Hi all, been working on D6's halloween costume as she has a b'day party to go to today.
OG wrote:
Quote: FocusedFlutist: Do you think your H takes the banter as 1. transitive senses: to speak to or address in a witty and teasing manner) or 2. intransitive senses : to speak or act playfully or wittily)? as you put it
If he is hearing it the first way and you mean it to sound like the second way then you have miss communications.
No, I do think H understood, that was a 'friendly' convo, as they come around here.
Giving H choices is not going to make it easier for me to get an answer. I have tried that. It's a little like a ball of string that's gotten completely tangled and everytime I think I've gotten all the knots untied I find another one.
NOPkins,
Thank you once again for keeping me on track.
Quote: Time for the another side of the 'stranger' question. If a stranger could observe your family as a whole, everything included (sex, kids, all interactions), what 4 points would be at the top of their list as needing the most attention?
Strange thing is, most strangers wouldn't notice anything, but I know what you mean:
1. H respects his W 2. H interacts more with kids (mom adds, works on ways of disciplining them, this wouldn't be obvious to outsiders) 3.H+W's SL (tied to no.1) 4. More cooperation from everyone in family life - H+W agree on methods of discipline, bedtimes, etc. and can discuss any problems in an adult manner.
Not sure if these are really 4 seperate things, they're all pretty tied in together.
This morning, I said to H that I knew of a way that would help me be more pleasant. I said that it was sometimes hard for me to be pleasant when I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and doing the brunt of childcare. I said that him staying in bed on the weekend and then asking me to make him breakfast after I'd gotten everyone else's stuff cleaned up was rather stressfull.
I said if he wanted breakfast this morning, I enjoyed making it, but, he would come and eat with everyone else, and clean up afterward.
H 'what do you mean by cleaning up' M'putting the dishes in the dishwasher, sweeping the floor and cleaning the table.' H'Yeah, so it's back to this. I don't want to have to take all the dishes out of the dishwasher that are already there and start things over again' M 'Then don't' H 'What gives you the right to order me around, and you won't listen to me when I want to tell you how to put the dishes in the washer correctly' M'If it will make things better, I will stand there so you can tell me how to put dishes in the way you want, but I suspect this is another of your avoidance techniques. If you want to live alone with your computer, fine, but not in my bed. '
I don't remember specifics, there was a lot of wiggling on his part, sort of 'why do I have to' etc...Finally I said, I'm just asking for a yes or no answer. I also said that 'a no answer would indicate to me that you're not interested in being part of this family' H finally said 'yes'
He came down when I had made breakfast, sat down + got up again a couple of times to get things, finally sat and ate like a child who has been reprimanded by his mom. It wasn't pleasant, but I HOM, and stayed pleasant.
H got up to clean up, in a very dramatic way started emptying the drying cabinet (Finnish 'invention', sinks have a cabinet above them with built-in wire drying racks for dishes), and started putting dishes away, washing.
The kids had left some Legos on a small table we have in the kitchen for kids projects, etc. H got very upset, said to the boys who were still eating 'That's it, I'm throwing these legos away, you can go and tell the girls, and tell them that that is the end of the legos.'
I asked (finally got to) 'Is that an absolute? Or are they 'under arrest' for a certain time?
H got huffy, asked the boys to go upstairs and get the girls.
Then he started yelling at them about the legos. I let it go for a while, then came in when it had gone on for several minutes and was getting very loud.
'PLEASE STOP YELLING AT THE CHILDREN THAT WAY' (sorry folks, this does get messy)'IF YOU CAN'T, I WILL ASK YOU TO LEAVE AND USE WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY TO GET YOU TO LEAVE'
H had the sense to ask the kids to leave the kitchen, and we fought for several minutes. Stuff like 'Why do you have the right to tell me how to talk to the kids'
I yelled that I was not going to let him yell at the kids to the point of tears, that I would consider that abuse. H disagreed, told me to think about what I was saying, etc etc, all stuff I've heard before. I did tell him I would not be insulted.
This went on for a while, H almost at the point of tears. He finally said 'WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE NOW!' so I came up here.
H came up a few minutes later to ask me why I had left hair in my joghurt container that I knew he would clean out. I said that I left it there because I couldn't get into the trash(as he was in the kitchen cleaning) and that seemed the best place to put it.
H answered that I hadn't really answered his question, but he would accept that.
I'm afraid I went downstairs again, and pointed out how I felt I had answered his question. To which H countered 'ok, then you didn't think'. I said once again that I didn't feel it was neccesary to insult me.
--------
I'm writing down everything, not so that you can get out a scorecard, and get into 'he said, she said', but so you can see what I'm dealing with, and help me to be more effective here. I got fireworks this morning, and felt like I got nowhwere. Maybe when the dust settles I can see some small movement...
H is back in bed, reading. I'm afraid he feels as though he's got all kinds of ammuntition for pushing me away, or at least feels righteous in avoiding me now for the rest of the day, and then being 'pissy' for the next few days 'till I apologize for raising my voice. I'm not apologizing this time. H wants everything nice and pleasant, but he doesn't want to put any work into making it that way.
