First just wanted to say I've been catching up, reading everyone's threads, and it seems a lot of you have gotten somewhere today. Hope you all have great weekends!!!!!!
I had an interesting convo this afternoon, not with H.
We have a mutual friend about 10 yrs older than we are, she's known H for a very long time, they've 'worked' together on the music festival for about 20 yrs, she just recently got a new job as an administrator at the conservatory here in town. D8 had a lesson this afternoon, and I was feeling lousy - as she was having trouble getting speed + energy into her playing...and I know D8 - that of all things shouldn't be a problem. She was very tense, and I was feeling guilty again - thinking how things 'should' be, if I was home in the evenings, or H was more active...
So, I decided to go talk to our friend after D's lesson (D had a theory class) just to see if she knew of any 'gossip' (teaching spots are not easy to come by), thought it couldn't hurt for her to know I desperately want something here in town.
Well, as she had talked to H a week ago briefly, apparently she had an idea that something was 'up', and she asked how I was...I broke down, and we had a good talk. It was actually very good to be able to talk to her, as she knows H very well, and has known us since the very beginning of our R.
She told me that she remembers an incident right after we started dating, where H said something very rude to me with her and another friend listening, and they had taken H aside afterwards and said something. I told her that things had continued that way throughout our R. I said that I guess I was too in love to realize what he was doing in the beginning, or maybe I didn't have enough self confidence, who knows.
She told me that she had always thought that H was very lucky to have found me, she said that the change in H after we met was drastic. She also said it didn't surprise her at all that H was acting this way, how typical it was that men, and H in particular would just 'lock up' and refuse to admit their part in the problem.
I told her that I had to believe there was a chance that H would see, that I knew he was a good person, and that the last thing I wanted to do was to break up our family - but that I also felt I was getting to the end of my rope, and that I didn't know what I could do if H wouldn't admit his part.
It felt very good to be able to talk to a wise person who knows, and admires both of us - so I didn't feel like I was putting H down, just stating the facts. I hated telling her, because I know she cares about us, but I was very glad to be able to.
We discussed whether or not she should say something to H, she was trying to think if she had any 'excuses' to talk to him about something else, and try to find out how he was feeling. She did promise that she wouldn't reveal what she knew. We decided that might not be a good idea, unless something just happened to come up, and H opened up (something he might do with her of all people).
She knows too that H is a very quiet person, and really doesn't have anyone to talk to, and she agreed with my thoughts that H doesn't have a high opinion of women in general
So, what do I plan to do with this info??
Well, first, it did make me feel good to get some validation. I've really been all over the place about my own part of this, and it was nice to here that I am right in thinking H has been rude to me, and that I have given something to this R. That might seem obvious, but sometimes, you're too close to something to see clearly.
I also feel more strongly that H does need to bring his part to this, and that something needs to be done, and soon. There has to be some kind of change. I really wasn't sure how I felt about H this week - he really startled me with his reactions the other night - they were strong, even for him, and it did bother me more than a little that this seems to be escilating. While that might be a good sign - shows that H realizes I've changed, it also scares me to think how strongly he wants to hold on to the way things are. So it was good to hear me saying that I did care about H, and felt there must be some good in there somewhere, 'cause to be honest, I wasn't sure if that was how I felt.
I still feel in a sort of 'other worldly' state - though I've also been making a point in the past few days of keeping my PMA up. I thought I was, but after making a real effort - and seeing it reflected in the kids, it makes me wonder just how much it's been affecting me (and them).
I really wish right now I had family around - that we could spend time with them, that I could have some support in keeping things up here - as I can't really count on that from H's family.
