I haven't written a list down, but that does make sense. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Update...
As I suspected, my talk last weekend about getting up with the rest of us didn't sink in enough to get H up with us today. I didn't push it, this morning I was actually feeling like I was loosing steam. I'm exhausted, and while I finally feel like I've sort of got the laundry and stuff back to where it's not overwhelming me, I'm still sort of functioning on autopilot. In a way I'm glad I have a emotionally/attention demanding job, since it keeps my mind off everything else. I can't imagine how I'd be dealing right now if I were doing something that gave me the time to let my mind wander...
Anyway, H was living in his parallel universe for most of the morning. We were going out this afternoon, first to Mass (to make a long story short, aren't many Catholics around here, we have Mass the 1st Sat. every month), then to friends. H was outside putting stuff away for the winter, finally came in 40 mins before we were to leave.
I asked if he was planning to come with us, and he asked if I could come and pick him up after Mass before we went to friends. I took a deep breath (I had suspected he would ask just that, and had already decided that we should go to Mass as a family, which we have done up untill a couple of months ago since H decided the boys were big enough that they didn't need him there. H isn't Catholic, but I do think it's something we should do as a family, especially since H doesn't attend his own church)
H got upset - 'see I knew this was one of those trick questions you women ask but there's no real answer'.
M 'I'm not just a woman - I'm your W, and my name is ****' I walked away to cool off, when I came back H was still going on, and I told him that I had before decided that I did not want that he would just come to the party, that we did so little together as a family, that I really would appreciate if he came to Mass.
That ended the convo, he did come, but made it quite clear that he was very upset about it - so upset that he couldn't drive.
On the way to our friend's, it was dark, and I was a little lost. I asked H at one point if I should turn here. H said no, so I asked if it was the street ahead. He said it was way back, that you probably could have turned back there, but it wasn't a very good place to do it and he wouldn't have done it that way.
I turned the car around, and got upset - 'why couldn't you have said that?'. H went on to explain how he didn't want to upset me, and if I was driving I should know where I was going, etc etc...I did get caught up in the argument for a short while, then just said, ok, I'm sorry I asked, can we stop.
H was uncomfortable at our friends', would make comments to me (discreetly) about how I was talking, or acting...I ignored him.
When we got home, I asked him why it was that we got caught up in arguments that had no real meaning, that just went in circles, and only served to keep us from whatever it is that is really the problem.
H started bringing up the argument in the car again, and I stopped him immediately, saying 'That's just what I mean. I'm *not* mad about that, I understood what you said, and I don't want to argue about it. I would like to know why you feel you need to split hairs or straight out put me down all the time - to the point that you make our friends uncomfortable - and why you've done it since we started dating?'
H first said that it bothered him how I consistantly made one particular grammatical mistake in Finnish, and he had been proud that he had been able to grin and bear it, but that it got on his nerves.
I said that's not what I ment - that was a symptom, but there were a lot of other things, from how I dressed, walked, to what I ate...
H said that I have an air about me of always wanting to be better than everyone, and always needing to have to add something to the conversation.
This is an edited version - there was a lot of the usual distracting techniques - H trying to drag the convo to how I was talking, standing, and keep asking why I was attacking him.
When I finally got to start talking again, H asked if 'this was going to be long', and I said 'yes, probably'. So he went into our room and sat on the bed.
I said that he knew what I was like when he married me. He asked me again not to attack him, I assured him I did not want to attack him, I wanted to try to find a way to talk to him. I said that I wanted him to try to accept me for me, and to realize that I was not going to do everything just the way he does, that I would probably in the future do stuff he considered 'stupid', and that it would make life a lot easier if we could find some way to accept each other's differences. I said that for a long time I honestly thought there was something wrong with me, and tried to figure out what it was about me that I could 'fix' so he would accept me, but that I had realized that I couldn't become the person he seemed to be trying to make me into, I didn't want to be that person, and that I didn't want him to be just a carbon copy of how I act. I said that if we did everything just the way the other did, it would be exceedingly boring, and I didn't want to live that way.
H asked if I was done, and then went off, with no comment, so I'm not sure what he thought. He has spoken to me about other stuff since then instead of slinking off, so maybe I did give him something to think about
Anyway, points to me for getting my idea out calmly. Like lots of you have said before - it's amazing how difficult it has been previously to say something so obvious, and so simple.
I'm too exhausted to 'feel', which might even be a good thing right now.
Okay... just consider this a humorous interlude... you'll see why I posted it here.
Quote: Italian Lover
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they! climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."
