I got out of the house myself for an hour or so this evening to do the shopping, and I realized how much I've missed having time to complete a thought. (HP, I send lots of hugs your way, that's a difficult time, when your body's still not really your own, and you can't think two words alone, let alone a complete sentence)

I've been trying to think when the 'picking' started, and I honesty can't remember a time, except maybe the first few days when it wasn't there. When we were dating, it was my Finnish - to the point that friends who socialized with us became uncomfortable. A friend of ours told me this summer she remembers the first time we were at her home, about 10yrs ago, and she wondered how H could speak to his lovely bride that way. I could go on, but I'm honestly not looking for pity, jsut trying to show that it is going to be very difficult to pin the resentment on one thing.

More recently, I don't think H was happy that I didn't want to have more kids. He was the one who pushed for no. 3. I remembered how stressed I was with the girls, the pressure it put on us, and I wanted time to try to work on the M and my playing. When I got pg, I was a bit ambivilant. When I started bleeding shortly after I discovered the pg, H said 'I guess you're happy now'

I was glad it was twins, because that was so amazing, so different, so overwhelming, that I didn't have a chance to worry about anything else.

I need to work on me. I need to take care of me, to be able to keep myself happy in spite of H's digs, 'cause they're probably not going to go away. I need to insure that I won't get defensive, and I need to set up boundarys and stick to them. I need to learn, in other words, that I deserve to be treated nicely. Tonight, I made a point of being happy, and sort of diffused his mood, but still when I came home from the store, H started yelling at the kids to clean their room (to the point that S4b started crying), then asked if he could talk to me. He did make a point of saying he wasn't trying to put me down, but he didn't like the way I had cut S4b's hair, and why did I have to put onions in the food I made tonight?

I honestly don't think this was meant to push me away, H has actually been friendly in his own way. I tell myself I should be glad that I have a husband who speaks his mind, who tells me how he feels. I used to feel proud that I knew so much about him.

I'm not giving up. I think I may even continue to go to bed naked, and be more provokotive about it, but I'm not going to try to initiate right now. I'll continue to call H on things, and give him a few days to see what he does with the denial stuff.

I need a quiet, warm SUNNY place, and a lover.

But I also need to catch my second wind, and stand my ground.