Quote: What would happen if you edited him out of big chunks of your life? Stopped trying to please him or do things his way? I'm not talking about the silent treatment, but just cook, clean (I know you already do this ) without any interacting with him. You don't ask him for help, you cease mentioning it all together. You're not huffy or mopey, just neutral, and act as if you're suprised to see him there taking up space. Put the dishes in the dishwasher ANY G.D. WAY YOU PLEASE. Go about your housework as though he does not live there. If things get done, they get done your way. If they don't get done, they don't get done. If he throws a tantrum, say "You cirticism and insults have lost all credibility with me. I won't let you talk to me that way," and leave the room pleasantly.
I have done this. It was two years ago when I brought up the subject of us not ML for so long - the boys were a little older, and I realized nothing was happening, so one night I just asked him if he realized we hadn't ML in (then) about 5yrs, except for that once, and he said 'Well what do you expect if you have such a short temper'.
I'm afraid I said something like 'Did you ever think the two might be related?' But I did, honestly, also watch my temper. That year, H started the real tantrums (hmm...is this something I should think of? There was lots of picking, and little help, but I thought it was me up untill this point. When I brought it up, the tantrums started - just realized this), and it took me a long time, and 6 weeks in the states (which was also for the kids, not a real seperation) before H calmed down and realized I didn't hate him.
So then I tried about what you suggested. There were times that I blew up, but that was when I started just letting him sleep in the mornings, planned family outings alone, and I wasn't resentful, it was much easier just to not have to worry about him.
H was happy, too. As long as he got food when he was hungry, and his clothes were clean, he was pretty content. As the kids got older, I had more time, and I was able to keep the house fairly under control to avoid the biggest tantrums.
But, I was miserable. I basically felt I was marking time 'till the kids were older and I could get out. I was starting an EA (through e-mail with a old college friend). That was a wake up call - that I'd better do something, one way or the other, because I didn't want to get into the mess of an affair. The EA, by the way, stopped before it began.
Maybe this is something I need to work on, but editing H out is editing him out - meaning if I don't include him in family affairs, it's very difficult to consider him a lover. And if I bring up the subject of sex, he puts up walls.
