FocusedFlutist wrote <<<and I 'blew' it by asking>>>
FF You don't believe that, do you? H blew it by not answering your request. I also read in your post that you were trying to make things better but things ended poorly. {{{FF}}} for your effort in this difficult situation.
Do you tell your students they blew something when they ask you a question? I know you don't tell them they blew it or you would not be teaching. The best statement I ever heard form a teacher was: If you read the lesson and do not understand something "There are no dumb questions."
I put up a baby gate in the hallway to keep the dogs confined to the bedrooms. The baby gate latch operated opposite of what most latches operate. First I showed my W two times how it worked. Then I asked her to demonstrate to me if she understood how it worked. She did not know how to work the latch so I showed her again and asked her to repeat what I just showed her. She started to open the latch in the wrong direction and when that did not work she reversed the direction and got the gate latch to open. BTW, I got it wrong the first time I tried to open the latch and had to figure out how to operate it. Kid and adult proof latch, eh?
Only reason I wrote about the baby gate is to let you know I am in the similar position as you guys with the garage door. We work things out and by your posts it sounds like you are diligently trying to resolve mechanical and personal issues without much co-operation from your H.
We are all chearing you on in your quest to solve your R problems.
Thanks Lou for your kind words. About teaching, I've discovered the best way for someone to learn is to let them discover it themselves (heh, maybe that's what H thinks he's doing!! ) Like which Dave's? tip for teaching a kid to ride a two-wheeler. A teacher's job is to provide a setting that makes it possible for the student to learn. The hard part is knowing just how much 'pressure' or guidance to apply, and to be patient enough not to jump in and show them the answer.
I was thinking...I'm defensive by nature, and H has brought the worst out in me in that department. Definately something to work on. I remember one of Jenny's posts where she mentioned how she felt releaved when her H left on one of his trips, and I know very well that sense of relief.
I'm going to be myself. The singing, exhuberant, person who gets enthusiastic about anything. Not to let H's crabbiness stop me. I've toned myself down a lot over the years, since it seems to annoy H. But I'm taking my life back. (keep reminding me of that, huh? )
Quote: The singing, exhuberant, person who gets enthusiastic about anything. Not to let H's crabbiness stop me. I've toned myself down a lot over the years, since it seems to annoy H. But I'm taking my life back.
This is exactly what you must do! This is me, too. I know that as a child I was a very high-energy person and learned to be quiet and to be seen and not heard. As is the nature of intimate relationships, I've found a man who re-creates perfectly the dynamics of my childhood home. The C says we must just be ourselves, and if our partner gets annoyed, that's their problem. The key is being yourself-- obviously not just pushing your partner's buttons for the sport of it.
One book I read said we should examine the traits in our partner that most annoy us and accept that the reason those traits annoy us is that we possess those traits and have disowned them. Therefore we project them onto the partner where we can dislike them (not realizing consciously that it's ourselves we are disliking). SO we should find the positive side of those traits and try to reclaim them as our own. This is easier said than done, and frankly, even hard to think about. If we could easily access the unconscious, then it wouldn't have to BE unconscious, right?
But if you know there is part of yourself you are hiding, like your enthusiasm, then I say, let 'er rip! Start singing aroud the house at the top of your lungs! Get the kids to join in, too! That will certainly unbalance things. If/when he gets annoyed, hold onto yourself-- realize what he's annoyed with is really something in himself.
You talked about putting him in the crucible-- I think YOU'RE in the crucible! Don't let him separate you from yourself.
Yes, we're all cheering for you-- and admiring you a lot for your struggle and for your tenacity!
FF wrote: ------------- Surprise surprise, I didn't get an answer, so that's about par for the course, but H also mumbled something that 'Normal people would have started working on this three years ago'. M'Well, can't we work on it now?' we bantered on this back and forth... -------------
Sounds like he has given up in frustration at some point.
I have thought a lot about your situation, FF. I believe that the two of you have to develop some mutual respect in your relationship before you tackle harder issues.
Spending leisure time at the other spouses expense has to stop. Yelling has to stop, and disrespectful outbursts have to stop.
I think the two of you should sit down and discuss the basics. Parental responsibility, and division of labor. Establish who will do what, and define the atmosphere the two of you will maintain in your home. Cultural expectations should play no part in the decisions. Being the primary breadwinner does not give either spouse special dispensation.
If the discussion causes a blow up, then wait an hour and try again. Don't let anger or frustration stop the two of you from reaching an agreement. You simply must establish some boundaries if your relationship is to continue.
Before you start, have your desires clearly outlined in your head so that you can maintain your position under fire.
As an aside, I think that the porn and masturbation is disrespectful since the act itself denies you the filling of a need. While masturbation is normal, its use as an exclusionary tactic is selfish and childish. Regardless, you will have to decide if it should be a part of your 'agreement'.
