I thought my sitch fits more here now....hope this is a good place to post!!
Well, things seem to be going great. Last night my H initiated sex...first time in over 8 months!!! The past 2 weeks, he has slept in our bed every night!! Its as though nothing ever happened, except I am a different person and also a different person in the marriage. We have not talked about anything since the beginning of September...is that ok? Im not even sure what to say...he doesnt seem to be thinking about OW or anything anymore and seems pretty committed to us. I have asked for some of my needs, but just small ones...but am feeding his needs now....trying to show him how I have changed and just how wonderful our marriage can be if we both work at it.
So, do I bring up anything? What can I talk about and what should I avoid? Do I just let things go as they are since things seem to be much better? I'm just not sure if I am doing all the right things or if there are things I should be doing? Does anyone have any advice?
I think it's OK to not talk about it especially if you don't even know what you'd talk about or more importantly if things are going well.
If you do discover something you feel needs addressing take your time with it and give it a whirl...then you'll know if talking about "it" works on not.
I went to the counselor last night and asked him the same question about talking about what happened. I told him my H just acts like nothing ever happened. He said that is how most men are. Instead of talking about things, they just let them go and move on. That is exactly how my H is...so I guess we just move on...unless like lostlove said, something comes up that I need to address, try it.
This now seems to be so much harder than it was when I didnt know what was going to happen with us. Then I wasnt afraid to say much of anything, because I felt I had already lost him anyways. Now, what things can or should we talk about? I try to tell him that we really need to communicate much more than we did before. He needs to tell me when he's upset with me or when he is feeling like he is unhappy or WHATEVER...so that I know this time and will not just let things go and get back to where they were before.
I have read lots of post in pieceing and its been said so many times how the fear of things going bad, or getting scared every time H is in bad mood, or trying to get that trusting feeling back. I sometimes just wish he knew all that I have gone through...and yes, I know he has too, but I wonder if it is still going on for him like it is for me??
I am working at feeding his needs and someone else here started a post tracking those needs, which sounds like a good idea. I first have to get a good idea of which ones are the top for him. I would also like for him to see what my needs are and maybe give him examples of each one...things that I would like and how often..or would this be too soon??
So many questions...I guess all I can do is take it "ONE DAY AT A TIME"!!!
I have been through a similar sitch, and no, my H and I do not talk about it at all. It is very strange but I agree with your C - my H is the type to just move on. And because things are going so well, I have no interest in starting a discussion.
We also are now in the same bed/bedroom after 9-month in-house separation. Even that was never discussed. You're lucky - no ML for me as H broke his back the very day after we shared a bed for the first time in 9 mos. Am I unlucky or what!?
One thing I learned to do during all of this is to not take ownership of H's bad moods. Stop taking on this responsibility. If your H is in a bad/mad/unhappy mood, just pretend it has nothing to do with you. I find this works much better than getting worried and, strangely enough, shortens H's bad moods.
Instead of trying to get him to communicate more, maybe you should spend a little more time thinking about the ways he does communicate. You're never going to get him to communicate like you do, but it's amazing how much H's like ours are really saying when you 'listen' in a different way.
It is strange, isn't it to try to shift gears. What do I do now that he's home. He's so sullen. I'm gun shy. Everytime his cell phone rings, I get that old creepy feeling again. I have to snap out of this. It's harder than being separated.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I need to do a little journaling to get these thought out of my head and see if anyone can relate.
My H has been looking at buying a new car and the only reason I found out is because I saw him looking on the internet. I then asked him how much and what payments would be and he said he was going to buy it himself, but I could drive it too. Ok, I freaked out...after I thought about how to say things, I told him it bothered me that he was going to buy this himself. I then said that if it was just because he wanted to be independent and do this himself, I understood, but if it was about him not wanting us to buy it together, it sort of hurt. He asked why it was such a big deal and I said well, usually when we purchase large items, we usually each pay for it, like the computer we just bought. Then he said, well what if in 2 or 3 or 6 months, things dont work out between us...uggh, that hurt . I said I dont need to have my name on the title, I just thought it would be nice of me to offer to help to make payments. Then I said, I wish he would just take things one day at a time, because looking at "maybe things wont work in couple months" doenst help him work on making things work....
