I don't know your H, but I do know that you don't want to make him feel defensive. Remember, you can only control yourself, you can't control him. I wish he would go to the C with you, it could really help so much. Hmmm...Would he go alone? What about a priest or minister? I'm lost, I can't help. I just don't want you to put him on the defence. In his mind, he may be trying really hard, just not the same way you are. He's there, right?
My H moved out AGAIN and back into her house. Even took my girls to her house over the weekend when she was in town and I was out of town at the wedding. They had a little bbq with her 2 boys and my 3 girls. I was physically sick when D8 told me about it even though her daddy asked her not to tell me. Can you believe any man could be such a jerk as to ask his 8 year old daughter to lie for him?
Wait.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
"Let's say you are sitting in a room and it's 60 degrees in there. You're cold. The thermostat says the heat is set at 60, the thermometer also says the same thing. Well, until you get up off your butt and go turn up the thermostat, there is NO way that room is going to warm up.
Okay, so you've decided to turn the doggone thing up. So you turn it up to 90 and head back to the sofa. After 10 minutes, you're feeling impatient and you're still cold. You're angry because the thermostat says 90 but the thermometer still reads 60.
Are you willing to be patient so that the thermostat can begin working? It didn't plummet to 60 degrees immediately, and it certainly isn't going to get warmer for awhile. But the good news is that you can do physical things to make yourself feel warmer as the temperature starts to rise.
What can you do to build warmth until the thermostat catches up? "
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
honestly? I wouldn't give him the letter..it is not the way you've written it so much as the fact that you've written it.
I know you're not happy with the way things seem right now but is there a way for you to elicit a change without writing such a letter or having an equally in depth converstaion?
what are some things that h is doing right?
can you focus on those and help them to grow?
what are some things that you are doing right?
can you do more in that area?
what are the specific things that you see h doing "wrong"?
what ways could you aproach those areas without as Mellanie says "putting him on the defensive"?
Thanks for the advice everyone...I kind of knew I shouldnt give the letter to him, so I havent yet. But I have decided I need to tell him how I have been feeling lately. I am going to put our some suggestions for us to try and work on. I think I am going to show him the Marriage Builders website and let him know that is where I would like us to work from.
Lostlove...yes I have done a lot of thinking about all the questions you have asked... **I think he is showing me he cares about me by showing lots of domestic support, which is one of his emotional needs. **I am showing domestic support too to him and I know he appreciates it. I do SF need also, at least once a week, but need to work on doing it more. **I think my H needs to open up more to me..it will help me to understand if what I am doing is right and also let me into his life a little.
BUT---I think I might have discovered something. First of all, the this weekend and the beginning of the week, I had been a little withdrawn, only trying to meet H needs towards the end of the day because I was angry and upset. He seemed withdrawn too, which only made things harder...well, yesterday morning, I got up with a new attitude. When H got up, I went up to him (first gave him a little time...I know when he first wakes up is not a good time to approach him...) and gave him a hug...said soemtimes this just feels nice and kissed him on the cheek. I felt so connected to him again...I felt the love moving thru my body..it was weird. Then, the whole day seemed to go so much better. H was having conversation with me, being nice...just the overall morale of our R was good. It went on until we went to bed last nite!! WOW!! So, I decided, maybe that is one of his LL/EN too!! I see him go up to the kids I have in my daycare and ask them for hugs all the time...maybe me keeping them from him was a bad thing?? Well, I think it might be something I do on a daily basis or at least every other day...dont want to push too much too fast. But I will do it at different times each day...just to feel that connection between us again!! I did it today before he left for work and said, "It just felt so good yesterday to do this, I wanted to try it again today." I got no response, but he didnt seem bothered by it either...
Ok, so I will change my letter a little bit and then let you all read it...make if more about how I feel and what I am going to do to improve our M. I really would like to have him read it, because he gets more out of things when he reads them...then we can talk a bit...
Ok heres my revised letter, let me know if its better...
H, I think I have been failing at trying to make things better with us. I have been letting your actions affect me too much which has been causing me to withdraw from you, which is what I was doing before when all the troubles between us first started. I have not been communicating with you very well when something is bothering me. I guess that’s the codependency part of me that I know I need to do some more work on. I would really like for us to be friends again… I would like to share positive and negative things about my days and my life and would also like for you to share those things with me too.
I have been trying to do all the things that I think you need and want from our relationship, but am not sure if I am doing the right things. I would really like to hear your input on things that I do that either you like or dislike. Just like I used to expect you to read my mind and know what I needed or wanted all the time, I now know that is not possible. It is ok to ask for what we want and need and I would like you to be able to ask for what you need without feeling guilty. I think this could really help us to start moving forward instead of staying stuck where we are right now. I am not saying we have to rush into anything, just that if we practice talking about certain things, eventually, it will come naturally.
H, I really want this marriage to work and I do understand that its not going to happen overnight. We will have our bad days and good days, and hopefully in the near future, our good days will outnumber the bad ones and our marriage will get stronger and stronger and we will both be very happy.
