal sitch is the sitch of his business and our finances. Is it just by coincidence that he needs my signature on some papers and all of the sudden he is here claiming that he wants to get back together?
I do not know the answer to that one.
More revelations from H...
***today he called OW a "broad" and said that it is not true that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that there is still s*** on both sides
*said that his R was not going to work with her because there was no trust of him on her part (I will NEVER say this to H but it is like well, duh, how could she ever trust him or H trust her, their whole R was built around infidelity which by its very nature represents a breach of trust somewhere.)
*he says that there is more to life than just passion, that even though our M had no passion or intimacy (thanks H for making me feel 3 inches tall) that he knows that he was better off in that R than in his R with OW.
* wants to have a courtship period with me to re-build the romance
* also, I told H that I was going out tonight with friends (which I am) and he asked who (I wouldn't tell him because one of them is our C ~ long story as to how our C has now become a friend~) but he did ask if I was going to be in his neighborhood (which I am) he mentioned stopping by for
I do not know what the status is regarding China, but I know for sure that we are not going in the next 48 hours.
Good morning Pam, I wanted to see how you're doing and wish you a happy Friday!
I'm so glad to see that it looks like the worm is turning big time in your sitch! the amazing thing to me is how many similar threads run through all of our sitchs..... my H has told me how OW would get jealous and throw a fit and chew him out if she even heard him say "hi" to another female co-worker, and often he couldnt even remember who it was he'd said "hi" to...now is that distrust or what? H has actually once even called her a "w---e"...said he called her that to her face... And, I remember being so mystified last winter/spring when he was complaining that there was no passion/romance in our M.......i was really stumped by that....also his ranting and raving that "it's not all about sex"....sounds familiar, huh?
Have you read Charlyne (sp?) Cares this morning? REALLY hit home with me!
Gotta run, have a great weekend...I'm thinking of you!
Hi Pam- thinking of you and hoping good htings turn your way from all ofhte work you have been doing. 14 months sees like along time to me right now! I want this over and done with NOW, but alas, Iknow that H isn't in shape to move in and take up our R where we left off.
Pam, I am glad to catch up on your sitch and to see that your H has realized what a gem you are. I don't want to bring you down but when you mentioned he needed your signature on documents, the warning lights flashed for me. My H also made moves toward a reconnect then asked me to co-sign a large home equity line to help him start his new business. That was June. By September the credit line was maxed out and the payment was past due. Yikes! My name is on the loan and if H defaults, we might be forced to sell the house.
This may or may not be applicable to your sitch, but I thought I should share. Keep taking care of yourself and your long-term interests. Don't get caught like I did.
Yea, Michelle, I have to say that the bulbs are going off in my head too.
I am not rushing ahead to do anything yet. I am just trying to wait in the Lord and see what the right thing is for me to do.
H admits that having his head up his butt caused most of his business woes.
The long story short version is that he signed a personal guarantee at the bank, so he/we will end up having to pay the $ regardless. If I co-sign the loan it will keep him going a while longer. So we either lose the $ now or take the chance that we will either make it back or lose it later.
No easy answers here and of course business and personal mixed together is always hard.
And of course the devil is whispering in my ear that the only reason that H is back is becaue he is looking for the easy way to keep his business afloat.
yikes, hard stuff, I wanted H back but I forgot all about the baggage that came with him,
I went our to dinner last night with my friend and had a really nice time. She also gave me some things to think about regarding H and this whole saga. I will elaborate later after I have had time to digest...
Anyway, long story short version, I was only 12 minutes away from H's house, so I dropped by there for a visit. Well I didn't realize that he had taken the kids there and all of them were in bed already including H. I had ASSumed that he was taking them out to dinner and then leaving them at our house.
I ended up just spending the night because I was tired and had had a glass of wine, and was not really up for the 50 minute drive back to my house.
It was weird. It just felt strange and I couldn't hardly sleep, so I decided I would just lay there and pray for H. Sometimes I would actually touch him with my hand while I was praying, but even though he was sleeping he would squirm away. I feel like he needs to be exorcized from the stink of OW which is still on him. I also kept thinking about all the nights he had spent alone in that bed having phone sex with OW.
I know, I need a stop sign, but like my friend DNO, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
I am just really overwhelmed by all this, if H is truly coming back this is going to be a lot more complicated of a process than I realized.
And the whole financial mess is another dimension of all this.
And what can one possibly do when your lover of 22 years is all of the sudden employing brand new sexual techniques. It is a little hard to sit back and enjoy the ride if you know what I mean.
And is there ever an appropriate time to ask about the status of OW? I really can't go on if he is still doling out 1500 bucks a month to support her while I am scrimping and pinching pennies to try and make our savings last.
I feel like putting up a big NO MORE OW sign in my front yard.
And I do know that OW is not the disease, she is only the symptom, but she is certainly a painful, obvious, festering sore.
Ah, Pam. I wish I was there with you right now to give you a hug and a hand to hold. You sound so at sea. Spending the night at your H's must have been weird -- how wonderful that you had the oomph to pray for your H in the still of the night.
Putting it all back together is going to be a process. Is there someone you two can go to see together who can help you through? Like a minister or pastoral counselor? With all the facets of your sitch, it might be a real godsend to have an experienced third party's help.
I'm glad you have a place to rant. You are an exceptional person, Pam, and I admire your openness and honesty.
Funny how quickly time passes, as here it is already another Sunday. Another Sunday of going to church w/o H, but oh well.
He mentioned something the other day about having been gone 4 months, and it is actually been 6, but I guess that H isn't counting the way that I am.
A huge blessing yesterday, my best friend, who is out of the country on sabbatical, called me up. She is not reachable by phone, so the last time I spoke to her was maybe in August, although we do e-mail about once a week. It was so good to talk to someone who knows me (and H) so well. We got to have about a 15 minute convo.
H brought the boys back for S12's football practice yesterday, then took them back again with him. While he was here we had lunch and then he decided to take a nap in our bed. He kissed me goodbye several times before he left, then called me again later in the afternoon for no particular reason.
I see oh so subtle progress at re-connecting.
It is hard to realize that I cannot directly change him, but I can change how I relate to him and thereby change the dynamic of the R. And I always need to remember that I need to get out of the way and let God work in H's life and mind. H is defenseless against my prayers and I can't even begin to tell you how many people are praying for H and our family.
I am doing even little things differently, like having a beer with my lunch, just to spark the idea in H's pea brain that something, anything, is different.
And I want him to feel safe and comfortable here.
It is too bad that this whole saga is fraught with the undertones of H's financial/business woes. But that seems to come with the package of H.
I am going to tell H today that if he really wants me to be involved in the business and needs my cooperation on some things, then I am going to need to sit down with the CFO of his company and discuss all of this in detail. I am going to need to hear all of the options and all of the possible outcomes. (And I want to hear it from someone less biased than H, but I am NOT going to say that to H).
Have a good day all, today is S12's last football game.
She is not reachable by phone, so the last time I spoke to her was maybe in August, although we do e-mail about once a week. It was so good to talk to someone who knows me (and H) so well. We got to have about a 15 minute convo.