Later I thought about it and I shouldnt have told him how to think, and I wanted to explain how I wasnt upset with him, its that I was upset with myself because I got my hopes up too soon and thought things were actually improving between us. But I just left it alone and acted "as if" nothing had happened. I know I need to talk about these things when they bother me, but he always just gets upset with me...UUGHH!!
I know I have to look at his actions and not listen to his words, and his actions tell me things are getting better. Like a fellow DBer said, men cant pretend (of course unless it comes to sex...ha ha), and I though about it and that makes sense.
I just have to take it one day at a time...focus on each day that comes, not the next day or next month. I am doing that, because I try not to think of our future. I try to stay positive, but sometimes when he hurts me so much, I just think I really dont deserve this. I deserve to be with someone who does think they have a future with me...and maybe he does and just throws stupid words out to make me upset or to test me. I have been reading that sometimes men push people away because they are afraid of getting hurt or dont feel they deserve to be loved. Maybe that is what he is doing??
I also think that my H has past issues with his mom being married 3 different times and his dad leaving when he was real young and not coming back into his life until he was 10 and now he works with his dad and his dad is an alcoholic. I think there is a lot of stuff to deal with there and would love for him to go to counselor, but he is so not wanting to go...afraid they will tell him "how to feel"....I tell him that is not what they do..they just listen and let them talk, but if H doenst even talk to me about things, do you think he would talk to someone else about things?? I just dont know..but Im gonna try...
I get daily tarot card readings sent to my email and just thought I would share this one with everyone today!!
Today's Card: Ten of Cups
This card features the beautiful rainbow, all the cups are aligned
perfectly and the family turns to gaze upon it, lifting their hands
in a prayerful/respectful act of gratitude. This is a card that
celebrates unity and abundance. It reminds us to place more value on
the things that truly matter: community, family, Spirit, nature,
faith, love.
Shifting our attention to these things consciously brings more peace
to our lives. We become filled with the hope and promise represented
by the rainbow. This card reminds us that pinning our hopes and
sense of worth/value on the material world cannot provide that kind
of joy and peace.
The cups representing the realms of emotion, remind us that we
succeed when we approach life with optimism and enthusiasm. If we
expect loss or pain, than we miss out on more opportunities for joy.
In this card the family chooses to turn towards the rainbow, rather
than facing towards us. They remind us that happiness is a conscious
choice. There is no need to look for the next thing to come
galloping over the horizon to bring us happiness. Joy is a state of
being, not an attainment. Work to shift your focus to one of joy,
faith, and optimism and limitless opportunities will open up for you.
Does talking about it bring you closer to your goals?
ie: what are you REALLY looking for in his answers?
It is perfectly normal to feel an estrangement when you don't know what's going on in his head. But ask yourself if this questioning is for you or to make him feel something. What are you trying to acheive?
Im so sad...will he ever let me into his life?? He never tells me anything...not about his job, about his friends, about decisions he makes..doesnt include me at all. Is this how its going to be for the rest of our lives? Arent you supposed to share stuff like that with your spouse/someone you care about? Every single day I want to cry because I hear him telling his friends things he doesnt ever tell me. Why cant we just sit and have a conversation...its always one sided---me talking and him saying yep or some other one word reply. I dont want to live like this!! Its just not fair!!! I seriously am so lost..I dont know what to do anymore? I cant push him to talk, but I cant stand not being a part of his life..it just hurts too much and really makes me feel unimportant!!
The past 2 weeks, he has slept in our bed every night!! Its as though nothing ever happened, except I am a different person and also a different person in the marriage. We have not talked about anything since the beginning of September...is that ok?