Well, we have been working at getting our marriage back on track for over 2 months now. Things seem to be going so much better...H is communicating with me, spending time with me, doing so much around the house and other stuff to show me he loves me. But, there are some things that are frustrating me...there are 3 things that my H wont do or initiate. Hugging me, kissing me and telling me he loves me. I have done lots of thinking about it and I wonder if it because those are the things that he was doing with OW...and now, he is afraid to show them to me because he is confused about how to show me he loves me. Does that make sense? Just today before he was leaving for the night, he did reach out to give me huh (WOW) and then I went to kiss him on the lips and he turned his face... its so heartbreaking... After and during ML, he does kiss me...but any other time I try, its on the cheek...I just dont get it... Also, most of the time when I try to hug him, I get like half a hug....he will wrap his arms around me, but barely touch me and never puts his hand on me..its so weird!! The ILY, I have not said to his face yet since we have been back together, but I did email him and told him ILY ...I am afraid to push it..plus not sure if he would feel bad not saying it back yet. When he was texting OW, it was always ILY, ILY, ILY..now I get nothing and I am the person he is planning on spending the rest of his life with?? So, what do I do...just give it some time?? Should I talk to him about it? I just dont know...but it really hurts when I go to kiss him and he turns his cheek...
Just wanted to you to know that I stopped by. I don't have any answers because I'm going through the same thing. H used to tell me ILY, even during his A, but not at all recently. I tried it on one of our phone calls over Thanksgiving weekend, no response. Well, it was worth a try. Now I'm just going to wait til he says it, I guess.
Have a good day, Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Well, I think I just need to do some journaling, because there is so much stuff going through my head right now and I want it cleared away because we are leaving tonight to go up to the mountains for a weekend getaway! I want to concentrate on us this weekend, so I figured this would be the best way to get this stuff off my mind.
For the past couple weeks, the thought of OW and things H said and did with her are haunting me. It's just so hard to think that he was telling her ILY all the time in emails and on the phone. He never, in all our 5 years, used to say ILY everyday and all the time. So why her and not me? How could he, after months and months of saying that he was in love with her and wanted to be with her, after one last weekend, where she called R off..he just jumps back into my life. NO, Im sorry, NO, I was a fool, NO, I want to make it up to you...NOTHING. Just back into my life, like nothing ever happened. Well, it did and I cant forget it!! I try not to think about it, but every once in a while, something will spark a bad memory. HOw can he just go on like it all never happened? And how do I know he wont go running back to her if she "snaps her fingers"? We still have not talked about what happened since he came back from the "break up". We also have not talked about us and our M since then either and his last words back then were " I will try to make this work, but I dont think it will." Since that day, September 6th, things have gotten so good. We seem to be moving forward still...he seems to be sincere about being in this R, but I am only reading this because of his actions. We dont talk about things that happened or what is happening now. I still need to ask for the LL that I need, like physical touch...but am still afraid. I dont know why though....when I do ask for other things, he seems more than happy to do them for me. Why is it so hard to ask for physical touch? I still have not said ILY to him to his face, only in emails and texts. Why am I so afraid? Is it because I am afraid to be hurt again or that he wont want to do the things I ask? UUGGHHH!! So many thoughts and I just wonder, does he ever think about anything like this? Of course not, I dont confront him or talk to him about it!! So is it my own fault I feel this way?? Well, if anyone reads this and has some advice, I would love to hear it....I need some reassurance or something that this is all normal or something....
2MUCH, Well I should be moving over here to piecing too, but have not gotten around to it. Quote: will try to make this work, but I dont think it will." Since that day, September 6th, things have gotten so good. We seem to be moving forward still...he seems to be sincere about being in this R, but I am only reading this because of his actions. We dont talk about things that happened or what is happening now. I still need to ask for the LL that I need, like physical touch...but am still afraid. I dont know why though....when I do ask for other things, he seems more than happy to do them for me. Why is it so hard to ask for physical touch? I still have not said ILY to him to his face, only in emails and texts. Why am I so afraid? Is it because I am afraid to be hurt again or that he wont want to do the things I ask? UUGGHHH!! So many thoughts and I just wonder, does he ever think about anything like this? Of course not, I dont confront him or talk to him about it!! So is it my own fault I feel this way?? Well, if anyone reads this and has some advice, I would love to hear it....I need some reassurance or something that this is all normal or something....
Hon, this is excactly how I feel. I hope you do get advise on this,- However, I do think it is time you guys talk about what happened. Read my last thread New Thread N H there is alot of good advise on getting back toegether.
I am new to this, so please be gentle. I am not sure is this is the right place but I need some advice. I have just been recently going through a divorce. (see thread #811131 for a full picture). I am starting to read the posting and I am starting to get hope again for saving the marriage. What I need to know is, I am reading a number of books and web sites and I am starting to realize that I think some of this stuff could help my wife maybe slow or stop the D process. I know I have been the one who has been causing the problems. I am starting to make the corrections in myself. She keeps telling me that she cares about me but that she is apathetic about the relationship. I will say that things between us have gotten a lot better, as long as we do not talk about our feelings (me still loving her). Everytime I bring that up, she goes cold and distant. I do not want to make matters worse, but I would like to get her to look at the relationship differently. I want to talk but that makes things worse. She is happy that I have left, but that I see her and the kids 3-4 times a week. She works full-time and I am with the kids most of the time she is at work. Communication between us has improved greatly, she has even stated that it is the best the past two weeks then in the past 3 1/2 years. She is happy, relaxed, and there is less tension in the air since I left. I would like to persue more with her but I am afread to act to spoil what has been gained. While the problems have started years ago, Oct 15 is when the major meltdown begain, with me leaving on Nov. 8. What should I do? Thanks and love to all.
Last edited by Twisted1; 12/03/0411:06 PM.
Didn't know what love was, Didn't know what pain does.......
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=811131&fpart=1&PHPSESSID=link] Background [/url]
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its so heartbreaking...
