Nopkins wrote:
Quote:

Did you start setting reasonable boundaries with your husband?

Did you stop him from being abusive toward the children?

I think that is a yes.




I'm not so sure.

I did get H to join us for breakfast this morning, but I can be pretty sure that I will have to go through the same thing again next week if I want the result. I can remember once when H was reading a book for most of the weekend, finally at one point I asked him (calmly) if he could put the book aside and help me with something. For the next month or so, any time H picked up a book to read, he made a point of asking me if he could read it for a while (rather sarcastically).

I don't mean to say that I'm all right, though I'm afraid that's how I come across, and that's how it seems H takes it as well.
Which makes me think I have to slow down.

As far as the kids? I've been here before, many times. I should have, as you pointed out, asked H to come out of the kitchen when he was yelling at the kids, rather than doing it in front of them. I have done this before, many times. I've come in many times when he is yelling that loud, and asked him to come out, and calmly said that he should not yell that loud, and ask him if he would like to take a walk to cool off. He gets insulted. I have often pointed out that if he's upset with me, to get mad at me, not at the children (and I do that it a calm, firm voice, even though we may have had a heated discussion). That does work, 'till the next time.

I do need to work on listening to him. But I honestly don't know how much I can take of him meeting me at the door when I get home from work of the list of things I should have done around the house, or how I have loaded the dishwasher wrong. These are not put-downs to him, they are important. I try to impliment as much as I can, but I do have my own way of doing things which are often more efficiant to me, and my time is at a premium.

I made sure I thanked H for anything he did today, and his answer was 'Don't be silly, it's obvious you don't appreciate me!'

I made sure he got alone time with the kids, so he wouldn't think I didn't trust him at all with them. Tonight when I was trying to get the boys to bed, they started their favorite pasttime, naked wrestling . I called H to watch, because it is really something to see twins wrestling, they know each other so well! H came up, but when I accidently brushed against him, he dramatically pulled himself out of my way and ran off. He's now downstairs with the stereo on LOUD reading the paper.

I'm afraid the 'crucible' approach is not going to work well for me. This morning, I did HOM very well, and I was firm but definately not loud when I made my original request.

I do understand that there is going to have to be a lot of uncomfort on both sides, but I don't want to upset the kids. D8 was miserable this afternoon, though she did get time alone with dad later and felt better. I'm sure she, most of all, is the one who feels torn loyalties, gets mad at 'isi' (Daddy) (and probably Mommy too, and feels guilty about it.

I'm sure I just need some time to think and 'regroup'. Right now it feels like I've asked if we could try to stop the yelling a thousand times, and H manages to put it on my shoulders. I'm impatient. I do need to try to keep in mind that H is not the enemy, but it is difficult at times.

Work starts again tomorrow, so there'll be less time for interaction, and less time to post. I'll keep you guys posted.