Well, I think I just need to do some journaling, because there is so much stuff going through my head right now and I want it cleared away because we are leaving tonight to go up to the mountains for a weekend getaway! I want to concentrate on us this weekend, so I figured this would be the best way to get this stuff off my mind.
For the past couple weeks, the thought of OW and things H said and did with her are haunting me. It's just so hard to think that he was telling her ILY all the time in emails and on the phone. He never, in all our 5 years, used to say ILY everyday and all the time. So why her and not me? How could he, after months and months of saying that he was in love with her and wanted to be with her, after one last weekend, where she called R off..he just jumps back into my life. NO, Im sorry, NO, I was a fool, NO, I want to make it up to you...NOTHING. Just back into my life, like nothing ever happened. Well, it did and I cant forget it!! I try not to think about it, but every once in a while, something will spark a bad memory. HOw can he just go on like it all never happened? And how do I know he wont go running back to her if she "snaps her fingers"? We still have not talked about what happened since he came back from the "break up". We also have not talked about us and our M since then either and his last words back then were " I will try to make this work, but I dont think it will." Since that day, September 6th, things have gotten so good. We seem to be moving forward still...he seems to be sincere about being in this R, but I am only reading this because of his actions. We dont talk about things that happened or what is happening now. I still need to ask for the LL that I need, like physical touch...but am still afraid. I dont know why though....when I do ask for other things, he seems more than happy to do them for me. Why is it so hard to ask for physical touch? I still have not said ILY to him to his face, only in emails and texts. Why am I so afraid? Is it because I am afraid to be hurt again or that he wont want to do the things I ask? UUGGHHH!! So many thoughts and I just wonder, does he ever think about anything like this? Of course not, I dont confront him or talk to him about it!! So is it my own fault I feel this way?? Well, if anyone reads this and has some advice, I would love to hear it....I need some reassurance or something that this is all normal or something....
