Quote: Can someone on the board please explain to me in day to day people talk what differentiation is? I have now read both TSSM and PM once and I am starting to read them again today slower... I just need a little clarification is all.....
Thank you for any responses. I have a tendency to stop conversations on this board so.... I am a little gunshy about asking.
Dear Grl,
The technical definition is holding onto yourself in the presence of someone else. Whatever that means.
It's hard to define without understanding fusion. This is when you act out of anticipation of someone else's reaction. If you keep from saying important things to your spouse about yourself because you are afraid of rejection, that is fusion. If you tell your spouse important things about yourself in spite of that fear, that's diffusion. Then if you do get a negative reaction, how you react to the reaction is another opportunity for differentiation.
An important factor is how close you are to the other person. It can be a friend, daughter, father, or spouse. And the closer you are, the more likely you are to be fused, and the harder it is to be differentiated.
When we are fused, we allow others' reactions to change us into an unnatural shape, to distort us away from being ourselves. Differentiation is the ability to hold onto that essense that is you while dealing with others. This doesn't mean separating yourself from others: this is just a different form of fusion, like the way adolescents react to their parents.
It also means acting with integrity. If a LD spouse decides to ML with their S out of fear that he will leave, or just to get him to shut up, then this is fusion. If a LD spouse decides to ML with his S out of love and compassion, even if he really doesn't feel like it, then it is differentiation.
It's important to remember that change can be compatible with differentiation. If you change out of reaction, it's fusion. You are allowing someone else to distort your essence. If you look inside yourself and decide that you can change your behavior to your own and the other person's benefit and that these changes are consistent with your essence, then you are differentiated.
Hope this helps.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
