I think differentiation is essentially a process of growth and maturity, of arriving at a place where we function out of integrity. I have been differentiating all along, except that it was incremental and I often slipped back into my undifferentiated ways. In 1998, I wrote in my journal that I had come to the heartbreaking realization that my husband would never desire me in the way I wanted to be desired. This was a major step, but I didn’t know what to do with it and so I slipped back into hitting my head against the same brick wall for another six years.
Differentiating applies to all of our relationships, but I will use my marriage to illustrate how I have tried to apply the principles. I hope this helps you.
Differentiating, for me, means holding onto myself. This manifests in many different ways. It means that I have to look deep inside myself to try and define who I am and what things are important to me. It also means communicating this to my husband and often drawing a line in terms of what I can or cannot accept from him. It means that I have to confront myself and admit to my weaknesses and how I interact with my husband in order to avoid confronting those weaknesses – my insecurity, my selfishness, my lack of respect, my inability to give.
It means looking at the world, and my relationship with my husband in particular, from that part of me that is true and strong. Let me give you an example. I will use a topic that was recently discussed – pornography. My H has always been pretty open about the fact he might look at porn to get himself in the mood. I could choose to let my insecurities about my own body image take over and become anxious about the fact that he needs more than me to be turned on. Or I could look at it from a position of strength, knowing my H’s character, and realize that he is merely using a tool in his arsenal to meet my needs. I asked him to put me on his list and he did. It really is that simple.
It means the following. Stay cool. Speak the truth. Listen. Do not react. Do not let his anxiety affect me. Our conversations have become much more calm and productive as a result of this.
Differentiating means learning to soothe myself when I am anxious, angry or hurt. Usually, I try to look deep inside to find the source of my anxiety, anger or hurt. I find that it often comes back to my weaknesses, not any one else’s actions. I also try to remind myself of the good things. For example - my H told me wistfully a couple of months ago that he had forgotten how much fun this (sex) was. A few days ago, when, in an anxiety ridden state, I asked him if he had ever been madly in love with me, he looked genuinely surprised and said that he was still madly in love with me. Some time ago, he told me that his wishes for me were very simple – he wished for me to be a loving wife, a loving mother, and to be happy and secure. He has told me a million times that I am the best thing that happened to him. So I hold on to these positive thoughts and it helps me soothe myself.
Differentiating means accepting that being ‘out of sync’ with him is a normal part of the marital system.
Differentiating means trying to overcome the weaknesses that drive my negative thoughts and actions. Sometimes I try to let my actions lead my feelings on this. Some of the positive actions that I have taken over the last few months include: love him in the way he wants to be loved without opening the ledger book to see what I get back in return, respect his views and agree to disagree, give him space, do not expect him to soothe my anxieties, appreciate the things that he does and let him know etc. etc.
In the ultimate analysis, we are all solitary creatures. We arrive and depart from this world alone. While we are here, we form relationships, but those relationships don’t define us. We are defined by our own inner core, and that must remain strong in order for the relationships to be healthy.