Please let me know what you think. -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I want your opinion. I am accused of being a "picker" for the following reason:
D=daughter, H=me, W=wife
W to D. The new high definition(HD)TV's have a problem with "screen burn in", (the logo on some networks makes a permanent image on the screen).
H to W&D. Its not the HD that is the problen, HD is a higher quality broadcast method. The problem is with the type of TV screen. The older glass picture tubes (CRT) are not as prone to "burn in" as the newer rear projection screens. That was written in the booklet that came with the new 50" TV we bought in June.
W to H. Pick, Pick, Pick.
H to W. I was not trying to pick. I realise you might think that and I did not mean it that way. I just want you to both know that it is the type of TV screen, not the the broadcast method that causes "burn in". It is like hearing you talk about putting gas in a diesel engined truck. I know you mean diesel fuel but the two fuels are very different.
Or a customer calling and asking me to repair their copier and when I get there they show me a non functioning laser printer. I took parts with me on the service call for their copier but no parts for their laser printer. So now I have to go back to the shop for laser printer parts.
I want you to tell me if my zipped is down when I walk out of the bedroom.
So FF, how bad did I do or what's wrong with the way I think? The world is getting more complicated every year and I know keeping up with the terminology takes a lot of work. My intention was to help my W keep up and use the correct terms. Am I starting to sound like your H?
Daughter corrected me a while ago when I reas a sign said "Chicken Carbon?" D said that is pronounced like "Chicken Car Bone." I said thank you, I like people to understand what I am talking about and do not like to sound uneducated when I talk to people.
HairDog: I am not a lawyer, but too many people say one thing and really think they are saying something else. They think you should know what they really meant to say. I guess that you run into this frequently.
OG Lou I do not want fancy wording, plain is good enough as long as it describes the issue at hand.
We all have our 'pet peeves' and areas of expertise. I know I honestly have trouble understanding if a Finn tries to pronounce an English word - since Finnish is phonetic, it can come out sounding kinda strange. I've gotten better at 'decyphering', but it still happens. When I go home and someone talks about 'Nohkeeeeah'(Nokia) or IIKeeeeeah (Ikea). I probably come off sounding 'snobbish', but truth is, I don't understand what they've said! I try to make light of such situations.
'Picking' becomes a problem when the person doing it sounds as they are putting the other person down, or does it constantly. Obviously, with your client you needed to know exactly what you were dealing with, and it would have made sense to ask exactly what they had before you left.
With W&D, I know there are a lot of 'misconceptions' about just about everything that people pick up along the way. (a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!) But sometimes, people are more comfortable in their ignorance, and as long as it's not hurting anyone...I can understand you're wanting to explain it to them, but if they continue to use their old 'shorthand', and you continue to pick...it becomes a bad cycle.
I know H is pedantic about grammar, he does a lot of text editing, and is very protective of his mother tongue. If he could take the time to figure out how I learn best, or even sit down with me and figure out a way to for him to 'correct' me (best would be to speak Finnish together), I could deal with that. I don't deal with grimmaces when I'm trying to talk to someone, or constant interrupting of my conversations.
I also understand he has his own way of doing things from vacuuming to dishwashing...but if he's going to leave the brunt of the housework to me, I do think it's resonable to ask that he accept that I do things differently.
That's all I'm asking. I would like to think that if other areas (like the bedroom) of our M were in working order, his 'quirks' wouldn't bother me so much.
So 'pick' when you must, but choose wisely, and do it nicely.
I felt pretty lousy after this weekend, I was feeling that I must still be very fused to be so upset over the general mood. Actually, what was bothering me most was the kids. And wondering if I've wasted the past 10 yrs (I'm trying, trying to get that one out of my head real fast)
I sent H an e-mail yesterday, said basically that in spite of my 'clumsy' attempts to try to work on things, I really didn't want to think of him as the enemy.
I also said that I was glad he had gotten a chance to spend good time with the kids, and I enjoyed watching them together. But, that I held to my position that yelling at them as he does was abuse.
I asked him too, where I stand, what he wants. I said that I felt as though he's just shut me out, and doesn't seem to want to work on anything.
He did lean over and give me a kiss on the cheek this morning, but he has only spoken to me when absolutely neccesary.
I've gotten a number for a counselor. After this weekend, I really feel as though I need to talk with someone.
NOPkins, I haven't forgotten your advice, I'm just not sure how to go about it right now. It would have to wait till this weekend anyway, so there would be time to leave it and go back if neccesary.
) Like which Dave's? tip for teaching a kid to ride a two-wheeler. A teacher's job is to provide a setting that makes it possible for the student to learn. The hard part is knowing just how much 'pressure' or guidance to apply, and to be patient enough not to jump in and show them the answer.
That will certainly unbalance things. If/when he gets annoyed, hold onto yourself-- realize what he's annoyed with is really something in himself. 
Don't let him separate you from yourself. 
Actually, what was bothering me most was the kids. And wondering if I've wasted the past 10 yrs (I'm trying, trying to get that one out of my head real fast)