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The singing, exhuberant, person who gets enthusiastic about anything. Not to let H's crabbiness stop me. I've toned myself down a lot over the years, since it seems to annoy H. But I'm taking my life back.

This is exactly what you must do! This is me, too. I know that as a child I was a very high-energy person and learned to be quiet and to be seen and not heard. As is the nature of intimate relationships, I've found a man who re-creates perfectly the dynamics of my childhood home. The C says we must just be ourselves, and if our partner gets annoyed, that's their problem. The key is being yourself-- obviously not just pushing your partner's buttons for the sport of it.

One book I read said we should examine the traits in our partner that most annoy us and accept that the reason those traits annoy us is that we possess those traits and have disowned them. Therefore we project them onto the partner where we can dislike them (not realizing consciously that it's ourselves we are disliking). SO we should find the positive side of those traits and try to reclaim them as our own. This is easier said than done, and frankly, even hard to think about. If we could easily access the unconscious, then it wouldn't have to BE unconscious, right?

But if you know there is part of yourself you are hiding, like your enthusiasm, then I say, let 'er rip! Start singing aroud the house at the top of your lungs! Get the kids to join in, too! That will certainly unbalance things. If/when he gets annoyed, hold onto yourself-- realize what he's annoyed with is really something in himself.

You talked about putting him in the crucible-- I think YOU'RE in the crucible! Don't let him separate you from yourself.

Yes, we're all cheering for you-- and admiring you a lot for your struggle and for your tenacity!