you are dealing with such a big baby! I really don't get his agenda in all of this. (And thank you for the detailed description... your posts really are so clear and easy to understand.) He seems to be coming at you from such a primitive level.

He did seem to respond when you got right down to the wire and said you would make him leave, or when you told him that he had to come and eat with y'all. Even though
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he finally sat and ate like a child who has been reprimanded by his mom.



What would happen if you edited him out of big chunks of your life? Stopped trying to please him or do things his way? I'm not talking about the silent treatment, but just cook, clean (I know you already do this ) without any interacting with him. You don't ask him for help, you cease mentioning it all together. You're not huffy or mopey, just neutral, and act as if you're suprised to see him there taking up space. Put the dishes in the dishwasher ANY G.D. WAY YOU PLEASE. Go about your housework as though he does not live there. If things get done, they get done your way. If they don't get done, they don't get done. If he throws a tantrum, say "You cirticism and insults have lost all credibility with me. I won't let you talk to me that way," and leave the room pleasantly.

I'm not suggesting you be ugly to him... it just seems like he escalates the intensity of your interactions over such minor things. If he criticizes you, say "I'm doing things my way. This is the way I like them." In other words, cease using him as a reference for what you do and why you do it. Stop trying to get him involved. It seems like he tries to get you to do things his way, and you feel that if you do it his way, he will be civil. But he should be civil anyway. In a normally functioning R, the partners pass the ball back and forth, but he seems unwilling to play by those rules-- so send him to the locker room! There can't be a game if the other team member refuses to play.

This reminds me of my stepgrandson when he was about 10. I stayed with them for a week a couple of years ago.

EVERY day when Z came home from school, his mom (my DIL) would ask him if he had homework. He'd say yes. She'd tell him to get busy on it. He would. Then she'd want to check it. She'd find something wrong. He'd get defensive and argue. She'd calmly insist that the teacher would not accept it that way. He'd argue some more and eventually be sent to his room in tears. EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was like watching reruns of the same episode of a tv show.

Finally, on the last day, I followed him to his room and asked, "Why do you put you and your mom through this every single day? It's like a script from a movie. She says this, you say that, and you wind up in here crying." Well, he looked up at me, and got this little evil twinkle in his eye, smiled, and said, "Oh it's kind of fun."

My mouth fell open. I couldn't help but laugh. I said, "You DEVIL child! So you CAN stop it if you want to? You're just doing this to get your mom's goat?" He nodded. By this time he was giggling. After all, it was also funny (in a warped sort of way) how his mom took the bait every single time like a trained trout.

Later I told her what he said, and suggested that she make the decision that the most intense interaction of their day was not going to be a fight over homework. (Besides the obvious fact that he wasn't learning to do his homework wrong on his own and taking the consequences at school.) I said, the most intense moment of your day with him should be something good, not a fight over something no one will remember in a month. (Every night when they tuck him in, his parents go in his room and they all sing together... it's very sweet. THAT'S what they'll want him to remember.)

Anyway, my point is, he seems to get off (literally) on starting a fight with you. I think HOY is the answer for now... don't take his bait. You can't win an argument with him because he doesn't fight fair. He turns into a child right before your eyes.

You ask if this is progress? Do YOU feel any different?