I say this to you because I want to reinforce it to myself. Don't talk about OW or R or ask for any clarification. 1. It sounds needy and desparate. 2. You talk with your girlfriends about relationship problems and boyfriends. 3. Pretend you are single for life and that you have no right in asking your H about past relationships and if you were in fact single you wouldn't worry because you got the man on your own good merits, which has nothing whatsoever to do with his past.
NTS, I think you are right. I dont want to talk about OW or the relationship, but I do want H to know sometimes I still get a little afraid he will do this again. How do I talk to him about this? I got this in an email yesterday:
Today's thought is:
Never does the human soul
appear so strong as when it
forgoes revenge, and dares forgive
an injury.
--E.H. Chapin
When something or someone makes us angry and we deny it or ignore it, the anger can become resentment. Resentments hurt us because they make us suffer. They make us angry, negative, and short-tempered.
The key to preventing resentments is to start expressing our feelings either verbally or in writing. We do this not to change the other person, but to unload from ourselves the poison of resentment. We can let go of it. We can be grateful that as we empty ourselves of negative things, the space will be filled with positive.
Today let me express my feelings in a way that feels safe and then turn them over to my Higher Power.
So, again, I ask, should I talk to him about how sometimes I get scared, or worried that if I am not always perfect or do something he doesnt like, he will leave me, or look for something else? And how long will this fear last? Should I tell him that I still hurt sometimes?
That is what I am dealing with now....
Oh, one positive, this weekend when H and I were away, he called me "hon", he hasnt done that since last March when OW came into the pix!
Take up boxing, talk to your girlfriends, have a big cry, but don't let your H know that you hurting unless you want him to also feel bad. (Well you can be hurting and let him know, but only if it's a small problem he can solve, but didn't cause)
Here is a good way to think. To him or any other man you are a happy well adjusted person without a problem in the world. Someone so easy to get along with and so desirable who doesn't have big issues or big problems with their personality. It wouldn't bother you if he went off with OW because your life would be better without him.
And don't listen to that advice about getting things out in the open or they cause built up resentment. Might be true, might not, but it's not relevent in this case. You'll resent this the rest of your life whether you talk about it or not.
The other night I wanted to tell H i was hurting and sad. Instead I said thanks for picking us up. You must've had to go out of your way to do that.
You are independant, you don't need his comfort or help, but if he wants to give it to you one day then you'll appreaciate it. It helps me alot for me to pretend I am an independant single mum and that H is just a boarder and has no obligation what so ever to do anything.
You are probably right. I would only cause him pain and he would start backing away from me. I am a stronger person becuause of all of this and I dont NEED him, I just want him. A fellow DBer and I have been going back and forth about this lately, how we wonder if we should talk about things or not. WEll, I will have her read your posts and see what she thinks. I guess what I have come to discover is that its still not a level or even a downsloped hill yet, its still a roller coaster ride...not with my H, but with my feelings of what has happened and what will happen. I found this thing on MB the other day.... I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I typed it up and put it on my fridge, so not only I can see it, but my H can see it and see that I am moving forward and that I do forgive him for what he did.
Ok, so now my issue I think is anger. I have a daycare and have been having little or no patience with the kids. I get upset over little things. When H was having affair, I was much more patient with kids, so what is happening to me now? Could it be that I held in my anger the whole time H was with OW, that now its coming out and I am directing it at the kids instead of H?? What other ways can I deal with this....its so not fair to these poor kids who didnt do anything. Maybe just keep journaling my feeling will help..I dont know, but today I was scaring myself...I dont like this person!
Funny you should say that. I was also real nice to the kids when H had A, but found myself angry and even yelling afterwards.
I recently went to a parenting course and that helped alot. I found out that each parent had their own problems, which made me stop feeling sorry for myself and that even in many good relationships the H is useless with the kids. They gave me such good techniques instead of yelling (which is by the way called escalating and both children and parents escalate). Now the kids and I have the best relationship we've ever had and I even look forward to being with them and practicing the techniques.
Well you can see I'm piecing my life back together and I don't really know what my H is doing. You said I want my H, but don't need him. I'm at the stage I don't need my H and to some extent don't think about wanting him anymore.
I recommend going to a parenting course.
I don't recommend my advice, sometimes I just write the advice, because that is what I am trying out or read somewhere and I honestly believe it will work, but I am not qualified to give advice. When I saw your post I was thinking the same thing, should I tell my H I'm hurt, but then I thought about it rationally and came up with no, so I advised that to you also. It's just based on my own experience.
I dont have any kids of my own, so I would feel silly taking a parenting class! But yesterday was a much better day, I prayed in the morning....think that helped. Plus I think it was also PMS!!
Well, I did some thinking last night and I think maybe I am getting back into the dependency thing again. H seems to be pulling back sometimes lately, (or maybe its just me imagining it) Anyways, I have decided that I will back off..give him some space, be how I was when affair was going on...before he decides to back off himself and not come back. So, tonight when he goes out, gonna tell him to have good time, hug and kiss him and see him tomorrow...then go and do my own thing. I dont want to fall back into the codependent way I was before, so I guess this will also be my way of gaining my own ground. Maybe I am just letting all the feelings I had kept inside for so long resurface, but still keeping them to myself. But I think that is why I keep feeling sad, angry, a little depressed. Before I was numb to all these feelings, so now that things have been going pretty well with us for 3.5 months, I am no longer numb and am feeling all the things I needed to feel at the time. So maybe this is my time to "take some time" for me. Well, I guess we will see....I need to do some more reading, that always seems to help!
