I need to do a little journaling to get these thought out of my head and see if anyone can relate.

My H has been looking at buying a new car and the only reason I found out is because I saw him looking on the internet. I then asked him how much and what payments would be and he said he was going to buy it himself, but I could drive it too. Ok, I freaked out...after I thought about how to say things, I told him it bothered me that he was going to buy this himself. I then said that if it was just because he wanted to be independent and do this himself, I understood, but if it was about him not wanting us to buy it together, it sort of hurt. He asked why it was such a big deal and I said well, usually when we purchase large items, we usually each pay for it, like the computer we just bought. Then he said, well what if in 2 or 3 or 6 months, things dont work out between us...uggh, that hurt . I said I dont need to have my name on the title, I just thought it would be nice of me to offer to help to make payments. Then I said, I wish he would just take things one day at a time, because looking at "maybe things wont work in couple months" doenst help him work on making things work....

Later I thought about it and I shouldnt have told him how to think, and I wanted to explain how I wasnt upset with him, its that I was upset with myself because I got my hopes up too soon and thought things were actually improving between us. But I just left it alone and acted "as if" nothing had happened. I know I need to talk about these things when they bother me, but he always just gets upset with me...UUGHH!!

I know I have to look at his actions and not listen to his words, and his actions tell me things are getting better. Like a fellow DBer said, men cant pretend (of course unless it comes to sex...ha ha), and I though about it and that makes sense.

I just have to take it one day at a time...focus on each day that comes, not the next day or next month. I am doing that, because I try not to think of our future. I try to stay positive, but sometimes when he hurts me so much, I just think I really dont deserve this. I deserve to be with someone who does think they have a future with me...and maybe he does and just throws stupid words out to make me upset or to test me. I have been reading that sometimes men push people away because they are afraid of getting hurt or dont feel they deserve to be loved. Maybe that is what he is doing??

I also think that my H has past issues with his mom being married 3 different times and his dad leaving when he was real young and not coming back into his life until he was 10 and now he works with his dad and his dad is an alcoholic. I think there is a lot of stuff to deal with there and would love for him to go to counselor, but he is so not wanting to go...afraid they will tell him "how to feel"....I tell him that is not what they do..they just listen and let them talk, but if H doenst even talk to me about things, do you think he would talk to someone else about things?? I just dont know..but Im gonna try...

ta ta for now!!!