I can remember studying a placemat at a Chinese restaurant once, and figuring out that whole animal thing, but I had forgotten I was a dragon.
I think it goes on a 12 year cycle right? Since my mother was born in 41 and I was born in 65 and S15 was born in 89 then we are all dragons.
So what is a typical dragon? A fire breathing dictator?
I had a lovely day and all my friends (old & new) got along nicely. It looks like a 40th birthday soire is in the making, hopefully in some tropical port of call.
I am ASSuming that H will be back tomorrow, he spent the day today in Miami en route from Brazil.
Last night after he talked to the boys he had S15 bring the phone back to me because I hadn't said ILY.
Blows my mind that he has turned the love faucet back on again.
I am taking this (slowly), one day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
The Dragon is one of the most powerful and lucky Signs of the Chinese Zodiac. Its warm heart makes the Dragon's brash, fiery energy far more palatable. This is a giving, intelligent and tenacious Sign that knows exactly what it wants and is determined to get it. Dragons possess a certain natural, charming charisma that ensures they can always influence their peers and often find themselves the center of attention in social situations. This Sign is truly blessed, too; Dragons are considered to be very lucky in love! The Dragon's friends are always keen to hear what this firebrand has to say and when it comes to dispensing advice, the Dragon has the floor.
Well this is finally it. The day that H returns and we all get to see what it means when he says that he is "coming home."
I am cautiously optimistic, but a little petrified too.
It is sort of like he is acting like nothing ever happened (ok fine I can deal with that for now) but I sort of feel like he is going to be watching and listening...waiting for me to make some mistake that confirms his worst fear that he shouldn't/can't come home.
Way back when we we were in counseling his big thing was that I was too structured, too regimented, and already in the past two days he has told me 2x that I worry too much.
I guess I need to take a deep breath and just let some things go or just have a beer and chill out.
I see so much potential for a new and better R, I just don't want to blow it all by ASSuming anything. And sometimes the taint of OW can just make me crazy.
Another deep breath, this is a process right? And it doesn't all have to look perfect right? This is what I have wanted and prayed for since Aug of 03 and now that it might be here (at H's own initiation and not mine) I am a little scared about exposing myself and being vulnerable.
More deep breaths, well at least I'll be going out with a lot of oxygen in my lungs...
Plan of the day.
My best friend's mom (my best friend is out of the country on sabbatical, has been since Dec 02, her H was my H's best friend and the loss of that R was NOT good for H at all) anyway she is coming down from Illinois to get a haircut and we are either going to have coffee or lunch.
Also, a few errands and then at 5 S12 has a football scrimmage out of town.
Already tonight H was at the computer, checking for something in the history and then asked me "what is divorce busting and why were you there today?"
My reply "It is just a website for people like me who don't want a divorce."
When he comes back I will need to be more careful.
He showed back up in our lives around 3, but left around 9 to go back to his own house, which is fine. The right time will be here soon I am convinced of that now.
I was sort of tip toeing around him emptionally and conversation wise, but after dinner we came into the office to talk business. At a certain point in time he was talking about some papers that I was going to need to sign and I finally just came out and asked him (after he saw the weird look on my face) "Is that why you are 'here' because of the needs of the business?"
So he ended up sharing some stuff with me that I will try to condense down.
*He has lost the respect and integrity of his business associates in Brazil who are aware of what is going on. He wants to be a man of integrity and a man of his word again.
*At the end of the day he was no better off with OW and was probably worse off
*He could tell how much he was hurting the kids (and me)
*he has put his business in jeopardy by being so messed up, distracted, and sidetracked by the OW sitch
*what was he even thinking going around in Brazil with some 26 year old girl?
*if he (and his business) are ever going to succeed then it is only going to happen with me as his support
*this one he had to think of how to put it, but it basically came out that while he thinks that our M is lacking in passion, he is willing to work to make passion happen
*he doesn't want to live in the past or be haunted by it, he wants to move forward
That is about it. He didn't stay the night but that is ok, I would rather get off to a fresh new start under good circumstances and not feel like we tried to force it.
As far as China, we may be leaving as soon as Saturday if we can get our visas by Friday.
Truly amazing how much has happened in the space of a week.
Pam, It sounds like your H has done alot of thinking while he was away.
Please take things slowly tho'. You both have alot of issues that you will have to deal with in time. Many of the WAS seem to want to act like nothing ever happened. That is not always the easiest thing to do for us. I am one that needs to deal with things to put them in the past. But it has to be done at the proper time. When you figure out when that is, let me know.
Good luck with the trip to China. Perhaps it will give you the time you need to get your 'new' R on the right track.
He has done a lot of thinking, I can tell that. And I wish that I had a better handle on whether he thinks that having his head stuck up his butt about this whole A was bad for business and that is his reason for being ready to get out of it.
But I think that in the days and weeks ahead there will def be more info divulged.
I am not really looking at going to China as a relationship re-building opp. He has been wanting to go there for a while to check out doing more business there (much cheaper than Brazil ). H knows that I have a head for his business and he has always valued my intuition and discernment in that arena. So it will def be more of a business trip and an exhausting one at that, esp for H.
He also said that he wanted me to go along to keep him out of trouble, whatever that is supposed to mean.
One other interesting side note from yesterday's convo with H.
He said that for the first time in a long time he loves himself, and that he has to love himself before he loves me. I guess that is the feeling that I had felt for a while that H had nothing to give me.
I am still not sure what he has to give me, most of the convo yesterday was about him and his business and the kids.
He does seems a little less wounded than he has been. And there seems to be a resolve about him that I have not seen before. The other times that he talked about getting rid of OW were all way more emotional.
And of course talk is cheap while he is here in the U.S. and not Brazil. He has not actually even said that they did break up or that their R is over. He just seems to be looking more at the future and what that holds, and I guess that is good.
If anyone has any insights I would appreciate hearing about them.
I am feeling pretty ok and at peace with myself and the sitch...just taking it one day at a time which is obviously all I can do.
My friend's mom and I ended up having lunch yesterday. Her visit was just what I needed too.
Hi Pam - Welcome to the 'other side' - they are back, but we are not confident. This is the new limbo, where continuing to db will be just as important. H sounds like he has woken up.
Quote: He has not actually even said that they did break up or that their R is over. He just seems to be looking more at the future and what that holds
Yup, very normal. He wants to run away from dealing with just how 'silly' he has been. Go with the flow. It will take a lot to just 'suck up' - but in the long term, it'll be worth it.
About China - he seems to be asking for you to go along, for your support. And the thing about whether he is back for business or you, well, he may be finding it easier to focus on business, it requires less soul searching. I too made the mistake of dwelling on exactly why he was back - and you know, over time, with enough opportunity to 'save face', the truth will be out. Their pride too takes a bashing, and any rationale that may make them look better would be preferable.
Trust the process, Pam. Keep on the good work. Lots of love and hugs, Slowly
Sending you lots of good thoughts for the day and the trip.
I'm with Slowly here as that seems to be the pattern that I have seen over and over here on the bb over the past year and a half that I have been here.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
). H knows that I have a head for his business and he has always valued my intuition and discernment in that arena. So it will def be more of a business trip and an exhausting one at that, esp for H.
